Masturbation jokes

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I went into a chemist yesterday and said to the bloke behind the counter, “excuse me, do you have cotton wool ваlls?”
He said, “what do you think I am, a fuскin’ teddy bear?”

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My girlfriend told me she’d slept with seven people before we met.
I wouldn’t mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.

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“There’s a spider in the bedroom,” screamed my wife, “Get it out Dave! Please get it out!”
“I don’t know why they turn you on so much,” I said, unzipping my jeans.

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I was asked to leave the local swimming pool today as the large bulge in my Speedos was upsetting some of the other swimmers. I pointed out another guy in similar trunks and asked why he was not being asked to leave.
“Because he hasn’t shat himself,” was the reply.

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I came home from the pub really drunк last night.
As I staggered into the living room and sat down on the sofa, my wife looked at me and said, “Can’t you just go out and have a couple of drinks?”
“Of course I can,” I replied, standing back up. “Just let me get my coat.”

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Three partially deaf old ladies chatting
One said “it’s windy today”
The second replied “no it’s not it’s Thursday ”
The third said “me too let’s go and have a cup of tea”

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I went to the self-checkout machine and was about to pay when I saw a button that said, “Cancel payment.”
I pressed it and walked out.
What a great store.

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I asked my wife, “What’s your opinion on the state of English football?”
“Its shiт,” she replied, “absolute сrар.”
“More than likely,” I said, “but let’s hear it anyway.”

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A girl was nibbling my ear sitting in a nightclub when I told her I just needed to nip to the little boys room.
She said, “Would you like me to hold your реnis while you go for a рiss?”
I said, “Thanks, but it’s probably best I take it with me.”

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After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sеxy nurse standing over me.
She said, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
“Fair enough,” I replied, groping her вrеаsтs.

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I was walking down the street today, and a young mum said to her child, “If you’re good, I’ll buy you some sweets.”
I said to her, “I wish I was your son.”
She laughed and said, “Why, do you want some sweets?”
I said, “No, I want to suск your тiтs.”

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“Janet across the road has just called me in and showed me her тiтs, ” I said to my wife.
“WHAT! I’ll fuскing кill her, ” she yelled, and stormed out of the house.
Oh dear, I hope she doesn’t damage her aviary!

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I went into a pharmacy.
I said, “Have you got anything for irritation?”
She said, “Yes… But where exactly?”
“Fuск knows! You tell me, it’s your shop,” I replied.

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My wife thinks I look like a philosopher at the beach; staring off into the distance contemplating life.
What I’ve actually done is spotted some тiтs.

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I’ve just seen a girls Facebook status:
324562FF ……. Add me xxx
I fuскing will, your тiтs sound amazing xxx

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I was on the phone to my local house decorators earlier.
“I’d like my bedroom wall painted sometime this week.” I said.
“Certainly sir,” said the operator, “We’ll send someone over, which colour by the way?”
“Preferably white,” I replied, “I’m not too keen on a black person inside my house.”

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My girlfriend just asked me, “When we go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?”
I said, “Fuск off, it would take fuскing ages to get there on a camel.”

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I remember when me and my wife had just started seeing each other. She walked into Asda to see me on a step ladder stacking up boxes of washing powder.
She said “You liar. You told me you were a stunt pilot.”
I said “No I didn’t. I told you I was a member of the Aerial display team”

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