if (!string.IsNullOrEmpty(Model.PrevPageFullUrl))
{
}
if (!string.IsNullOrEmpty(Model.NextPageFullUrl))
{
}
Newest jokes - Page 710
Skip to main content
Three guys are sitting in a sauna: a Mexican, an Asian, and a white guy. The Mexican and white guy are showing off their new tech gadgets. The white guy says, "Hey, look what I got: the new Google Glass!" The Mexican & Asian say, "Wow, that's nice, man." Then the Mexican guy says, "Check out my new cellphone; it's a watch!" The white guy and Asian say, "Very cool, dude." The Asian guy has nothing to show these guys, so he gets up and walks away nакеd to to the bathroom. Then he comes back 5 minutes later from the bathroom still nакеd with paper hanging out of his вuтт сrаск. The Mexican and white guy say, "Hey, you have something hanging out of your аss." The Asian guy says, "Oh look, I'm receiving a Fax!"
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor. Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy? A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home. On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms. How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops,looks up, and says, "Where?" A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.
A black boy comes home from school, looking sad. His mother asks him if anything happened at school. The boy replies that they had a math test, and that the white boys solved almost all their problems, while he got almost all of his problems wrong. Is this because he is sтuрid, the boy wonders. His mother replies that it's not because of stupidity, it's because he is disadvantaged.
The boy doesn't get what this means, but is satisfied anyway.
A few days later the boy comes home with the same problem yet again. This time it was an english test, and he had almost every question wrong, while the white boys had almost every question right. Again, his mother explains that this is a result of him being disadvantaged.
He is satisfied with this answer and goes on his way.
Yet a few more days pass, and the black boy comes home one day with a beaming smile. His mother asks what happened at school to get him in such a fine mood, and the boy answers that all of the boys measured their penises in the locker room after gym class. All the white boys had really small penises, while his was huge. Was this also a product of him being disadvantaged?
His mother answers: "Nooo son, that's because all the little white boys are seven, and you are thirty-five!!"
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)
8. Quote from the Boss:
"Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying:
"This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)
13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, she showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired – and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words, which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned, and in accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Веll Corporation)