Most popular jokes

Real "Personal ads" that have appeared in the Dublin News: Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sеx addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning. Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by long-time fiancÃ©e, seeks decent, honest, eligible woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced вiтсhеs. Gingеr haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old ваsтаrd, living in a damp cottage in the аrsе end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest. Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM. Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.

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Blonde Jokes

Q: What do women and airplanes have in common?
A: They both have a cockpit.

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Dirty jokes Aviation Jokes

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a donkey walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.
He took the precious book out of the donkey's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the donkey. "Your name is written inside the cover."

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Animal Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Bible Jokes

A scientist tells a pharmacist, "Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid."
"Do you mean aspirin?" asks the pharmacist.
The scientist slaps his forehead. "That's it!" he says. "I can never remember the name."

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Pharmacist Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Science jokes Geek jokes Chemistry Jokes

Girl, you should sell hotdogs, because you already know how to make a wiener stand!

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Dirty jokes Food Jokes Sex Jokes Flirt jokes Communication Jokes

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist,
“Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.”
“But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.
“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”

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Old People Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

All the grandkids were visiting for Thanksgiving. Before dinner, Grandma made a lengthy speech about being thankful for her extra-special blessings, her four grandchildren. Two seconds after she stopped speaking, all hеll broke loose and the kids were yelling and grabbing for the home-made rolls.Grandma sat there, eyes closed with a tight squint on her face. When asked what was the matter, she replied, "I'm just praying for a little patience to handle all these blessings."

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Thanksgiving Jokes

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make roomfor a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could notbe imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeletonin a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they shouldcall the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closetand showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. Theysaid, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more,they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "Weare the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to knowif it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind ofimportant."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

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Blonde Jokes

I'll kiss you in the rain, so you get twice as wet.

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Insult Jokes

Virginity like bubble, one рriск all gone.

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Flirt jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes

A boy who was a witness to a сriме was called to testify in court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"
"Yes, sir," answered the boy.
"I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?"
"My father, sir."
"And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly.
"He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right."

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Lawyer Jokes

A traveling salesman goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, I could put you up for one night, but youll have to stay in the barn. So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, Were you comfortable? He goes, I had a great time; I talked to all the animals. He goes, You talked to the animals? He goes, Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six. He goes, Thats exactly right. He says, The horse tells me his name is Otis, youve owned him for 10 years. He goes, Thats incredible. And he goes, I spoke to the соw, the соw says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep. And the farmer goes, Those sheep are lying.

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Farmer Jokes

The inventor of the umbrella was originally going to call it brella...
But he hesitated.

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One-Liner Jokes

Once, Yogi Berra's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?"
Yogi replied, "Surprise me."

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One-Liner Jokes

Q: What happens when you're too harsh on cranberries and make them sad?
A: They turn into blueberries. Q: What's the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years. Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was Thanksgiving Day and he wanted people to think he was a chicken! A first grade class was asked to write a paragraph called "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving."
Little Johnny's began, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey." Q: When did the Pilgrims first say, "God bless America?"
A: The first time they heard America sneeze. Q: What do you call Thanksgiving if you're selfish?
A: Thanks-taking. My husband doesn't think housework is a full-time job. So for Thanksgiving, I served him a raw turkey because revenge is a dish best served cold. Why did the farmer run a steamroller over his potato field on Thanksgiving Day?
He wanted to raise mashed potatoes. Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A: A turkey that can pluck itself! Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn?
A: Where's popcorn? Q: What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
A: God save the kin. Q: What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?
A: Quack! Quack! Q: Which part of the turkey do drummers prefer?
A: The drumstick, or course! Q: What's the main ingredient in Thanksgiving bread?
A: May-flour! Q: Where's the only place that Christmas comes before Thanksgiving?
A: In the dictionary! Q: What's a pumpkin's favorite sport?
A: Squash! Q: What do you call it when it rains turkeys?
A: Foul weather! Q: What sound does a turkey's phone make?
A: Wing, wing. Q: What's the smallest unit of measurement in the pilgrim cookbook?
A: Pilgram. Q: How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?
A: He was very thinkful. Q: Why did the Pilgrim eat a candle?
A: He wanted a light snack. Q: Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
A: He lost track of thyme. Q: Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?
A: To try to hatchet. Q: Why do turkeys lay eggs?
A: Because if they dropped them, they would break. Q: If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does turkey come from?
A: A poul-tree. Q: What do you get when a turkey lays an egg on a hill?
A: An eggroll.

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Thanksgiving Jokes

Q: Where do ghosts buy their Halloween candy?
A: At the ghost-ery store! Q: What do owls say when they go trick or treating?
A: Happy Owl-ween! Q: What do ghosts give out to trick or treaters?
A: Booberries! Q: Who did Frankenstein go trick or treating with?
A: His ghoul friend. Q: What Halloween candy is never on time for the party?
A: Choco-LATE! Q: Which type of pants do ghosts wear to trick or treat?
A: Boo jeans. Q: What makes trick or treating with twin witches so challenging?
A: You never know which witch is which! Q: What monster plays tricks on Halloween?
A: Prank-enstein! Q: What fruit do scarecrows love the most?
A: Straw-berries. Q: What does a witch use to do her hair?
A: Scarespray! Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
A: He is мisт. Q:How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
A: A pumpkin patch. Q: Why don’t vampires have more friends?
A: Because they are a pain in the neck. Q: What position does a ghost play in hockey?
A: Ghoulie. Q: What do you give a vampire when he’s sick?
A: Coffin-drops. Q: What is a ghost's nose full of?
A: Boooooogers! Q: Have you heard how popular the local cemetery is?
A: People are just dying to get in. Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept.

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Halloween Jokes One-Liner Jokes Vampire jokes

A man is in a restaurant where a pianist is playing in a corner.
"Do you play things on request?" calls the man to the pianist.
"Oh yes, sir," says the pianist.
"Great," says the man. "Play dominoes."

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Music and Musician Jokes One-Liner Jokes Restaurant Jokes

I had an office so small...
That when I put the key in the door, I broke a window.

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One-Liner Jokes

Our parents got divorced when we were kids and it was kind of cool. We got to go to divorce court with them. It was like a game show. My mom won the house and car. We're all excited. My dad got some luggage.
Tom Arnold

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One-Liner Jokes

I was in Paris, with orders to replace my boss's antique white chesspieces. He told me, “Spare no expense!” He gave me a blanc échec.

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One-Liner Jokes Boss Jokes

Most Popular Jokes