Newest jokes - Page 295

Q: What's the difference between a реnis and a paycheck?
A: You don't have to beg your wife to вlоw your paycheck.

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A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."
The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."

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Money jokes Veterinarian Jokes Dog jokes

I don't have a lot of sеx, man.
I really don't 'cause there are lot of obligations that come with sеx... like paying people's rent. It's too expensive.

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Money jokes

When they show you those starving kid commercials, why do they have to show you the starvingest kid they can find?
You know, they have to show you a kid on the side of the road, with flies on it. 'Cause I'm sitting there, I'm thinking, 'I wouldn't go send but five dollars. It takes three days for the mail to get there. By the time my five dollars gets there, that kid's gonna be dead. Show me a kid that's got five or six months left, I can work with him.'

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Money jokes

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his реnis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will вlоw these days."

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

A man walks into a pharmacy and tells the salesgirl that he's looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him to the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton ваlls on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"
"You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she."

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

Q: What did one penny say to the other penny?
A: "Let's get together and make some cents."

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Money jokes

Once there was a farmer with three sons. He gave a duck to his eldest son and told him to see how much money he could get for it at the market. The eldest son came back later in the day, shouting "Dad, I got $10 for the duck!"
The farmer said "Well done, son."
The next day, the farmer sent the middle son to the market with a duck and he came back with $20. "Well done, son," said the farmer.
He then sent the youngest son to the market to see how much he could get for the duck. On the way to the market, the son met a рrоsтiтuте.
"I'll give you a f**k if you give me that duck," said the рrоsтiтuте. After they did it, the рrоsтiтuте said, "That was so good, I'll give you the duck back if you f**k me again." He did, and then he went on to the market.
On the way, the duck flew out of his arms and was run over by a truck. The truck driver jumped out of the cab and said "Oh no, I'm so sorry! Here's $50 to pay for it."
The youngest son went back to the farm and said to his father, "Hey, Dad! I got a f**k for a duck, a duck for a f**k, and $50 bucks for a f**ked up duck."

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Money jokes

Q: Why did the perv go into Victoria's Secret?
A: The раnтiеs were half off.

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Money jokes

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sеxuаl sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional, schmectional. All I want is an occasional piece in the living room."

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Money jokes

Q: What has six ваlls and rips you off daily?
A: The lottery.

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Money jokes

Q: What are six inches long and irresistible to women?
A: Dollar bills.

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Money jokes

Q: What does sеx have in common with a savings account?
A: You lose interest once you make a withdrawal.

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Money jokes

A father and son were on a fishing trip when the dad pulled out a вееr.
"Can I have one, Dad?"
"Can your d**k touch your a**hole?"
"No."
"Then you can't have one." The dad took out a cigarette.
"Dad, can I smoke one, too?"
"Can your d**k touch your a**hole?"
"No."
"Then you can't have one."
On the way back, the dad bought two lottery tickets, one for his son and one for him. The dad won two dollars and the son won $500. The dad was surprised and a bit jealous.
"You're going to share that with me, aren't you, son?"
"Can your d**k touch your a**hole?"
"Yes."
"Then go f**k yourself."

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Money jokes Beer Jokes

My mom was the kind that'd send us to church but didn't go...
She'd give us scripture and didn't even know it. She just made up books. ''Cause in the Book of Ricky, it says you should give your mama five percent of your gross income.'

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Money jokes

Even Mother Nature has enough sense to stay out of the projects.
You know your neighborhood is bad when the weather don't want to come to it.

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Money jokes

Q: Two coins add up to thirty cents, and one of them is not a nickel. What are they?
A: A quarter and a nickel. Only one of them is not a nickel.

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Money jokes

A hоокеr brings a client to her condo on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago. The client asks her if she gives good hand jobs.
"You see this condo? I bought it by giving good hand jobs."
Her client tells her to give him a hand job. Afterwards, he is impressed and asks her if she gives good вlоw jobs.
"Look out the window. See that red Ferrari on the street? I bought it by giving good вlоw jobs."
Her client asks her to give him a вlоw job. Afterwards, he is really impressed and asks her if she is good in bed.
"Look out the window. See that big yacht out there on Lake Michigan? I could own that if only I had a vаginа."

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Money jokes

The Cost of Pleasure:
Cover charge: $15
Round of drinks: $23
Table dance: $30
A round of shots: $34
Private dance in your hotel room: $300
Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: priceless.

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Money jokes Hotel Jokes Military Jokes

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being sтuрid.
Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime - Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's вiggеr?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

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Money jokes Little Johnny Jokes Stupid Jokes

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