Masturbation jokes

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A 55 year old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, and makes $55,555.55 a year. He strongly believes his lucky number is 5.
One day he says, “What the hеll?!” and he goes to the horsetrack. As luck would have it there was a horse named ‘Lucky Number 5.’ Of course, he bets $5,555.55 on horse ‘Lucky Number 5.’ He goes up into the bleachers and sits in row number 5.
5 seconds later, the race starts. He says “Yes! I can’t lose! 5 is my lucky number!”
‘Lucky Number 5’ comes in 5th.

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Two men knocked on the door of an Essex girl.
“Would you be interested in double glazing?” One of them asked.
“Oh go on then,” she said, falling to her knees. “Just don’t get any in my eyes.

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My Wife phoned me at work the other day, telling me she is a very bad girl and has done something bad, and she needed a good seeing to when i got home.
So I went home and battered her about. She really needs to be a lot clearer when talking sеxy.
I thought she forgot to put the dinner on.

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After I won the local pub quiz last night two gorgeous blondes came over to me.
The first one said, “We find intelligent men incredibly hot and sеxy.”
The second blonde said, “Do you know what three way is?”
I replied, “Yes, it’s the name of the dog in Hart to Hart.”

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I said to my wife, “I’m tired of looking in this mirror and seeing my big вееr belly, so I’m going to do something about it.”
She replied, “Excellent idea. You’re going to start working out at the gym then?”
“Don’t be silly. I’m buying a shorter mirror.”

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My wife just called me.
She said, “The two kids want you to take them Bowling on Saturday, then afterwards they want you to take them to the cinema.”
“It’s either one or the other,” I said, “otherwise it’s too expensive.”
“Okay,” she replied. “Which one do you prefer?”
I said, “David.”

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My boss rang me up after I was late for work.
“Where are you?” he asked.
“I’m out to buy a wristwatch,” I replied.
“Do you know what time it is?” he queried again.
“I haven’t bought it yet,” I answered.

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When I worked for the postal service, at one house a big dog came growling at me, a woman opened the window, and called out, “You’ll be OK, just kick his ваlls…”
…So I gave the mutt an almighty boot in the воllоскs, dropping it to the ground.
“No, no!” she shouted, “The ones on the front garden”

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A lady goes to see her doctor and says, “Doc, my back really hurts when I have sеx.” …
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The doctor says, “Which position do you use?” …
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The lady says, “We always do it doggie style.” ….
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The doctor says, That’s your problem. Try using the missionary position.”
She says, “I can’t do that. My dog has terrible breath.”

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“If you want to live much longer” said the doctor gravely, “you’ll have to stop smoking.”
“It’s too late for that,” I said.
“It’s never too late to stop.”
“Well, then I have plenty of time left.”

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There is a factory in Essex which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Shelley is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Shelley surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Shelley.
‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…’
‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

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A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face.
“What did you do that for?” the man asks.
“Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore do you?”
The man exclaims, “I don’t have the hiccups! My wife does!

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A man was shopping in the men’s department at Harrods when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.
He went up to her and said, “Good morning, madam.”
She smiled pleasantly and asked “And what would you like?”
The man said, “I’d like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet рussy, I’d like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth and then suск on your beautiful вrеаsтs and bite your niррlеs lightly…But what I ”need” is a new tie!”

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Reverend John Phlapps is walking home one evening when he comes across a female member of his congregation, she is staggering drunк.
He tries to assist her but falls and lands on top of her.
“Oi you can’t do that in the middle of the street” yells a copper.
The Rev says “But you don’t understand I’m Pastor Phlapps”
The copper replies “Oh well if you’re in that far you may as well finish

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Last night I came out of a nightclub and was approached by a Thai woman.
She gave me a cheeky wink and said, “Вlоwjов, $20?”
I said, “Yeah, alright,” and lead her into the alley.
I soon realised my mistake when she handed me two $10 bills and started pulling up her skirt.

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A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine.
The doctor asks him about his sеx life.
“Well…” the man drawled, “not bad at all to be honest.
The wife ain’t all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around.
In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old.”
“My goodness Frank, and at your age too.” the doctor said.
“I hope you took at least some precautions.”
“Yep. I may be old, but I ain’t senile yet doc. I gave ’em all a phony name.”

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I knocked on my neighbours door and said, “My son was just about to cut the grass but he can’t seem to operate the lawnmower properly, could I borrow yours?”
“Yeah, sure” he replied.
I said, “Great, tell him to hurry up, I’ve got friends coming round for a barbecue in an hour.”

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I’ve been in bed all week with a stomach bug and I heard the wife saying to her friend on the phone, “He’s not been feeling himself the past few days.”
I thought, ‘I have been feeling myself. Just not when she’s around.’

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