Latest Jokes

I HAVE A LITTLE SATNAV
IT SITS THERE IN MY CAR
A SATNAV IS A DRIVERS FRIEND
IT TELLS YOU WHERE YOU ARE.
I HAVE A LITTLE SATNAV
I’VE HAD IT ALL MY LIFE
IT’S BETTER THAN THE NORMAL ONES
MY SATNAV IS MY WIFE.
IT GIVES ME FULL INSTRUCTIONS
ESPECIALLY HOW TO DRIVE
“IT’S THIRTY MILES AN HOUR”,  IT SAYS
YOU’RE DOING THIRTY FIVE.
IT TELLS ME WHEN TO STOP AND START
AND WHEN TO USE THE BRAKE
AND TELLS ME THAT IT’S NEVER, EVER
SAFE TO OVERTAKE.
IT TELLS ME WHEN A LIGHT IS RED
AND WHEN IT GOES TO GREEN
IT SEEMS TO KNOW INSTINCTIVELY
JUST WHEN TO INTERVENE.
IT LISTS THE VEHICLES JUST IN FRONT
AND ALL THOSE TO THE REAR
AND TAKING THIS INTO ACCOUNT
IT SPECIFIES MY GEAR.
I’M SURE NO OTHER DRIVER
HAS SO HELPFUL A DEVICE
FOR WHEN WE LEAVE AND LOCK THE CAR
IT STILL GIVES IT’S ADVICE.
IT FILLS ME UP WITH COUNSELLING
EACH JOURNEY’S PRETTY FRAUGHT
SO WHY DON’T I EXCHANGE IT
AND GET A QUIETER SORT?
AH WELL. YOU SEE, IT CLEANS THE HOUSE
MAKES SURE I’M PROPERLY FED
IT WASHES ALL MY SHIRTS AND THINGS
AND KEEPS ME WARM IN BED.
DESPITE ALL THESE ADVANTAGES
AND MY TENDENCY TO SCOFF
I ONLY WISH THAT NOW AND THEN
I COULD TURN THE ВUGGЕR OFF !
Friendship Jokes Funny Poems
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie
Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan’s Radio City Music Hall
for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was “My Favorite Things” from
the legendary movie “Sound Of Music.”
Here are the lyrics she used:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
(Ms.  Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted
over four minutes and repeated encores.)
Food Jokes Funny Poems
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L -S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far аss kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S -I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+ 9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,
It’s the Вullshiт and Аss Kissing
That will put you over the top.
Office and Work Jokes Math Jokes Philosophy Jokes
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John’s wife died suddenly.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said:
“I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.”
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said:
“Неll no! Fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad сrаск in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got вiggеr and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The dамn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle…”.
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