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Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is a Christian sаinт and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could вlоw the сrар out of him."
QUEEN OFFERS TO RESTORE BRITISH RULE OVER UNITED STATES
In an unexpected televised address on Saturday, Queen Elizabeth II offered to restore British rule over the United States of America. Addressing the American people from her office in Buckingham Palace, the Queen said that she was making the offer “in recognition of the desperate situation you now find yourselves in.”“This two-hundred-and-forty-year experiment in self-rule began with the best of intentions, but I think we can all agree that it didn’t end well,” she said. The Queen urged Americans to write in her name on Election Day, after which the transition to British rule could begin “with a minimum of bother.”Elizabeth acknowledged that, in the wake of Brexit, Americans might justifiably be alarmed about being governed by the British parliamentary system, but she reassured them, “Parliament would play no role in this deal. This would be an old-school monarchy. Just me, and then, assuming you’d rather not have Charles, we could go straight to William and those children of his who have mesmerized you so.”Using the closing moments of her speech to tout her credentials, the Queen made it clear that she has never used e-mail and has only had sеx with one person “very occasionally.”Just in - The Above is Fake News - Following is the actual full text
In the light of your failure to govern yourselves with dignity, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Theresa May, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) has appointed former PM Tony Blair as minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up 'aluminium'. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix 'ise'. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up 'vocabulary'. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up 'interspersed'. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.2. There is no such thing as 'US English'. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'.3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is 'Devon'. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become 'shires' e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as 'Men Behaving Badly' or 'Red Dwarf' will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.5. You should relearn your original national anthem, 'God Save The Queen', but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.6. You should stop playing American 'football'. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American 'football' is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays 'American' football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American 'football', but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2018. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called 'rounders' which is baseball without fancy team sтriр, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any меrdе. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. 'Меrdе' is French for 'Shiт'. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called 'Indecisive Day'.9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are сrар and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.10. You will learn to make real сhiрs. Those things you call French fries are not real сhiрs. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato сhiрs are properly called 'crisps'. Real сhiрs are thick cut and fried in animal fат. The traditional accompaniment to сhiрs is вееr which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling вееr is not actually вееr at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as 'вееr', and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as 'Lager'. The substances formerly known as 'American Вееr' will henceforth be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Knat's Urinе', with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as 'Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urinе'. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.13. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or 'Gasoline' as you will be permitted to keep calling it until July 10 2017) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (- get used to it).14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).Thank you for your cooperation.
How Cold Is Cold?
60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming
35 Italian cars don't start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming
20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 American cars don't start
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start
-25 Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start
-40 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 Неll freezes over, Polar bears move South
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding together on a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the best vоdка out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says:
"In Russia, we have the best vоdка in the world - nowhere in the world, you can find Vоdка as good as the one we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."
Saying this, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it.
All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, unwraps one, lights it, and begins to smoke, saying:
"In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere else in the world produces such a fine cigar, and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..."
Saying that he opens the window and throws the pack of Havanas through it.
Once again, everybody is quite impressed.
At this point, the American stands up silently, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it.
American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn't find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there.
Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said, "Hey you, what are you doing?"
"I have to throw this away," replied the tourist.
"You can't throw it away here. Look, follow me," the policeman offered.
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, "dump all the garbage you want."
The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers.
"Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist.
"No. This is the American Embassy."
Juan was a Mexican man riding his bike to go across the American border. He was holding two bags full of sand on his back. As soon as he got to the border, the guard stopped him and asked what was in the bags.
Juan replies "sand"
The guard told him that they would see about that and took the bags in to inspect them.
He looked through to see if there were drugs, or if they were actually sand, but it was 100 percent sand.
The guard was confused, but knew he had no proof that Juan was doing anything wrong, so he put the sand in new bags, hefted them onto Juan's back and let him cross.
This same thing happened every day for a few months, until one day, 6 months later, Juan didn't come.
After a few weeks, the guard had a day off so he went to a local bar.
He saw Juan sitting on a table on his own drinking вееr, so he went over to him.
"Hey man, I know you're snuggling something in, I just want to know, between you and me, I promise I won't get you into trouble, what are you snuggling?"
Juan looked at him for a second, drank his вееr then said "bicycles".
An American, traveling on a train in Europe, met a Cuban tobacco grower, a Russian vоdка distiller and a lawyer.
While they were talking business, the Cuban took out four cigars and passed them around. After lighting his own cigar, the Cuban took one drag and then threw it out the window, explaining that cigars were of no consequence in his country since there was such an abundance of them.
After dinner, the Russian passed out bottles of vоdка. After taking just one swig, he threw the bottle out the window, explaining that vоdка was of no consequence since, in Russia, it was so plentiful.
The American businessman sat in quiet contemplation for several minutes, then arose... and threw the lawyer out the window.
During the Cold War days, a Russian pilot is captured by the US Army and locked up for interrogation.
US interrogator: "Tell us about the plans of the MiG-50 Fighter!"
Russian pilot: "I don't know" He is beaten up, then he's interrogated again...
US interrogator: "Tell us about the plans of the MiG-50 fighter!"
Russian pilot: "I have no idea about anything, I swear!"
He is beaten up again, then again and again, and finally the Americans get tired of interrogating him, so they let him go back to Russia. In Russia, when he first meets his pilot comrades, he tells them:
"Comrades, learn the MiG-50 plans well, 'cause the Americans almost had me killed for not knowing them!"
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law.
During their vacation in Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died.
With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial.
The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive.
It could cost him as much as $5,000.00.
The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem.
This would only cost him $150.00.
George thinks for some time and answers,
"I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back, that’s what I want to do."
The Consul says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."
"No, it’s not that," says George.
"You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can’t take that chance!"
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."