Newest jokes - Page 294

Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."
Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.
Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be dамnеd if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"

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Joe asked God, "How much is a penny worth in heaven?"
God replied, "$1 million."
Joe asked, "How long is a minute in heaven?"
God said, "One million years."
Joe asked for a penny. God said, "Sure, in a minute."

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Money jokes

Homeless people here are different.
You ever notice that? Our homeless people are serious, man. They have signs that not only say, 'Will work for food,' some of them have what they want: 'Baked potato, salad, shrimp, sweet potato pie, sour chives.'

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Money jokes Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes

Q: Why aren't there any nails in a lеsвiаn's floor?
A: They're all laid with tongue and groove.

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Money jokes

Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.

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Money jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes

A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra-large condoms.The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy some?"
The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys a box?"

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Jokes about Women

He took me to McDonald's, backed his car through the drive-through window, so the cashier could be on my side.

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Money jokes

Cats are cool because you don't have to buy them.
You see them on the street, take them home - they're yours. You ain't never seen a cat being bought out of a pet store. They just sit in the pet store. They're under there like, 'Meow,' and you be looking at them like, 'Oh they're so cute. Let's go find one like that.'

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Money jokes

My mama was so cheap, she waited 'til after Christmas.
'Baby, Santa Claus missed our house. I called him, and he coming back tomorrow.' She was waiting for the stuff to go on sale.

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Money jokes

Q: What did the bird say after his cage fell apart?
A: "Cheap, cheap!"

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Money jokes

A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill.
He decided to try it out anyway, so he went to the bank and asked for change. The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.

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Money jokes Banker Jokes

We need to just understand saying 'I love you' to your mom and dad because you only get one mom - and two or three dads.

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Nationality Jokes

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London.The waiter tells them, "Excuse me - if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad соw disease."
The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's a steak?"
The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"

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Nationality Jokes Food Jokes Restaurant Jokes

I want me a big black girl...
the type of woman that sits in the car and it looks like it's got tinted windows.

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Nationality Jokes Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Black People Jokes

Q: What's white and 14 inches long?
A: Absolutely nothing.

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Nationality Jokes

Why Do Scotsmen Wear Kilts?
Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
A: Because the sound of zippers scare the sheep away.

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Nationality Jokes

As is tradition in Italian families, Marol spends her wedding night in her family home. Her mother sleeps in the adjacent room in case Marol has any questions. Mama tells Marol, "You have any a problem, you come and see Mama."
Later, Marol's husband unbuttons his shirt, and Marol jumps up, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has hair all over his chest!"
Mama reassures Marol, "Men have hair on the chest. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."
But when Marol's husband takes off his belt, she goes jumps up again, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has a protrusion in his pants!"
Mama reassures her, "He finds you beautiful. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."
Finally, Marol's husband takes off his shoes. Due to a terrible childhood accident, he only has half of his right foot. Marol jumps up and runs back to her mother's room, shouting, "Mama, Mama! He has a foot and a half!"
Her mother gets up and announces, "Stand back, Marol - this is a job for Mama!"

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Nationality Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Wedding jokes

Vat Vas Dat Agin?
Helga hangs the wash out to dry, then goes downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness, iss hot," she says as the sun beats down on her. She passes by a tavern and says, "Vy nought?" So she sits at the bar.
"Bartender," she says. "I vill have unt cold вееr, please."
The bartender asks, "Anheuser Busch?"
"Vell, fine, tanks," she says, "Just ah leetle svetty."

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Nationality Jokes Beer Jokes

A Jewish guy's mother gives him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visits her, he makes sure to wear one.
As he walks into the house, his mother frowns and asks, "What - you didn't like the other one?"

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Nationality Jokes

We have so many nationalities.
It's gotten to the point now that you can go into any fast food place, and you can find out what kind of neighborhood you're in just by the ethnic group that works there. It's like, if Chinese people work there, you're in a Chinese neighborhood; if black people work there, you're in a black neighborhood; if white people work there, then you're in Utah.

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Nationality Jokes Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

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