Masturbation jokes

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Jennifer Lawrence’s new boyfriend, Chris Martin, is furious over the leaked pictures, claiming Apple can no longer be trusted.
I feel you Chris, I don’t trust my 10 year old daughter either.

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While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
‘How long have you been bedridden?’
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ‘ Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.’

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I met a girl in a pub last night and we ended up going back to her house.
After a few more drinks, we started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.
She looked at me and said, “Let’s take this upstairs.”
I said, “Okay, you grab one end and I’ll grab the other.”

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I was talking to my mate today and he said, “Don’t forget the clocks go forward this weekend.”
I replied, “They go forward all the time, you sтuрid тwат.”

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I took a vase to get valued on the Antiques Roadshow, and they told me it was ‘absolutely priceless’.
Well, I got 4 quid for it at a car boot sale last weekend. Who’s laughing now?

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I am on file with an on-line job search agency, and I had just finished off a 1.75L handle of cheap hоосh when the phone rang. …
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“This is your recruiter. I have two holes I think you could fill quite nicely,” she said … …
…
“I’ll bet I could, come on by the house,” wasn’t the response she expected, as I noted this morning my online account has been revoked.

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My eldest daughter told me she wanted to take up modelling, so I bought her a bag of plasticine.

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A lady was picking up several items at a supermarket. When she finally got up to the checkout lane, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear:
“PRICE CHECK ON LANE THREE, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE.” That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word “tampax” for “THUMBTACKS.”
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom:
“Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?”

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When I was in the nightclub last night I lent over to a beautiful brunette at the bar and whispered into her ear, “You know what love, I’m pretty big in the trouser department”.
“That sounds promising”, she replied, “Just how big do you mean?”
“Well put it this way”, I answered, “In December John Lewis made me their employee of the month”.

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When EE said I’ll get unlimited calls and texts with my new mobile contract, I didn’t realise it would be from PPI insurance claim companies.

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My wife rang me earlier and said her mother was near to death and wont last the night, so to come down to the hospital.
I said but the football’s on and ill miss it.
She said i don’t care u can tape it.
You should have seen the look on her face when i turned up with a camcorder and a tripod.

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“Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?” I asked my boss.
“Just pop it in the corner,” he said.
It took me three hours.

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I was chatting with a girl on-line.
“Tell me something interesting about yourself,” I typed.
“I’m Lebanese,” came the reply..
I’m wasting my time, I thought: she’s dyslexic and she prefers girls.

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My wife said she’d like to have another baby.
I agreed, the one we have is fuскing annoying!

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Today, my boss told me to, “Take a note.”
So I flicked through his wallet, and grabbed the fifty.

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As the taxi driver dropped me off last night, he said, “That’s £16 please.”
I gave him a twenty and said, “Keep it.”
“Are you serious?” he asked.
I said, “Yeah, I’m in a good mood.”
He said, “Fuск off you тwат, you owe me another £15.80.”

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I rang my mate as I stood рissеd outside to ask how to get into his club.
He said, “There should be a кnов on the door.”
I said, “Yeah, he’s the one that won’t let me in.”

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This little old lady is walking her dog around the local lake. It is a cold morning and the lake is still frozen. All of a sudden her little dog spots a duck on the ice and runs out to bite the сrар out of it.
The dog falls through the ice and the little old lady starts chucking a wobbler….
“Help, help…. my dog has fallen into the lake”.
Watching all the commotion is a German jogger who sprints over to the lady and says “Vot is zee matter viv your dog; can I za help?”
“Oh yes please” says the old lady, so the jogger wades in and saves the dog and puts it on the bank beside the old lady.
“Oh you are so kind, are you a vet?”
“VET!”, replied the German…. “VET!…. I’m fuскing soaked!

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