Masturbation jokes

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A girl was nibbling my ear sitting in a nightclub when I told her I just needed to nip to the little boys room.
She said, “Would you like me to hold your реnis while you go for a рiss?”
I said, “Thanks, but it’s probably best I take it with me.”

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After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sеxy nurse standing over me.
She said, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
“Fair enough,” I replied, groping her вrеаsтs.

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I was walking down the street today, and a young mum said to her child, “If you’re good, I’ll buy you some sweets.”
I said to her, “I wish I was your son.”
She laughed and said, “Why, do you want some sweets?”
I said, “No, I want to suск your тiтs.”

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I was chatting to a girl in a club last night.
She said to me, “Can I have your mobile number?”
I said, “No way, I’ve had that number for years.”

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I went into a pharmacy.
I said, “Have you got anything for irritation?”
She said, “Yes… But where exactly?”
“Fuск knows! You tell me, it’s your shop,” I replied.

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My wife thinks I look like a philosopher at the beach; staring off into the distance contemplating life.
What I’ve actually done is spotted some тiтs.

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I’ve just seen a girls Facebook status:
324562FF ……. Add me xxx
I fuскing will, your тiтs sound amazing xxx

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I was on the phone to my local house decorators earlier.
“I’d like my bedroom wall painted sometime this week.” I said.
“Certainly sir,” said the operator, “We’ll send someone over, which colour by the way?”
“Preferably white,” I replied, “I’m not too keen on a black person inside my house.”

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My girlfriend just asked me, “When we go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?”
I said, “Fuск off, it would take fuскing ages to get there on a camel.”

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I remember when me and my wife had just started seeing each other. She walked into Asda to see me on a step ladder stacking up boxes of washing powder.
She said “You liar. You told me you were a stunt pilot.”
I said “No I didn’t. I told you I was a member of the Aerial display team”

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A preacher said, “Anyone with special needs who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front by the altar.”
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”
Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.” The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a “blue streak” for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”
Leroy answered, “I don’t know. It ain’t ’til Thursday.”

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I lost my job yesterday because I misunderstood the sign:
“Toilet out of order - Use floor below”

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I picked this таrт up and said “Right, back to your place for a fuск.”
She said “No, I’m on my period, but you can come in for a drink if you like.”
I said “What do you think I am, a fuскing vampire?”

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I picked up a bird yesterday, she said “I want you to totally degrade me, make me feel cheap and dirтy.
So I took her shopping at Lidl

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As my mate was trying to set me up with his sister I said, “no offense but I heard she’s a bit of a whоrе”.
“Well, she’s actually very reserved”, he replied.
“Go on then, add me to the waiting list”.

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I walked into Subway and said to the cashier, “I’ve just bought a sandwich from you, I took one bite and 2 teeth fell out.”
“Maybe you bit down too hard?” she replied.
“They’re not my teeth.”

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Today I saw someone waving but I wasn’t sure if they were waving at me or someone behind me. I’m a terrible lifeguard.

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“I’d like to check myself out,” I said to the receptionist at the hotel.
“Go ahead, there’s a mirror behind you,” she said.

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