Most popular jokes

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied.
"They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, visualization, association,it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"
He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

64 0

Yo mamma is so ugly when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, "Sorry, no professionals. "

64 0

Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes

Everyone told Sam not to sing...
But Samsung anyway.

64 0

One-Liner Jokes

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform in bed anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says, "All you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets a massive еrестiоn.
His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?"

64 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes

Twas the night before Christmasand throughout the substation,Not a deputy stirred,they were all on vacation. The stockings were hungon the wall with great care,Next to some T-shirtsand old underwear. I was working the night shiftcompiling stats,Answering the phone,and feeding the rat. When all of a suddenthere arose such a clatter,I leapt from my deskto see what was the matter! I opened the doorwith a creak and a crick,And saw a jolly red fат manI knew must be St. Nick. I had seen his picturea time or two,He was wanted:Article 27 - Section 342. I threw open the doorand commanded him "Freeze!"
"Put your hands on you headand get down on your knees." But he turned and he ran,up the chimney he flew,With me in pursuit,toward Booth St. I knew. When we got to the roofSanta made for his sleigh,Throwing down toysand blocking my way. As I got to the peak,he threw down some сrаск,I slipped and I felllanding flat on my back. To my front I was facedwith a toy M-1 tank,And Pink Power Rangerscovering my flank. "On Dasher, on Dancer!",he cried loud and clear.Then I got off three roundsand dropped the lead deer. And I heard Santa sayas he sailed into the blue,"Merry Christmas to all!My Lawyers will sue!"

64 0

Lawyer Jokes Christmas Jokes

Q: What travels at 200km's a hour?
A: A Mexican hearing a dollar drop to the ground.

64 2

Mexican jokes Money jokes Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Black People Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes.
After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down.
Then she said, "First Question was which tire was flat?"

64 0

School Jokes Car and driving jokes

Yo mama is so fат Donald Trump used her as the wall.

64 0

Yo Momma Jokes Political Jokes American Presidents Humor

The waitress asked how I would like my coffee.
I told her: "like my woman - hot and black".

64 4

Waiter Jokes Jokes about Women Customer service jokes Black People Jokes Coffee Jokes

Kennen was having a drink in a saloon when his neighbor, Stakely, came rushing in.
"Ah think somebody's stealin' yore pickup truck!" the man said breathlessly.
Kennan ran outside, but came back right away.
"Well, did yew stop him?" asked Stakely.
"Naw!" said the redneck.
"He was too fast.
But Ah got his license plate before he got away!"

64 0

Jokes

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking!
There is a very pretty, hot and sеxy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fат old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous! "
The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before.
This is Air Force One..."

64 1

Political Jokes Aviation Jokes Couple jokes Military Jokes

Wife:
"Honey let's play a game?"
Husband:
"Ok, what is the game all about?"
Wife:
"If I mention a country, you will run to the left side of the room and touch the wall. And if I mention a bird you will run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you will give me all your salary for the month."
Husband:
"Ok and if you fail, I will have your salary too right?"
Wife: (smile) "Yes darling."
Husband:
"Ok" (stood up and was ready to run to any direction)
Wife:
"Are u ready?"
Husband:
"Yes, ready."
Wife:
"Turkey"
It has been 4 hours now the husband is still standing at the spot wondering if she meant the country or the bird.

64 0

Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Why couldn't the sailors play cards?
The captain was sitting on the deck.

64 0

Military Jokes Sailor Jokes

What will my computer printer warranty cover?
Your mouse pad.

64 0

Technology Jokes Computer Jokes Geek jokes Nerd jokes

Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney World and the Simpsons.
If they acquire my parent's divorce they will own my entire childhood.

64 0

Star Wars Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes

THESE ARE ACTUAL SCHOOL ABSENCES (SUPPOSEDLY) FROM PARENTS -- INCLUDING SPELLING.*My son is under a doctor's care today and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.*Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.*Dear School: Please ekscuse John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.*Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. *Please excuse Roland frrom P.E. for a few days. Yesterday, he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. *John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.*Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.*Megan could not come to school today because she has been botheres by very close veins.*Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.*Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.*Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.*Please excuse Jim for being. It was his father's fault.*I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.*Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. *Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.*Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.*Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.*Please excuse brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.*Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best, either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

63 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes Christmas Jokes Monday jokes Friday jokes School Jokes

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
"Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them."

63 0

Funeral jokes Money jokes One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Boss Jokes

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did!"

63 0

Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Blonde Jokes

Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
Q: What's the difference between a law firm and a circus?
A: At a circus, the clowns don't charge the public by the hour.
Q: Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
A: An ambulance stopped suddenly.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still.

63 0

Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. Tonight when you get home, put a handful of ice cubes down your wife's nightie and say: 'There's the chest freezer you always wanted'. Age doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?' I've seen a topl*ss lady ventriloquist. Nobody has ever seen her lips move. The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener. How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday. My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson'. Author, Comedy legend Sir Ken Dodd has died 11 March 2018, at age of 90.

63 0

Blonde Jokes Superhero Jokes

Most Popular Jokes