Masturbation jokes

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Last night I came out of a nightclub and was approached by a Thai woman.
She gave me a cheeky wink and said, “Вlоwjов, $20?”
I said, “Yeah, alright,” and lead her into the alley.
I soon realised my mistake when she handed me two $10 bills and started pulling up her skirt.

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A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine.
The doctor asks him about his sеx life.
“Well…” the man drawled, “not bad at all to be honest.
The wife ain’t all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around.
In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old.”
“My goodness Frank, and at your age too.” the doctor said.
“I hope you took at least some precautions.”
“Yep. I may be old, but I ain’t senile yet doc. I gave ’em all a phony name.”

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I knocked on my neighbours door and said, “My son was just about to cut the grass but he can’t seem to operate the lawnmower properly, could I borrow yours?”
“Yeah, sure” he replied.
I said, “Great, tell him to hurry up, I’ve got friends coming round for a barbecue in an hour.”

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We had my grandad round the other day and he was trying to work out how to use the remote for the television.
“I miss when there were no remotes,” He grumbled, “And all you got was a series of knobs on the television.”
So I showed him “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”.

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One of the girls in work called me arrogant yesterday, so I asked what she meant.
She said, “You’ve got a big head.”
“If you think my head’s big you should see the size of my соск,” I replied.

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At a Job interview:
“You are aware we are a very modern company and because of the nature of the business we employ a lot of gаy men. How would you feel if one came on to you? ”
“Well I would get a tissue, clean it off and ask him politely not to do it again.”

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I said to grandad, “I had my mates round last night. We ordered a load of pizzas and had a game of poker.”
“Dominoes?” he asked.
I said, “No you deaf old man, poker.”

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A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. “Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”…
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, I’m only here to wash your hands and feet”. He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, are my test!cles black?”
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his pen!s in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says “There is nothing wrong with them!”
Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, “That was very nice but, are… my… test… results… back?

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Research shows that men speak 25,000 words a day and a women speaks 30,000 a day..
The problem is, after the husband comes home from work having consumed his 25,000 words..
The wife starts her 30,000.

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“I’m sorry love, but do you take it up the аrsе? Or can you just swallow it?” I asked this fit bird down the drug store.
“Can you fuск off you creep?!” she yelled back, “I’m sick of men like you thinking we’re so easy.”
“Listen miss can you calm the fuск down and tell me how I’m supposed to take these suppositories you’ve just sold me?” I replied.

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A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a “more humane” solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males Castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.
This was actually proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Growers Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, “Son, I don’t think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain’t fсuкing’ our sheep - they’re eatin’ ’em”.

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I was just reading that, in the UK, for every quid a bloke makes, a woman gets 70p.
And I’m thinking, “That’s a bit fuскing unfair, blokes are just left with 30p …”

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My wife said to me, “I’ve just had a complaint from the neighbour opposite. She says that a man from this address has been watching her get undressed with binoculars.”
I said, “Just ignore her. Anyone who uses binoculars to get undressed is a nuттеr.”

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This man approached me in town, “Would you like a big issue Sir?” He asked.
“No thanks,” I replied. “I’m sure my wife will already have something lined up when I get home.”

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My girlfriend said to me this morning, “Man U were shiт last night.”
I left the room in tears; 4 minutes is a personal best for me.

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I met up with this woman from the Internet, after about 5 minutes I said:
“I couldn’t believe my luck when I saw your profile, we share the same hobby.”
“It was a typo” she said, “I’m really into walking, please pull your trousers up.”

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A woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record; behind the counter is small young boy.
She says:
“Excuse me sonny, but do you have Jingle Bells on a 7 inch?”
He says:
“No, but I’ve got dangling ваlls on a 9 inch.”
She “That’s not a record is it?”
Him “It is for a 10 year old.”

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Women are cut from the same cloth. …
Like a newspaper, there’s a new issue with them every fuскing day.

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