Newest jokes - Page 711

I’m leaving you... You’re constantly sneering at my overweight...
But honey, what about our kid?
What kid?
So you are not you pregnant?!

29 0

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers yet.
"Yes, teacher," he said, "my dad taught me."
"Good, Johnny.
Tell me what comes after two," the teacher said.
"Three," replied little Johnny.
"Very good.
What comes after five, Johnny?" asked the teacher.
"Six," answered little Johnny.
"Excellent.
Your dad did a very good job.
Now, what comes after ten?" the teacher asked.
"A Jack!" replied little Johnny.

30 0

Little Johnny Jokes Dad Jokes School Jokes

Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.
Bert said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone."
George echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore."
Little Johnny sighed, "I wish it was dark..."

28 0

Little Johnny Jokes Animal Jokes

Husband: Everytime I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet seat...
Husband: How does it help
Wife: I use your toothbrush!

28 0

Marriage and Family Jokes

A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed.
She got out of bed and checked around the house, and heard sobbing from the basement.
After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.
"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released tonight."

28 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Prison Jokes

The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants - one of which would get the job.
The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York.
A nice young man, but a bit timid.
Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!"
Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself.
"He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him.
He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.
Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education."
Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?"
"Oh," replied Jim " at Yale."
"That's very good, excellent. You're hired! Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?"
Jim answered "I don't care. Yimi or Mr. Yonson."

29 0

Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Banker Jokes Boss Jokes

Men are like.....Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw they lose interest.

30 0

Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Banker Jokes

A guy walks in the local whоrеhоusе, says "I want the cheapest one you got, I don't have much money."
The guy behind the counter says "How bout the $1.95 cent special?"
The customer says "ok", and he paid, headed to the room.
When he opened the door, he found this beautiful broad spread out, just waiting for him.
He rips off his clothes and starts going to town on her.
Suddenly, all this white stuff starts coming out of her mouth, nose, ears.
He freaked, "омg she's sick."
He ran to the desk and told the guy what was happe ning, and the guy says "hey Joe! The dead one's full again!"

28 0

Money jokes Gross Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Dirty jokes Customer service jokes

Q: Why were the Indians here first?
A: They had reservations.

0 0

Nationality Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes

A Polish man, a German guy, and an American dude, climb a mountain because they each want to make a wish from the genie on the top. When they make it to the top, they find the lamp and all rub it. The genie appears and says, "For your wish to be granted, you must yell it out while you are jumping off of this mountain." So the German jumps off and yells, "I wish to be a fighter plane!"
"So be it," the genie says, and the German becomes a plane. The American jumps off and yells, "I wish to be an eagle!"
"So be it," the genie says, and the American becomes an eagle and flies away. The Polish man runs to the edge, accidentally trips on a rock, and yells, "I wish to b- oh S**t!"

0 0

Nationality Jokes Men jokes American Jokes

Getting your аss kicked by Chuck Norris?
The only good news is you know when you will die.

25 0

News and Politics Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Chuck Norris never reads the News – because Chuck Norris IS the News.

28 0

News and Politics Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Communication Jokes

Some of these drinks will knock you out. I was drinking that Sеx on the Beach last night, had about six of them. Woke up this morning with sand in the сrаск of my аss.

0 0

Sex Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

Being pulled over is no joke. It's scary, but you know what's even worse? Being a passenger in your friend's car when they get pulled over. That's when you start finding out the things about your best friend you never knew existed. 'Dамn! Dамn! This car is not even registered. I got a handgun in the glove box, сосаinе under your seat. I'm wearing a wig, and we've got a dead body in the trunk.'

0 0

Friendship Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

Everytime a someone tells me my jokes are funny, I say, "Thanks! I got more lines than Whitney Huston's coffee table.".

22 0

Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Coffee Jokes

How come the village Guy Fawkes won the Nobel Peace Prize?
Cause he was outstanding in his field.

30 0

Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes.
After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down.
Then she said, "First Question was which tire was flat?"

64 0

School Jokes Car and driving jokes

It doesn't matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning's winning.
(The Fast and The Furious)
It doesn't matter if you pass the semester by getting 40% or 95%.
Passing's passing.

29 0

School Jokes

Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store.
While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it.
“What’s this little pocket thing here on the side for?”
“Oh, that’s to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you’ve jogged too far.”

26 0

Old People Jokes Sports Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

27 0

Sports Jokes Banker Jokes

Latest Jokes