Latest Jokes

A little old lady answered her doorbell and saw a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!”
As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open.
“Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma’am, I will personally eat the remainder.”
The old lady stepped back and said, “Well I hope you’ve got a dамnеd good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
Търговски пътник прави реклама на прахосмукачка: Седи си една жена у дома е на вратата се чука. Βιάστηκε... Пътуващ продавач на прахосмукачки позвънил на вратата на първата къща в новата си територия. Отворила му жена, но преди да успее да каже нещо, той се втурнал вътре и изсипал купчина конска тор на килима. A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the First house of the street. A tall lady answered the door. Geht ein Staubsaugervertreter auf den Bauernhof. Er schüttet einen Sack Staub aus und sagt: "Alles was mein Staubsauger nicht aufsaugt, esse ich. Daraufhin die Bäuerin: "Ich hole Ihnen einen Löffel, wir haben nämlich gerade keinen Strom." En ung dammsugarförsäljare var ute på säljresa i obygden. Han kom fram till ett gammalt torp, knackade på och blev insläppt av en gammal kvinna. Försäljaren hällde ut en påse med damm på golvet och... Uma dona de casa, num vilarejo, ao atender as palmas em sua porta... — Ô de casa, tô entrando! Ela se depara com um homem que vai entrando em sua casa e joga esterco de cavalo em seu tapete da... Do mieszkania Kowalskiej wtargnął akwizytor sprzedający odkurzacze. Rzucił na dywan śmieci, papierki, resztki jedzenia i mówi: - Zjem każdą rzecz, której nie wciągnie ten rewelacyjny odkurzacz. -... K Novákům přijde prodavač vysavačů. Na zem vysype spoustu odpadků a říká: „Všechno, co ten vysavač nevysaje, sním.” „Tak to vám přeji dobrou chuť, od včerejška nám nejde proud.” Egy porszívóügynök betolakodik egy házba, és a háziasszony minden tiltakozása ellenére nagy rakás száraz lócitromot szór a szoba közepére. A nő felháborodik: - Mit képzel? - Asszonyom, ígérem, amit... Er komt een vertegenwoordiger in stofzuigers langs bij een boerderij. Hij belt aan, de boerin doet open. De vertegenwoordiger begint te praten: 'Dag mevrouw, ik ben vertegenwoordiger van hele goede... Llaman a la puerta,y abren Vendedor:la apeteria la nueva aspiradora 3000? Dueño de la casa:mmm,no se... Vendedor:intente aspirar esa ****,si no lo consigue me la como Dueño de la casa:pues espero q... Un promotore di una certa firma va in giro a cercar di vendere il nuovo prodotto... Un aspirapolvere miracoloso. Arriva davanti ad una casa, bussa alla porta e gli apre una vecchietta; il promotore... Dolazi prodavač usisavača kod babe na vrata, - "Evo imamo nove...." - "Nemam ja novaca za to sinko!" - "Ma molim Vas samo mala demonstracija." Uđe on i iz vreće istrese hrpu smeća babi na tepih. -... A little old lady answered a knock on the door to be greeted by a vacuum cleaner salesman. ‘fuck off im busy she said’ closing the door! ‘wait’ he says holding the door open whilst tipping a bucket... To get a massive and immediate attention from a buyer, the Vacuum Cleaner salesman opens a bag of horse manure and spreads it all over the carpet. Then he says to the possible buyer with...
Money jokes Men jokes Sexist Jokes
Sarcasm Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes
I HAVE A LITTLE SATNAV
IT SITS THERE IN MY CAR
A SATNAV IS A DRIVERS FRIEND
IT TELLS YOU WHERE YOU ARE.
I HAVE A LITTLE SATNAV
I’VE HAD IT ALL MY LIFE
IT’S BETTER THAN THE NORMAL ONES
MY SATNAV IS MY WIFE.
IT GIVES ME FULL INSTRUCTIONS
ESPECIALLY HOW TO DRIVE
“IT’S THIRTY MILES AN HOUR”,  IT SAYS
YOU’RE DOING THIRTY FIVE.
IT TELLS ME WHEN TO STOP AND START
AND WHEN TO USE THE BRAKE
AND TELLS ME THAT IT’S NEVER, EVER
SAFE TO OVERTAKE.
IT TELLS ME WHEN A LIGHT IS RED
AND WHEN IT GOES TO GREEN
IT SEEMS TO KNOW INSTINCTIVELY
JUST WHEN TO INTERVENE.
IT LISTS THE VEHICLES JUST IN FRONT
AND ALL THOSE TO THE REAR
AND TAKING THIS INTO ACCOUNT
IT SPECIFIES MY GEAR.
I’M SURE NO OTHER DRIVER
HAS SO HELPFUL A DEVICE
FOR WHEN WE LEAVE AND LOCK THE CAR
IT STILL GIVES IT’S ADVICE.
IT FILLS ME UP WITH COUNSELLING
EACH JOURNEY’S PRETTY FRAUGHT
SO WHY DON’T I EXCHANGE IT
AND GET A QUIETER SORT?
AH WELL. YOU SEE, IT CLEANS THE HOUSE
MAKES SURE I’M PROPERLY FED
IT WASHES ALL MY SHIRTS AND THINGS
AND KEEPS ME WARM IN BED.
DESPITE ALL THESE ADVANTAGES
AND MY TENDENCY TO SCOFF
I ONLY WISH THAT NOW AND THEN
I COULD TURN THE ВUGGЕR OFF !
Friendship Jokes Funny Poems
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie
Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan’s Radio City Music Hall
for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was “My Favorite Things” from
the legendary movie “Sound Of Music.”
Here are the lyrics she used:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
(Ms.  Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted
over four minutes and repeated encores.)
Food Jokes Funny Poems
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L -S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far аss kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S -I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+ 9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,
It’s the Вullshiт and Аss Kissing
That will put you over the top.
Office and Work Jokes Math Jokes Philosophy Jokes