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A preacher said, “Anyone with special needs who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front by the altar.”
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”
Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”  The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head, and then  prayed and prayed and prayed.  He prayed a “blue streak” for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,  “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”
Leroy answered, “I don’t know.  It ain’t ’til Thursday.”
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I lost my job yesterday because I misunderstood the sign:
“Toilet out of order - Use floor below”
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“G’Day mate, Aussie help line here………. What’s the problem,…. Cobber?”
“I’m in Darwin with my Sheila and she’s been stung on the мingе by a wasp, and now her рussy has completely closed up.”
“Вuммеr, mate…!!!”
“Thanks mate, I hadn’t thought of that. Bye.”
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I picked up a bird yesterday, she said “I want you to totally degrade me, make me feel cheap and dirтy.
So I took her shopping at Lidl
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As my mate was trying to set me up with his sister I said, “no offense but I heard she’s a bit of a whоrе”.
“Well, she’s actually very reserved”, he replied.
“Go on then, add me to the waiting list”.
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I walked into Subway and said to the cashier, “I’ve just bought a sandwich from you, I took one bite and 2 teeth fell out.”
“Maybe you bit down too hard?” she replied.
“They’re not my teeth.”
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Today I saw someone waving but I wasn’t sure if they were waving at me or someone behind me. I’m a terrible lifeguard.
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“I’d like to check myself out,” I said to the receptionist at the hotel.
“Go ahead, there’s a mirror behind you,” she said.
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My boss walked straight up to my desk as I was watching роrn today and said, “Do you think I pay people to do that?”
“Probably,” I replied, “You’re not exactly the best looking bloke in the world.”
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My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.
My wife went to the store and bought some “Nair” hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”
My wife said, “I’m not using it under my arms.”
The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t use body lotion for a couple of days.”
My wife replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”
The pharmacist says, “Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.
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Today, I walked into a restaurant.
“Hi, is my table ready?”
“No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?”
“No, that’s okay.”
“Great, take these to table six then.”
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I tried to share a bag of сhiрs with a homeless person on the street. …
He told me to fuск off and buy my own.
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My wife told me that she’d always wanted to ride a horse.
Judging by the size of her fаnny, I thought she already had.
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‘Start Windows Normally’?
No thanks, I’d like to start it spastically please, you know, flashing lights, crazy monkeys, the whole shabang…
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The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights……
“I love you!” She said, and then she got all excited, unzipped my trousers and giving me the most amazing вlоw job ever…..
Which is really odd because she’s never shown an interest in darts before!..
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I said to the waiter at the restaurant, “Cheese sandwich, toasted please”.
A few minutes later he came back with an ordinary sandwich, picked up my glass of wine in the air and said:
“Here’s to your cheese sandwich”.
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So I bought a uniform and started shooting black people.
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A new report has concluded that dog owners are more outgoing than cat owners.
Hardly surprising. You have to take a dog for walks.
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