Newest jokes - Page 710

Three holy men rode a plane home.
There was a terrorist on board who of the firm belief that the world should end.
Who should talk him out of it.
The pilot and his crew gave up and believed the holy men should live.
In the remains was a burnt soccer ball labeled flame retardant.
And a melted black box.
The holy men still live to tell the tale.
And so does the football.

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Religion jokes Men jokes Terrorist jokes Soccer Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Aviation Jokes Pilot Jokes

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble.
His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.
He's so desperate he decides to ask God for help.
He begins to pray...
"God, please help me.
I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.
Joe again prays...
"God, please let me win the lottery!
I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.
Once again, he prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken me??
I've lost my business, my house, and my car.
My wife and children are starving.
I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you.
PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:
"Joe, meet Me halfway on this.
Buy a ticket."

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Money jokes God Jokes

A black woman was filling out forms at the welfare office.
Under "Number of children," she wrote "10," and where it said "List names of children," she wrote "Leroy."
When she handed in the form, the woman behind the desk pointed out:
"Now here where it says "List names of children," you're supposed to write the names of each one of your children."
"Dey all named Leroy," said the black woman.
"That's very unusual. When you call them, how do they know which one you want?" asked the welfare worker.
"Oh, den I uses the last names."

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Black People Jokes

This old man and woman were on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat it read:
"Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her very most private part was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000 ...please advise."
So the old man faxed back:
"Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap..."

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Old People Jokes Military Jokes

Q: How do you be pro in clash royale?
A: Use rocket and rage spell ladies.

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Jokes about Women Geek jokes

Q: What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with?
A: Why, shortbread of course!

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Food Jokes

A black boy comes home from school, looking sad. His mother asks him if anything happened at school. The boy replies that they had a math test, and that the white boys solved almost all their problems, while he got almost all of his problems wrong. Is this because he is sтuрid, the boy wonders. His mother replies that it's not because of stupidity, it's because he is disadvantaged.

The boy doesn't get what this means, but is satisfied anyway.

A few days later the boy comes home with the same problem yet again. This time it was an english test, and he had almost every question wrong, while the white boys had almost every question right. Again, his mother explains that this is a result of him being disadvantaged.

He is satisfied with this answer and goes on his way.

Yet a few more days pass, and the black boy comes home one day with a beaming smile. His mother asks what happened at school to get him in such a fine mood, and the boy answers that all of the boys measured their penises in the locker room after gym class. All the white boys had really small penises, while his was huge. Was this also a product of him being disadvantaged?

His mother answers: "Nooo son, that's because all the little white boys are seven, and you are thirty-five!!"

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Black People Jokes School Jokes Fitness jokes

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Jokes

- I gave you life, love, clothes, studies, education. What else did you expect from me?!

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Jokes about Women

This is how my week goes. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, FridaySaturdaySunday.

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One-Liner Jokes Monday jokes Friday jokes

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)
8. Quote from the Boss:
"Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying:
"This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)
13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, she showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired – and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words, which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned, and in accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Веll Corporation)

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Friday jokes Monday jokes Cheating Jokes Boss Jokes

I DON'T THINK THERE WILL BE ENOUGH COFFEE OR MIDDLE FINGERS FOR THIS MONDAY!

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One-Liner Jokes Monday jokes Coffee Jokes

Happy Monday Morning

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One-Liner Jokes Monday jokes

Whats the difference between a black Jew and white Jew?
The black Jew has to sit in the back of the gas chamber.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Black People Jokes What's The Difference Jokes White people jokes

What is the lightest thing in the world?
A реnis…even a thought can raise it.

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Jokes

My new favorite holiday is Easter because I celebrated a little differently this year. I had an egg hunt -- in my wомв. It was great. A lot of people came.

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Dirty jokes Easter Jokes

Every Easter our church stages an elaborate pageant. Last year the man who played Pontius Pilate had to work on the night of the dress rehearsal, and a chorus member substituted for him.

As we began rehearsing Pilate’s solo, the conductor stopped the orchestra. “Pilate, I don’t hear you,” he called out. “You’re not loud enough.”

“Pilate is at work,” a voice on the stage shouted back. “We’ve got our co-Pilate tonight.”

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Easter Jokes

Your mama is sooo fат when she swam in the Atlantic Ocean for 2 minutes, Europe claimed her as a country.

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Fat Jokes Europe and European Union Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

One day, a blonde wanted to travel from America to Europe. She rang a Travel agent to ask how long it would take. Blonde: How long does take to travel to Europe from America?
Travel agent: just a minute,
Blonde: Thanks *hangs up phone*

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Blonde Jokes USA Jokes Europe and European Union Jokes

A dad hires a clown for his kid’s 7th birthday party.
The clown whose drunк gets up in front of the kids, puts his hand in his pocket and says “Right, if you kids can guess what I’ve got in my pocket you win it as a prize”
“Is it a sweet mister?”-
“No it isn’t a sweet”
“Is it a toy mister?” -
“No it’s not a toy either”
“Is it money mister?” - “No it isn’t money”
What is it then?
“IT’S MY СОСК!” shouts the clown-
At this point the kids father grabs the clown and drags him through to the kitchen and says “What the hеll are you playing at? These kids are only 7 years old”
Clown says “Look I’m really sorry- I usually do an adult act and I’m a bit hungover today and accidentally went into the wrong routine- it won’t happen again”
Dad says “It better not or I’ll phone the police- now get back through there and entertain the kids”
Clown gets back up on stage and says “OK kids, lets start again if any of you can guess what I’m holding in my pocket you win it as a prize”
“Is it a sweet mister?”-
“No it’s not a sweet”
“Is it a toy mister?” -
“No it isn’t a toy”
“Is it money mister?” -
“No it isn’t money”
“What is it then?”………….
Clown looks at the father and says “You better phone the police”

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