Newest jokes - Page 798

One day Adam and his parents were at the mall.
Adams mum gave him a $5 note and sent him on his way.
He got a bag of сhiрs and a drink.
He went outside and his mum and dad weren't there.

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes

Q: Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting:
"GIVE US YER LOOT!"
A: They were both blonds.

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Money jokes Blonde Jokes Stupid Jokes

Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A: Juan on Juan.

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Nationality Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Mexican jokes Sports Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Asian jokes

Tequila -- that's what makes you drunк right there; that's what'll get you drunк in the bar. You see, I think that's what the world's divided up into. It's not a man/woman thing or a black/white thing, it's a tequila thing. I think there're people who can drink tequila and there're people who can never hear that word again.

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Jokes about Women Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

I'm like a rubix cube; the more you play with me the harder I get.

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Q:What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
A:Santa stops after three hos.

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After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sеx with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sеx with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my вuтт still hurts."

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These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.
Finally they came up with a foolproof plan.
(emphasis on fool)
They got themselves a very authentic соw moose costume and learned the
mating call of a соw moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call.
Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest.
They called again, the bull answered closer to them.
They called again, The bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
As the bulls' pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him"!
After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts -
"THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!"
The front guy says, "Well, I'm gonna start nibbling grass,
but you better start to "brace yourself!"

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Sports Jokes Jokes about Women Animal Jokes

The email server is unable to verify your server connection.
Your message has not been delivered.
Please restart your computer and try sending again.

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Technology Jokes Office and Work Jokes Computer Jokes Communication Jokes

Three men were in heaven discussing how they died.
The first man said, "I died in a car accident."
The second man said, "I died by drowning."
The third man said, "I died of seenus."
The first two men asked, "Do you mean sinus?"
The third man said, "No, I mean SEENUS. I was out with my best friend’s wife and he seen us!"

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They called him the king of the dentists because he specialized in crowns.

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Office and Work Jokes Dentist Jokes

Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.

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Religion jokes

Teacher:
"If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny:
"Seven."
Teacher:
"No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny:
"Seven."
Teacher:
"Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny:
"Six."
Teacher:
"Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny:
"Seven!"
Teacher:
"Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny:
"Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

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School Jokes

Hi, madam! You have driven a truck during the WW2, haven't you? Well, shit ...

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Brexit Jokes

Her: He is probably thinking of Other women. Him: My dog understands several human words. I don't understand any dog barks. He may be smarter than me.

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Men vs Women Jokes Dog jokes

Chuck Norris was born in a house he build himself.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

What do you call a реnguin in the desert?
Lost!

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Animal Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a toilet and a Kardashian?
A: Nothing! They both accept big brown stinky turds!

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Black People Jokes

There were four people on a plane.
One of them, the Pilot.
The other was the president of the United States –Obama, The oldest man in the world, and a little boy.
The plane was about to crash and the only option for survival was to jump!
But there were only three parachutes.
The Pilot took a parachute and said, "I'm the pilot, so I should get a parachute."
And he jumped off.
Then Obama grabs a and jumps saying, "Since I'm the president, I get one too!"
And he jumps.
The little boy then grabs a parachute and hands it to the old man.
The man declines, saying, "No, boy, take it. I'm too old anyway."
The boy answers, "What? No! Obama took my back-pack!"

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