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Yo' Mama is so fат, smaller fат women orbit around her.

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Yo' Mama is so poor, when she picks a вооgеr, she yells, "Clap your hands and stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got meat!"

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A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

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Mother: "Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school."
Victor: "Mom, do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too."
Mother: "Yes, you do."
Victor: "Give me one good reason."
Mother: "Because you're 34 years old, and you're the principal."

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A lawyer dies and goes to the end of a long line at the Pearly Gates. To his surprise, St. Peter leaves his desk, walks over and greets him warmly. An angel takes the lawyer by the hand, guides him to the front of the line and settles him into a comfortable chair.
The lawyer says, "I appreciate all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replies, "Well, we've added up all the hours that you billed your clients, and by my calculation, you must be about 193 years old!"

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A vacuum salesman goes door-to-door in a new neighborhood. When a woman answers the door at the first house, the salesman walks right in and drops соw patties on her floor.
He says, "Ma'am, just to show you how confident I am in the quality of my vacuums, I'll eat whatever the vacuum doesn't pick up."
The woman smiles and asks, "Could I get you some ketchup with that?"
The salesman scoffs confidently and says, "I assure you my vacuums have more power than any other on the market today!"
The woman replies, "Well, that may be so, but we just moved in and the electricity isn't turned on yet."

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sеxy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

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Q: How do you know when a blonde has a brain fаrт?
A: Her ears flap.

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Little Johnny's class is reviewing the alphabet.
His teacher knows that he has an "advanced" vocabulary for his age, so she avoids calling on him. When the teacher asks for a word beginning with "A," Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher anticipates he'll say, "аss" so she calls on Mary Lou, who says "apple."
This continues because the teacher knows that Little Johnny knows a cuss word for every letter of the alphabet. Then she gets to "R." She can't think of any cuss words that begin with R, so she calls on Johnny.
He exclaims, "R is for rats - big f**king rats, with 12-inch c**ks!"

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A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon suite, and it turns out they are both virgins.
Brought up the old traditional way, neither of them really knows how to have sеx. So after about half a painful hour of abortive attempts to get it on, an idea occurs to the husband. ''OK, honey,'' he says, ''this is what we'll do. I'll go into the closet and you go into the bathroom. We'll both get undressed and turn off the lights in the bedroom. And then on the count of three we'll both rush out at each other and then it will just happen in the middle of the bedroom.'' The wife is a bit unsure about this, but since she doesn't have any better ideas she agrees.
So, the husband goes into the closet and the wife goes into the bathroom and they both get undressed. The anticipation is driving the husband mad and as he takes off his clothes he gets an enormous еrестiоn. The wife turns off the lights and on the count of three they both rush into the bedroom towards each other. But since the room is dark the husband gets disoriented and runs by his wife right into the dresser. He hits the dresser so hard that he passes out from the pain.
The next thing he remembers is coming to in a hosital bed, with a doctor looking down at him. His throbbing diск is still so painful that he moans to the doctor, ''Doc, doc, how bad is it?''
''That's nothing, son. Wait till you see your wife! We still haven't gotten her off the doorknob.''

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Joe frequently attends his church Bingo club, and every week, a gag door prize is given out. One week, Joe is presented with a toilet brush.
"What the hеll is this?'" he asks the pastor.
"Why, it's a toilet brush."
"Oh, I see," says Joe. A couple weeks later, the pastor jokingly asks Joe how the brush is working.
He replies, "Well, it's okay, but I think I'll go back to using paper."

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Did you hear about the depressed proctologist?
He's been feeling down in the dumps.

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A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down.
She goes to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, ''My car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until I can get some help tomorrow?'' ''Well,'' drawls the farmer, ''you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke.''
The blonde looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. ''Okay,'' she says. After going to bed, the woman begins to get a little hot thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, ''Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?''
They say, ''Huh?''
She says, ''The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.'' She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, ''Luke? You remember that blonde woman that came by here forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?''
''Yeah,'' says Luke, ''I remember.''
''Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?'' asks Jed.
''Nope,'' says Luke, ''I reckon not.''
''Me neither,'' says Jed. ''Let's take these things off.''

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Three gаy men died, and were cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, ''My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane to scatter his ashes in the sky.''
The second man said, ''My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.''
The third man said, ''My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a рот of chili, so he can tear my аss up just one more time.''

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One man says, "I can't believe they are still together after all that сrар."
The other man says, "Who?"
The first man says, "Your вuтт cheeks."

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A hitchhiker walks down the road. Unfortunately, he has the runs and has to stop every 15 minutes. A truck driver stops and offers a ride, but warns him that he won't stop for anything.
About 10 minutes on the road, the hitchhiker begs the truck driver to stop, and the driver tells him, "Stick your вuтт out the window if you have to go so bad."
The hitchhiker sticks his вuтт out the window and lets loose. Unfortunately, he doesn't notice the two guys walking on the roadside.
Sprayed with feces, the first guy wipes his face and says, "What are them truckers chewing these days?"
The second guy wipes his face and says, "I don't know, but did you see the lips on that guy?"

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What do you call a gаy guy with a sixteen-inch d**k?
A pain in the аss!

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Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician standing at the top of a slide.
The magician said, ''You may each go down the slide and ask for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide, you shall land in a huge glass of that drink. The first man went down yelling, "Вееr!" He landed in a glass of вееr. The second man went down yelling, "Lemonade!" He landed in a glass of lemonade. The third guy man down the slide yelling, "Wee!"

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How many Microsoft technicians does it take to sсrеw in a light bulb?
None, they would just declare darkness the new standard TM

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The was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.
Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?''
George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?'' George replies, ''Then I am 10 minutes late.''

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