Newest jokes - Page 792

Four nuns are in line to go into heaven. God asks the first nun if she has ever sinned. She says, "Well, I've seen a реnis." So God puts holy water on her eyes and lets her enter. He asks the second nun the same thing and she says, "I've held a реnis," so he puts holy water on her hands and lets her enter. Then the fourth nun skips the third nun in line and God asks why she did that. The 4th nun replies, "Well, I need to gargle it before she sits in it."

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Brrr! My hands are cold.
Can I warm them in your heaving вrеаsтs?

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Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Men jokes Flirt jokes

Work emails are like the gym.
You sign up for it thinking it will be loads of fun.
You get bored of it within hours.
You only keep going to keep up your reputation.
The more you stay away, the harder it is to go back.

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Office and Work Jokes Communication Jokes Fitness jokes

A young nun went to inform the Mother Superior that she was pregnant.
Mother Superior was furious. She said how did this happen?
The young nun said Reverend Mother It was Father O'Malley from the catholic church up the road, and he lifted his cassock and showed me this thing which looked like a baby's arm holding a plum, and said it was Sаinт Peter, then he lifted my habit and pointed at my lady thing that looks like a cockerell's сhin, and told me that it was the Gates of Heaven, and that Sаinт Peter needed to come into the gates of heaven to make me a good Christian. And I believed him..
Reverend Mother was furious.
She said the lousy rotten ваsтаrd!.. He told me it was the Archangel Gabriel's horn and I have been blowing it every Sunday for 20 years!

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Religion jokes

An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.
She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as:
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say,
‘I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names’.
The elderly lady hung her head.
‘I have to tell you the truth,’
she said, ‘his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old аsshоlе what his name is.’

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Old People Jokes

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Do you remember, before the internet, that it was thought that the cause of collective stupidity was the lack of access to information?
Well ... it wasn't that

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Jokes

When you are having a dispute with the neighbour ..

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Jokes

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous еrестiоn,
but his wife was already up & preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up,
so he grabbed his cell phone and sent a text to his wife:
“The tent pole is up,
the canvas is spread.
The hеll with breakfast,
come back to bed.”
The wife answered the text:
“Take the tent pole down,
put the canvas away.
The monkeys exhausted.
No circus today.”
So he sent another text:
“The tent poles still up
and the canvas still spread,
so drop what you’re doing
and get in this bed.”
To which she sent a text back:
“I know that your poles
the best in the land,
but I’m busy right now,
so do it by hand!!..

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Dirty jokes

Always buy more alcohol than you think you will need.Better to be safe than sober

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

An elderly lady was somewhat lonely and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop, she went. She searched, and nothing seemed to catch her interest except this one ugly frog.
As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, “I’m lonely too, buy me and you won’t be sorry.” The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn’t found anything else.
So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road, the frog whispered to her, “Kiss me, you won’t be sorry.” So, the old lady figured what the heck and kissed the frog.
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sеxy, handsome young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?
The first motel she could find...She’s old, not dead!

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Old People Jokes

My wife as left me after i blew all our savings on a реnis extension,she's left me a note saying,"She can't take it any longer!!

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Dirty jokes

Husband finishes reading the book "Be the MAN of your House" and says to his wife:
"From now on my word is LAW. You WILL prepare me a gourmet meal tonight with a scrumptious dessert. Afterwards we will have the kind of sеx I want. You will then bathe me as I relax, towel dry me, then massage my feet & back. Then Tomorrow, Guess who will dress me & comb my hair??"
Wife says:
"The Funeral Director would be my 1st guess".

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Marriage and Family Jokes

My mate said he’s just bought his wife a 24 carat gold viвrатоr for her birthday...
He must be going soft in his old age...

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Dirty jokes

Маsтurватiоn is a touchy subject.
But оrаl sеx is a matter of taste.

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Masturbation jokes

I wish Facebook would let you laugh at a Friend request ..

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Facebook Jokes

Just got accepted in а p*orn movie roIe.
I'm the husband going to work

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Marriage and Family Jokes

My hobbies include eating and also thinking about the next time I will be eating

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Jokes

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.
So, he hired a famous Chinese detective,
Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any
activities that might develop.
A few days later, he received this report: Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow. He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He sтriр she.
She sтriр he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see. No Fee..

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China Jokes Hotel Jokes

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there' ..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and asked him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. And there is over twenty million dollars in my bank accounts and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.'

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