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Yesterday I was at the hairdresser to cut my hair.
The cutting of the hair costs 3 Euros but I had only 1 Euro.
So I have asked the hairdresser if she will cut my hair also for 1 Euro?
She said yes, so I was glad.
Ok, it is not perfect, one side of my head is cut a little bit more than the other one, maybe I look a bit weird, but nobody is perfect.

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Chuck Norris can access private methods.

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There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds.
The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his ваlls weighed five pounds.
All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.
Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong.
The head nurse replied, "We don't know what to do with this baby."
So the chief surgeon took one look and said,
"You should put him into a mental institution."
"Why?' asked the head nurse.
"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him.
The boy is obviously half nuts."

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Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Nurse jokes Boss Jokes

I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked,
“How would you like your steak, sir?”
“The same way I like my s-ex,” I replied.
He smiled and said, “So, rare?”
Cu-nt.

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My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s раnтiеs. I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearimg them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made the funeral a bit awkward.

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A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"
I said,
"People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
Credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

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Vegan and Vegetarian Jokes

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse."
"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said,
"Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

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Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

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What's a vegetarian's favorite place to dine? An arboretum.

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One-Liner Jokes Vegan and Vegetarian Jokes

Husband's note on refrigerator for wife:
Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst вееr is normal.
I didn't know you liked вееr.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes One-Liner Jokes Beer Jokes

Does anybody here know what to do if a bear attacks? A lot of people do think youre supposed to play dead, which is not what youre supposed to do. And the best thing about playing dead is -- thats like a rumor that bears spread.

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One-Liner Jokes

Another death in New York, but not from COVID-19. He came home with the wrong mask.

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Coronavirus Jokes

Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations?
Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

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Religion jokes Science jokes Math Jokes Atheist Jokes

I did so much сrаск, one day I broke in my own house.
I ain't lying. I was halfway out the door with the TV before I realized it was my place. And before I broke in, I used to stand outside and case the joint. Finally, I said, 'Dамn, this brother will never come home!'

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Drug Jokes Police Officer Jokes

A huge guy walks into a bar, approaches a little guy and karate chops him in the back. When the little guy gets up, the huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
A little later, the huge guy walks back over to the little guy and karate chops him in the back. The huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from China."
The little guy leaves the bar, comes back and hits the huge guy on the back. The huge guy lies unconscious on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender, "Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

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Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Asian jokes

Yo' Mama is so fат, her kneecaps smile.

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Food Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes

A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says:
"Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?''
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Police Officer Jokes Boss Jokes American Presidents Humor

Q: How did the butcher introduce his wife?
A: Meet Patty.

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Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes

Four blondes drive to a bar in their old pickup truck. Three sit in the cab, and one sits in the bed of the truck.The three blondes go into the bar and order a round of shots. Almost an hour later, the fourth blonde finally joins them. "Where have you been?" they ask.
She responds, "Well, you all forgot to open the tailgate!"

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Car and driving jokes Blonde Jokes

A little girl and her mother are at chuch when the little girl starts to feel sick. Her mother tells her to go throw up in the bushes behind the church. When the little girl returns, her mother asks her if she threw up.
"Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way around the back. There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.'"

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