Newest jokes - Page 243

Two computers in the same LAN chatting one night:
PC1: I was having a nightmare last night, it was so horrible.
PC2: Why, what did you dream about ?
PC1: I was sleeping, dreaming 0 1 1 0 1 0 0 0 1 0 when all of a sudden a 2 popped up!

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Computer Jokes

One day, Bob came home from school very happy and that got his mother suspicious; "What’s the matter Bob? How come you’re that happy?"
"You can’t even imagine-..! Today at school, I planted a bomb on the teacher’s chair and we all laughed sooo hard!"
The mother upset: "Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? Don’t you know that you’re going to be suspended? How you think you’re gonna show up in the school again tomorrow?"
And Bob, with a sтuрid smile on his face: "School? What school?"

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School Jokes

A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, “Major, when was the last time you had sеx?”
“1956,” was his reply.
“No wonder you look so uptight!” she exclaimed. “Major, you need to get out more!”
“I’m not sure I understand you,” he answered, glancing at his watch, ”It’s only 2014 now.”

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sex Jokes Military Jokes

Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"
Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Ugly Jokes

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"
The girl says, "I don’t like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn’t dance with you."
The guy says, "I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fат in those pants."

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Music and Musician Jokes Fat Jokes

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pуssy.
"Put your finger in me..." she asks him.
So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning.
"Put two fingers in...", she says.
So in goes another one.
She's really starting to get worked up when she says,"Put your whole hand in!".
The guy's like, "OK!".
So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!".
So the guy puts both of his hands in!
"Now clap your hands..." commands the girl.
"I can't", says the guy.
The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pуssy!".

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Office and Work Jokes Dirty jokes

Chuck Norris does not get parking tickets; he gets "thank you for parking anywhere" notes.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science and mathematics.
He makes friends with the tribe's chief and his wife and they all live happily for some time.
One day the chief's wife gives birth to a white child.
The word spreads and the entire tribe is in shock.
The chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look, you are the only white man we've ever seen around here, and my wife gave birth to a white child.
It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, chief, you're mistaken.
What we have here is a natural occurrence what we in the civilized world call an albino!
Look at that field over there.
All the sheep are white except for one black one.
Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what.
You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about the white kid."

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School Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Baby Jokes Black People Jokes White people jokes Boss Jokes

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
Johnny: I is..
Teacher: No, that's not correct Johnny.
You should always say, 'I am.'
Johnny: Okay, 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes

Two friends:
Tonight I am going to organize a group sеx session in my apartment.
Do you want to come?
Of course! How many people are coming?
Three, if you bring your girlfriend.

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Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes

An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

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Animal Jokes Pet Jokes

What happened to the cannibal lion?
He had to swallow his pride!

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Animal Jokes

Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.
Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy

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Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Drug Jokes

Q: Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes Stupid Jokes

Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy.

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Jokes about Women Computer Jokes

I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.

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Aviation Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.
"Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you’ll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."
"Oh, no.”" the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don’t want to have to come back."
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a sсrеw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up and they disappear."
"That’s what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let’s do that."
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor’s office.
"Well, how’s the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks.
"Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made."
"What’s wrong?" asks the doctor.
"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.
"Lady," the doctor reports, "those aren’t bags, those are your воовs, and if you don’t leave that sсrеw alone, you’re going to have a beard!"

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Boob Jokes

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are all stuck on a deserted island together.
The island is 20 miles from the nearest inhabited island so they all decide to try to swim there.
The redhead makes it 10 miles, is exhausted, gives up, and drowns.
The brunette makes it 15 miles before she's too tired to go any farther and drowns.
The blonde gets 19 miles away from the deserted island, decides she's too tired to go any farther, and swims all the way back to the deserted island.

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Blonde Jokes Stupid Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

I quit my gym this morning because one of the instructors started shouting at me:
"Come on man, you've got to want it! Come on push. You can do it."
I hate being disturbed when I'm having a dump.

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Fitness jokes Communication Jokes

There was an employment advertisement in an office. So a guy went there. Managrer asked him:
"Do you know what is the meaning of Ph.D.?"
The guy answered:
"Passed High school with Difficulties."

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Management Jokes Student jokes

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