Newest jokes - Page 238

Q: If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
A: "Darling, could you tell me about your work."

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I was looking at the pies offered by a nearby café. They had cherry, apple, berry, peach, and Herman's.
"What type of pie is Herman's?" I asked the waiter.
"Apple," he said.
"Then why is it called Herman's pie?"
"Because Herman called in to reserve it."

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Food Jokes Business jokes Customer service jokes Communication Jokes

Ad from a printer I will not be doing business with: "We offer a full line of pricing options that will meet or exceed your printing budget."

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Money jokes Business jokes Customer service jokes

An economist is someone who didn't have enough personality to become an accountant.

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Office and Work Jokes Accountant Jokes

A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severely bleeding.
The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to you?"
The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."

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Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes Irish jokes

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls.
She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For best results, put on two coats".

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Office and Work Jokes Blonde Jokes

A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf.
She asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?”
The clerk replies, “That is a thermos.”
The blonde then asks, “What does it do?”
The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.”
The blonde says, “Oh! I could use something like that! I’ll take it!”
The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, “I just got this yesterday, isn’t it wonderful!
It’s a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!”
The boss asks, “And what do you have in it?”
The blonde replies, “Some coffee and a popsicle.”

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Office and Work Jokes Blonde Jokes Coffee Jokes Boss Jokes

"Your Honor, it was an accident! I had to run into the fence to keep from hitting the соw!"
"Was it a Jersey соw?"
"I don't know, I didn't see her license plate!"

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Animal Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A man was talking to his wife about going to the social security office.
He said he would go the next day.
So the next morning he goes but when he gets there he realized he forgot his license and she said that was fine she could tell his age by the hair on his chest. So he opened his shirt and everything went smoothly.
He got home and told his wife what happened and she said: "well honey if you would have pulled down your pants you could have filed for disability."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Old People Jokes Communication Jokes

Patient: "Tell me how I can repay you for all your kindness."
Doctor: "You can pay by cash, cheque or MONEY order."

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Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Me: "I'm finally happy!"
Life: "Lol, wait a sec."

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Life Jokes

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they're 70% water.
Are you scared of water?
Well you should be.
400,000 people drown per year.

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Sick and Death Jokes

Did anyone ever notice that "STUDYING" is a mixture of STUDY and DYING?

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School Jokes

One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, "Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count.
The other kids could only count to three but I can count to Ten..... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
The mother responds, "Very good honey."
The blonde asks, "Is that because I'm a blonde mommy?"
And the mother responds, "Yes dear."
Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, "Today in school we learned our ABCs!
The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!"
The mother says, "Very good honey."
The blonde then asked.
"Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?"
The mother responds, "Yes dear."
The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy today in school we went swimming!
But I was the only one who had вrеаsтs.
Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?"
And the mother responds, "No Honey, it's because you're twenty five."

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School Jokes Kids Jokes Blonde Jokes Old People Jokes Math Jokes

When Chuck Norris finishes his workout, the gym takes a break.

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Office and Work Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Fitness jokes

A Knight was getting ready for the crusade. Ha turned to his friend and told him:
"My fiancée is the most beautiful girl in the world and I can't imagine her being with someone else, while I'm gone. You're my best friend and I trust you. Here's the key for her chastity belt. In case I never get back, unlock her and set her free."
When the crusade Knights were a mile away from the village, the Knight gets an urgent message:
"Mate, You Gave Me The Wrong Key!"

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Friendship Jokes Beauty Jokes

A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables. He sets em down on the bar.
And then the bartender said "Now dont you start anything!"

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Car and driving jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.
The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.
When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"

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Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Aviation Jokes

A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. A mile down the road, he's stopped by a police officer.
The officer walked up to the driver's side window holding a Breathalyzer and said: "Good evening sir. We're testing for drunк driving. Would you please вlоw into this machine?"
The man says: "Sorry officer, but I can't do that. I have asthma. If I вlоw in that machine, I will get out of air."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample", said the officer.
"I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urinе sample."
"I'm sorry officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright... then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line."
"I can't do that either, officer."
The officer was getting irritated... "And why not?"
"Because I'm dead drunк."

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Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Police Officer Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A deer hunter asked his Pastor if it was a sin to hunt on Sunday.
"From what I hear about your aim," said the Pastor, "It's a sin for you to hunt anytime."

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Religion jokes Hunting Jokes Priest Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

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