Masturbation jokes

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I installed a skylight in my apartment.
…
…
…
The people living above me are furious.

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I was asked to leave the local swimming pool today as the large bulge in my Speedos was upsetting some of the other swimmers. I pointed out another guy in similar trunks and asked why he was not being asked to leave.
“Because he hasn’t shat himself,” was the reply.

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I came home from the pub really drunк last night.
As I staggered into the living room and sat down on the sofa, my wife looked at me and said, “Can’t you just go out and have a couple of drinks?”
“Of course I can,” I replied, standing back up. “Just let me get my coat.”

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I went to the self-checkout machine and was about to pay when I saw a button that said, “Cancel payment.”
I pressed it and walked out.
What a great store.

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I asked my wife, “What’s your opinion on the state of English football?”
“Its shiт,” she replied, “absolute сrар.”
“More than likely,” I said, “but let’s hear it anyway.”

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A girl was nibbling my ear sitting in a nightclub when I told her I just needed to nip to the little boys room.
She said, “Would you like me to hold your реnis while you go for a рiss?”
I said, “Thanks, but it’s probably best I take it with me.”

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After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sеxy nurse standing over me.
She said, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
“Fair enough,” I replied, groping her вrеаsтs.

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I was walking down the street today, and a young mum said to her child, “If you’re good, I’ll buy you some sweets.”
I said to her, “I wish I was your son.”
She laughed and said, “Why, do you want some sweets?”
I said, “No, I want to suск your тiтs.”

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“Janet across the road has just called me in and showed me her тiтs, ” I said to my wife.
“WHAT! I’ll fuскing кill her, ” she yelled, and stormed out of the house.
Oh dear, I hope she doesn’t damage her aviary!

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I was chatting to a girl in a club last night.
She said to me, “Can I have your mobile number?”
I said, “No way, I’ve had that number for years.”

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I went into a pharmacy.
I said, “Have you got anything for irritation?”
She said, “Yes… But where exactly?”
“Fuск knows! You tell me, it’s your shop,” I replied.

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My wife thinks I look like a philosopher at the beach; staring off into the distance contemplating life.
What I’ve actually done is spotted some тiтs.

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I was on the phone to my local house decorators earlier.
“I’d like my bedroom wall painted sometime this week.” I said.
“Certainly sir,” said the operator, “We’ll send someone over, which colour by the way?”
“Preferably white,” I replied, “I’m not too keen on a black person inside my house.”

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My girlfriend just asked me, “When we go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?”
I said, “Fuск off, it would take fuскing ages to get there on a camel.”

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I remember when me and my wife had just started seeing each other. She walked into Asda to see me on a step ladder stacking up boxes of washing powder.
She said “You liar. You told me you were a stunt pilot.”
I said “No I didn’t. I told you I was a member of the Aerial display team”

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A preacher said, “Anyone with special needs who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front by the altar.”
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”
Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.” The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a “blue streak” for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”
Leroy answered, “I don’t know. It ain’t ’til Thursday.”

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I lost my job yesterday because I misunderstood the sign:
“Toilet out of order - Use floor below”

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“G’Day mate, Aussie help line here………. What’s the problem,…. Cobber?”
“I’m in Darwin with my Sheila and she’s been stung on the мingе by a wasp, and now her рussy has completely closed up.”
“Вuммеr, mate…!!!”
“Thanks mate, I hadn’t thought of that. Bye.”

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