Newest jokes - Page 663

11) I'm spiking the punch at the reception. That'll liven things up!
10) Hey! Did I just see the dead guy move?
9) Hey, this is the first time Grandpa's been stiff in twenty years!
8) The sonofabitch is lucky he's dead. He still owes me twenty bucks!
7) (to children) Be quiet or we'll bury you with him.
6) I'll trade you the clock I inherited for the golf clubs you inherited.
5) I don't really know him/her. I'm just here for the free food afterwards.
4) It's about time. I was getting sick of her whining.
3) Is this service over yet? I'm gonna miss the hockey game.
2) (to Pastor performing service) So, this is what your God does, eh? Кill people and break up families? Tell me... Why do you continue to worship him? He sounds like an a**hole.
1) (to widow) Well, you're officially single now. Whatcha doin' Friday night?

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Bill Gates was drafted and sent to boot camp.
At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets.
He fired several shots at the target.
The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
Bill Gates looked at his rifle, and then at the target.
He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again.
He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.
The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Computer Jokes

Teacher: Daniel, I’ve had to send you to the principal every day this week.
What do you have to say for yourself?
Daniel: I’m glad it’s Friday!

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School Jokes

You're not alone.
Sometimes, even Usain Bolt feels like he's running in circles.

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Sports Jokes

Am I the only person who blames global warming entirely on the Amish? Are they not a constant reminder of how awful life would be without all this great technology? Every time I want to cut back and conserve on natural resources, I just look at the Amish and I'm like, 'F**k that.'

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Technology Jokes Insult Jokes

A guy says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Every time I fаrт, it sounds like, "Honda."
The doctor says, "You say, 'Honda?'"
"No," the guy says. "My farts do."
So, the doctor says, "OK, open your mouth," and looks inside.
After about two minutes, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, I can't help you, you need to go see a dentist."
The guy says, "Why a dentist?"
The doctor says, "Because you have an absessed tooth."
The guy says, "What the hеll does that have to do with my condition?"
The doctor says, "Well, didn't you know? Absess makes the farts go Honda!"

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Gross Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Fart Jokes Dentist Jokes

When Chuck Norris steals a car he forces it to start.

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Car and driving jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells off the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself.
After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter.
"I'm here for the paint job," she said.
"Alright," said the man.
"Here is the paint and your brush.
I want you to paint my porch behind the house."
The blonde immediately went to work painting.
Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coat.
After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay.
She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a Porsche out back.
It's a new BMW.

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Office and Work Jokes Blonde Jokes Men jokes BMW jokes

ONEA married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. Thewife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear." TWO Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." the second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You duммy, it's me!" THREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"FOUR A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." FIVE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" SIX A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."
"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth." SEVEN Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the сriме. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K_9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K_9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

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Blonde Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Police Officer Jokes Cheating Jokes Dog jokes

Three Vicars and their wives are all killed in the same accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St Peter tells the first Vicar: “You’ll have to go through Purgatory first - I know you’re a vicar, but you loved вооzе. That’s why you married a woman named Brandy.” So they go off, and St Peter tells the second vicar: “You’ll have to go through Purgatory first - I know you’re a vicar, but you loved money. That’s why you married a woman named Penny.” When they go, St Peter tells the third vicar: “You’ll have to go through Purgatory first…” The third vicar replies: “I know,” turns to his wife and says: “Come on, Fаnny.”

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Jokes about Women Religion jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Q: Why do women wear black underwear?
A: They are mourning for the stiff they buried the night before.

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes

Q: What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.

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One-Liner Jokes Blonde Jokes

For all those, who wear masks when they're alone in the car: the new outdoor safety belt is available

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Coronavirus Jokes

Someone who gets crushed to death shopping on Black Friday, aka a Walmartyr.

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One-Liner Jokes Friday jokes

MY MONDAY MORNING FACE

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One-Liner Jokes Monday jokes

Whats the difference between cutting onions and cutting babies? When cut onions I cry

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Dark Humor Jokes What's The Difference Jokes

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry, and was not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Easter!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom, you'll be home in no time."

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Christmas Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Easter Jokes

My wife broke up with me recently because I’m a compulsive gambler. All I can think about is how to win her back.

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Relationship Jokes Bad Habits Jokes

Prince Charles was driving around his mother’s estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.
He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.
The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground.
He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared.
“You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, ” said the Genie”
As a reward I shall grant you one wish.”
“Well, ” said the Prince, “I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog.”
They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.
“Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me..?” the Prince asked.
The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.
“This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.
Is there something else you would like..?”
The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.
“I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana, ” said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo.
“But now I love this woman called Camilla, ” and he showed the genie the second photo.
“You see Camilla isn’t beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana..?”
The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, “Let’s have another look at that frickin’ dog”

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Ugly Jokes Dog jokes

Ollie walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, “What happened to your ears?” …
…
Ollie says, “Yesterday I vas ironing a shirt ven da phone rang and I accidentally answered da iron.” …
….
The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”
Ollie says, “I tried ta call da doctor.”

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Stupid Jokes Boss Jokes

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