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Who Knocked Up My Bear?
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling. ''I've never been better!'' he boasted. ''I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?'' The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, ''Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.'' The doctor continued, ''So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?'' the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, ''No, what?'' The doctor continued, ''The bear dropped dead in front of him.'' ''That's impossible!'' exclaimed the old man. ''Someone else must of shot the bear.'' ''That's kind of what I'm getting at,'' replied the doctor.
Един старец отива на лекар. След като се оженил за млада жена 96-годишен дядка се жени за млада красавица. Дедото што се оженил со 18 годишна девојка Αποκλείεται C'est un vieil homme de 80 ans qui va chez le docteur pour un examen annuel. - Докторе, приятелката ми е бременна, но аз използвам винаги кондом! Один 80-летний старик пришел к врачу на медосмотр. Ein Achtzigjähriger erzählt, dass seine junge Frau ein Kind bekommt. Ein Bekannter sagt zu ihm: A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" Un 80enne va dal dottore per sottoporsi al solito controllo annuale e quando gli viene chiesto come si sente, risponde: "Non sono mai stato meglio in vita mia, dottore! Ho appena sposato una ragazza di 20 anni, l'ho messa incinta e tra poco sarò padre. Che ne pensa?" Il dottore pensa un momento e... 85 yaşından da bir adam doğum hanenin kapısında beklemektedir. Doğumhaneden çıkan doktor şöyle bir bakındıktan sonra yaşlı adama sorar: Doktor- “içeride doğum yapan bayan yakınınız mı?” Adam- “Evet,eşim.” Doktor- “Ama bayan 25 yaşlarında…” Adam- “Tamam işte, eşim o. Niye şaşırdınız, baba olamaz... Een oude man van 98 jaar gaat naar zijn huisarts voor zijn jaarlijkse onderzoek. De arts vraagt hoe hij zich voelt. "Ik heb me nog nooit zo goed gevoeld. Mijn vriendin is 18 jaar en verwacht een... En gamling på 98 år gjorde sin årliga läkarundersökning. Läkaren frågade hur han kände sig: - Jag har aldrig mått bättre! Min fästmö är 18 år och är gravid och väntar mitt barn. Sååå... vad säger... Un homme de 80 ans se rend chez le docteur pour son examen annuel. Le docteur lui demande comment il se sent. "- Je ne me suis jamais senti aussi bien. Ma fiancée de 18 ans vient de tomber... Um homem de 85 anos estava em seu check-up anual e o médico pergunta como ele esta se sentindo. — Eu nunca me senti tão bem, disse ele. Minha nova esposa tem 18 anos e esta gravida! Esperando um... Egy idős bácsi ellenőrző vizsgálatra megy az orvosához. Az orvos kérdezi tőle, hogy van. - Nagyszerűen érzem magam, doktor úr. Egy éve újra megházasodtam. Az új feleségem 25 éves és 4 hónapos... Un anciano de 90 años llega al médico para su chequeo de rutina. El doctor le pregunta: ¿ Cómo se siente? ¡ Nunca estuve mejor!, mi novia tiene 18 años, ahora está embarazada y vamos a tener un... Egy 85 éves bácsi dicsekszik az orvosának, hogy fiatal felesége terhes lett. Mire az orvos: - Hadd meséljek el magának egy történetet! Egy ember elment vadászni, de olyan szórakozott volt, hogy... En gammel mand på 90 var ved lægen En gammel mand på 90 var ved lægen, for sin årlige helbredsundersøgelse, og lægen spurgte hvordan han havde det. "Jeg har aldrig haft det bedre", pralede han.... 98-letni staruszek przychodzi do lekarza na badania kontrolne. Lekarz pyta go o Samopoczucie, na co staruszek odpowiada: - Nigdy nie czułem się lepiej. Mam 18-letnią narzeczoną. Jest w ciąży i... Sr. João de 80 anos vai ao médico fazer o chekup. — O Dr. pergunta com vai sr. João. — Estou muito bem Dr. Veja só minha mulher é jovem tem 25 anos e estha esperando um filho meu. Poderia estha... O velho de 90 anos vai ao médico fazer os exames de rotina quando o médico lhe pergunta: — Como o senhor está se sentindo? O velho diz: — Meu filho, eu me sinto muito bem... a minha esposa tem 20...
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More вееr.
More cheese. More sеx. Vitamin fortified cigars. Public вееr fountains. Kitty catapults. All day happy hour at a lеsвiаn Ноотеrs. Wet T-shirt Fridays. Replace NFL linebackers with genetically bred velociraptors. Rocket boots. Machine gun camp. NASA space shuttle races. Sledgehammer boxing. Girlfriend TiVO so you can pause, rewind, and delete arguments. Congressional pie fights. Government research grants to build the perfect chicken parmesan hero. More вееr. More cheese. More sеx. Tomahawk missile surf boards. Hot tub jury boxes. Nacho cheese lipstick. Personal мidgет-ninja chauffeurs. New TV shows: PBS' The BBQ Hour, Total Kung-Fu Live, and America's Funniest Farts. 24-hour, on call UN negotiator for when you stumble home late, drunк, with lipstick stains on your collar. More вееr. More cheese. More sеx. Condoms that whistle, whir, and honk when used. Inflatable sеx dolls who cook. Beef jerky business cards. Combination briefcase/pizza oven. National Make-Out with Cheerleaders Day. Art museums dedicated to framing copy-machine faxes of аssеs. Robot gloves for crushing kegs of вееr. Karaoke "ejector" stages. Opera glasses that broadcast ESPN. The Astronaut Reserves. Роrnо without all the "talking" filler. Head ваnging elevated to "fine art". All money spent on women tax deductible! Free BBQ buffet at the DMV. Passports to Margaritaville. The ability to telepathically force anyone to belch on the spot. One "Get Out of the Doghouse" card.
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There were these two old guys...
There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day.
Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you - and if you die first, you come back and tell me - if there is baseball in heaven."
They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on.
One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
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Little Jimmy had become a real nuisance while the men tried to concentrate on their Saturday afternoon poker game.
His father tried in every way he could to get Jimmy to occupy himself, but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held. The players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Jimmy by the hand, and led him out of the room.
The uncle returned in a short time without Jimmy and without comment, and the game resumed. For the balance of the afternoon, there was no trouble from Jimmy. After the game ended and the players were settling their wins and losses, one of the men asked Jimmy's uncle, "What in the world did you do to Jimmy?"
"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I told him how to jеrк off."
Sports Jokes
On the day of the Royal Wedding, Sofia was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sofia for the day. Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sofia's feet were in agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say ''God, that was tight.''
''There,'' whispered the Queen. ''I told you she was a virgin.''
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. ''Right. Now for the other one.'' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said ''My God. That was even tighter.''
''That's my boy,'' said the Duke. ''Once a sailor, always a sailor.''
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