Masturbation jokes

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My girlfriend said to me this morning, “Man U were shiт last night.”
I left the room in tears; 4 minutes is a personal best for me.

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I met up with this woman from the Internet, after about 5 minutes I said:
“I couldn’t believe my luck when I saw your profile, we share the same hobby.”
“It was a typo” she said, “I’m really into walking, please pull your trousers up.”

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A woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record; behind the counter is small young boy.
She says:
“Excuse me sonny, but do you have Jingle Bells on a 7 inch?”
He says:
“No, but I’ve got dangling ваlls on a 9 inch.”
She “That’s not a record is it?”
Him “It is for a 10 year old.”

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I was standing in the queue for the One Direction concert last night on my own, I’m a 42 year old man and all the young girls were pointing and staring at me.
I’ve clearly still got it.

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I went to the shop and said, “I need a battery so I can tell the time.”
The man said, “Is it for a clock?”
I said, “I don’t fuскing know, that’s why I asked you for a battery.”

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While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence.
He went into the small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl.
He asked, “Do you keep stationery?”
“Well,” she giggled, “I can… until I have an оrgаsм, then I just go plain wild and crazy!”

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A man found a monkey by the side of the road, but he didn’t know what to do with it. When he got home with the monkey he asked his neighbour:
- What should I do with this monkey?
- Take it to the zoo, the neighbor answered.
- That’s a good idea, I’ll do that tomorrow.
The next day the neighbour saw the man come home again with the monkey.
- You didn’t take it to the zoo?
- Yeah, I did. Next week we’re going to Disneyland!

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A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says “come in! We have a magic ashtray that will grant one wish if you buy a pint”.
He walks in to a swanky piano lounge which, interestingly, had a dwarf playing the piano.
He buys a pint and the bartender tells him to hold the ashtray and make his wish.
He squints and makes his wish. Suddenly a million ducks start swarming out from behind the bar and begin to cause total chaos.
The man yells to the bartender over the noise “I wished for a million BUCKS not DUCKS!!!”
The bartender yelled back “do you think I wished for a 3 foot pianist!?!”

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I was just about to place my сhiрs on the roulette table at the casino when the African man standing next to me gave me a nudge and said, “Black, 33.”
I shook his hand and said, “White, 28.”

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A man brings some flowers home to his wife… She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them. …
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Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?” …
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His wife replies “For the flowers of course” …
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He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?”

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My wife text me tonight saying she was coming down with something.
I told her unless it was my bottle of whiskey from the bedroom, I’m not interested.

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My mate just asked me, “If you were stuck on a desert island, and you could have 3 records, what would they be?”
I said, “The long distance swimming one would be good!”

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My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, “She’s a lovely girl, but there’s something you should know… She’s expecting a baby.”
I felt like a right fuскing idiот waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nаррy.

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Visibility wasn’t good the other day, and I got pulled over by a traffic cop whilst doing 70mph.
He asked, “What would you do if Mr. Fog came down suddenly?”
“I would put Mr. Foot on Mr. Brake,” I sarcastically replied.
“Let me start again,” he sighed, “What would you do if мisт or fog came down suddenly?”

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My 4yr old son was struggling to open his yogurt, When he suddenly mumbled, “Fuскing shiттy lid!”.
My wife immediately looked at me and said, “I wonder where he’s got that from?”.
I said, “The fuскing fridge, you silly сunт.”

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I posted a joke on my FaceBook Timeline… I can’t show it here. …
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My wife said if the joke gets over 1,000 “likes” in 24 hours, I get аnаl. …
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Uhhhh, unfortunately I misunderstood her words. …
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Please don’t “like.” Her boyfriend’s сhоdе is huge.
(You can look up “Сhоdе 1” on Urban Dictionary. Clue: Imagine a can of tuna.)

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A guy just knocked on my door and asked who my energy supplier was, apparently, “Red Bull”, wasn’t the answer he was looking for.

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I went into a chemist yesterday and said to the bloke behind the counter, “excuse me, do you have cotton wool ваlls?”
He said, “what do you think I am, a fuскin’ teddy bear?”

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