Newest jokes - Page 2824

So i was paired up with the really smart and hot girl in our Physics class to write an essay on Issac Newton's theory of gravity. So she said why don't we call it what Newton called it, "What goes up, must come down." Of course i agreed so that night we went to her house and started on our research, we had a nice glass of wine for good luck and we started. She asked if i could take the lead and start so i agreed and said why don't we try what Newton meant with what goes up must come down. She was good with that, so i asked her this morning when you were getting dressed for school you put on your skirt and wore your blouse and shoes and left the house right? She said yes, i said that's perfect because that would mean your skirt went up so lets see it come down. Blammmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

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(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
Edit: wow this blew up!
Thanks for the gold!!!

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Dad Jokes

April Fools Day............
The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.

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April Fools' Jokes

What do planets use to download music?
Nep-tunes.

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Space jokes

What's a pirate's least favourite letter?
Dear Sir/Madam,
We are writing this letter to inform you that your account has been suspended for illegal downloading of copyrighted material

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Sailor Jokes Pirate Jokes

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amaryllis.
Amaryllis who?
Amaryllis state agent. Wanna buy a house?

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Knock-knock jokes

Just heard on the news about the 1993 luggage мurdеr. Apparently the police are reopening the case

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News and Politics Jokes Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes

My Asian roommate says I have schizophrenia.
Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.

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Asian jokes

This guy from across the road was talking to me earlier.
“My wife’s just told me she’s been having an affair with Dave the milkman,” he confided.
“What? That fат ugly fсuкеr I see every morning outside your house?”
“Yes,” he laughed, cheering up.
“Why would Dave the milkman want to fсuк that?”

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Cheating Jokes Fat Jokes

I was talking to this guy at the gym about push-ups.
“How many reps would you usually do?” he asked.
“A million,” I rep lied.

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Fitness jokes

A husband and wife are moving out of their house and are starting to box everything up. The husband finds a box under the bed, pulls it out, and looks inside, where he finds two eggs and about $8,000. He approaches the wife and asks, "What are the eggs for?" She replies,
"Every time I cheat on you, I put an egg in the box." He says,
"That's alright, you've only cheated on me twice. What's the money for?" The wife replies,
"Every time I get a dozen, I sell them!"

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Money jokes Relationship Jokes

I know my dentist loves golf, but I still hate his approach with that dental drill...
"Get in the hole!!!"

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Dentist Jokes Golf jokes

The first-time flier was very nervous as he buckled his seat belt before takeoff. He turned to the woman in the next seat and asked,
"About how often do jetliners like this crash?"
She thought a moment and replied, "Usually, just once."

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Jokes about Women Aviation Jokes

The drunк was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side.
He bumped into a friend who asked,
"What do you have in there, pal?"
"A mongoose."
"What for?"
"Well, you know how drunк I can get.
When I get drunк I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes.
That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
"But," the friend said,
"You idiот!
Those are imaginary snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunк, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Friendship Jokes

What kind of music do wind turbines like?
They're huge metal fans

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Music and Musician Jokes

A North Korean Soldier Walks Into A Bar
The bartender asks, "How's it going?" The North Korean soldier replies,
"Can't complain!"

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Military Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians
So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.

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Science jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes

A drunк asked a barman, “Who did you vote for in the last election?”
“None of your business,” the barman answered, “And besides, you never talk politics in a pub.”
“Okay,” said the drunк. “What church do you go to?”
“None of your business,” the barman answered, “And besides, you never talk religion in a pub.”
“Okay,” said the drunк. “Can I talk about sеx?”
“Sure! Sеx is great pub talk!”
“Okay,” said the drunк, “Fсuк you.”

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Religion jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sex Jokes Political Jokes

‘A Recruit Goes AWOL’
As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor’s office. The instructor asked the young recruit, “Why did you go AWOL?” ….
….
The recruit replied, “My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull some of my teeth. The third day you issued me a jоск strap, and I wasn’t about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR!”

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Office and Work Jokes Masturbation jokes Dentist Jokes American Presidents Humor

At my prostate exam earlier, the Doctor dropped my trousers and slid his finger up my аrsе, he said:
“Let me know when it becomes uncomfortable.”
“Just then” I said, “when your receptionist dimmed the lights and started filming.”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes

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