American Presidents Humor

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One day, a team of blondes and a brunette team took part in a fishing contest. They went to the Frozen Lake and installed from a two different perspectives.
The brunettes were making fish one after another, but the blondes were unlucky.
The blonde team gathered around in a circle and start a discussion about the problem and wanted to find an answer for it.
After two hours they decided to send someone to spy on the other team, so they can find out what the brunettes were doing differently.
The blonde spy goes and hides behind the bushes.
After a while, breathless arrives at her team and screams with joy: "I’ve found it! I’ve found it! We gonna rip them off!"
All the blondes, full of wonder asked her: "Spit it out, what do the brunettes do differently?"
"Whole! They’re opening a whole in the ice!"
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President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist Church outside Washington. Karl Rove made a visit to the Bishop and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's position on stem cell research, the War, and such. I'll gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon, you'd say the President is a sаinт."
The Bishop thinks it over for a few moments and said, "The Church is in desperate need of funds. I will do it."
Bush pompously showed up that following Sunday, looking especially smug, smirking for his photo op, while strutting his way, cowboy-style, into the church.
As the sermon started the Bishop began his homily:
"George Bush is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite as well as a niтwiт. He is a liar, a cheat, probably still a drunк, and a low-intelligence sneaky weasel. He has lied about his military record, and then had the gall to put himself in uniform on a military jet, landing on a carrier, and then posing before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished.'
He invaded a country for oil and money, all the while lying to the American people about the war, with nary a care for the thousands of lives it has taken and continues to take. He is the worst example of a Methodist I've ever personally known or known of. But compared to Diск Cheney, George Bush is a sаinт."
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After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?" The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand and led her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you, Lord. That was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve."And Adam said, "What is 'caress'?" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss!" And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve."And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"
GOD said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me." "Gladly, Lord," replied Adam. "What do you want me to do?" "Go down into the valley." "What's a valley?" asked Adam. God explained to him, then said, Cross the river." "What's a river?" God explained it to him, and then continued, "Go over the... Depois de uns dias, o Senhor chamou Adão e disse: — É tempo de você e Eva começarem o processo de povoar a Terra. Portanto, quero que você a beije. — Sim, Senhor — concorda Adão — Mas o que é um... I begynnelsen skapade Gud Adam. Adam satt och tittade på månen, stjärnorna, himlen, sjöarna, floderna, växterna, djuren och alla andra saker som Gud skapat. Gud kände att Adam behövde lite sällskap... Nadat Adam en Eva een paar dagen op aarde waren, zei God tegen Adam: "Het wordt tijd dat Eva en jij aan het proces gaan beginnen, de aarde van meer bewoners te voorzien, dus begin maar eens met...
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A Guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."
The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar.
The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar.
The octopus' owner pockets the fifty bucks.
The next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo.
The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus' owner.
The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.
He puts them on the bar and says to the guy, "Now if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, and has another look from a different angle.
Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes up and says,
"What are you рissing around for? Hurry up and play the dамn thing!"
The octopus says, "Play it?
If I can figure out how to get it's pajama's off, I'm gonna sсrеw it!"
Октопод кандидатства за работа в цирка: Октоподът кандидатствува за работа в цирка. Можел да свири на всякакви инструменти с неговите много ръце. Директорът го изпитва - свири на пиано, на саксофон, на акордеон, на флейта. Накрая пита: An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman. A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender "give us two beers over here!" The bartender walks over and see's the octopus and he says, "Didn't you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!" The man say's to the bartender, "oh but... Blæksprutten En mand kommer ind i en bar med en blæksprutte. Han fortæller kunderne i baren, at det er en meget talentfuld blæksprutte, der kan spille på et hvilket som helst musikinstrument. De...
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Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency:
"Our largest соndом factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.
"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"
"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.
"I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms as soon as possible to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it,"said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.
"No problem," replied the President.
Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those sтuрid Americans will fall for anything.
George hung up and called the President of a соndом company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the president of the соndом company.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"
"Yeah," said the President, "print 'Made in America, size small' on each one!"
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A bloke walks into a bar in the bush to discover a 44 gallon drum almost overflowing with $20 notes.
He sits at the bar and orders a вееr.
A short while later one of the locals gets up, throws $20 into the drum and walks out the back.
He soon returns shaking his head disgruntled and sits down.
Five more minutes pass when another local does exactly the same.
The bloke asks the bartender what is the go with the drum full of 20's .
The bartender says that they have a donkey out the back that has never laughed in its life.
So you simply throw in the $20 and have a go, if the donkey laughs then the drum and its contents are yours.
Been going ten years so far.
The young bloke gets up, throws his 20 into the drum and proceeds out the back. 
Within seconds the donkey his laughing its head off. 
As he strolls back inside all the locals ask what he did but he won't say and simply takes the drum full of cash and leaves.
10 years goes past and the young bloke decides to pay the pub another visit.
This time he sees a drum overflowing with $50 notes in the middle of the room.
He goes up to the bar tender and asks again what the deal is with the drum.
The bartender says that they have the same donkey still out the back and seeing as he had made it laugh, the deal was you now had to make it cry but it was a 50 not a 20.
The young bloke gets up, throws in his 50 and goes out the back.
About a minute later the donkey is crying his eyes out and the young man returns to the bar.
The locals beg him to tell them how he has done it as it has cost them a fortune attempting it.
The young bloke says that to make him laugh he told the donkey his member was вiggеr than the donkeys.
Everyone sighed and understood how easy that was and why didn't they think of it.
Now they demanded to know what tactic he had used to make the donkey cry so miserably.
The young bloke replied that it was quite simple as well, he just showed it to him.
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