Coffee Jokes

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Прокурорът към обвиняемата: The courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee. The defence attorney knew he had his work... Una mujer estaba en un juicio cuando el fiscal le pregunta: ¿ Después de haber envenenado a su esposo, no le dio remordimiento? Sí, cuando me pidió otro plato de guiso.
Judge and Court Jokes Coffee Jokes
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You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Неll's Angels motorcyclists.
You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
You put both contacts into the same eye.
Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
Nothing you own is actually paid for.
Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.
It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
Medical and Doctor Jokes Coffee Jokes Cyclist Humor
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other.
Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database.
It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up.
"Brad, are you up yet?" asks Mike.
Brad sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Brad, open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"
"Brad, open the paper to page 31 already!"
"All right, don't be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"
"Brad, look at the bottom of column 4."
"Why? What's that story on?"
"Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"
"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues...
Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, "So Mike, where are you calling me from right now?"
Programmer Jokes Friendship Jokes Coffee Jokes
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The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word. Some are terrifically innovative:
a.. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
b.. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly
c.. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding sтuрid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
d.. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
e.. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
f.. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
g.. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
h.. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
i.. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
j.. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious вuммеr.
k.. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
l.. Glibido: All talk and no action.
m.. Dopeler effect: The tendency of sтuрid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
n.. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
o.. Beelzebug (n.): Sатаn in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
p.. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
Coffee Jokes Superhero Jokes
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, “Tsquare, do your stuff.”
T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff.”
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, “Measure, do your stuff.”
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?”
The Government Worker called to his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.”
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, sсrеwеd the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
Инженер, счетоводител, химик и държавен служител започнали спор чий котарак е най-умен. Un ingeniero, un contable, un químico, un informático y un funcionario se vanaglorian por tener cada uno un maravilloso perro. El ingeniero llama a su can: - ¡Raíz cuadrada, enséñanostu talento!... 3 Katzen treffen sich zum gemeinsamen Fressen. Die erste Katze ist die eines Architekten, die zweite die eines Chemikers und die dritte die eines Regisseurs. Alle drei sitzen vor ihren Futternäpfen voller Brekkies. Die Katze des Architekten nimmt die Brekkies, baut damit 4 Wände, zieht einen... Un ingénieur, un comptable, un chimiste, un informaticien et un fonctionnaire se vantaient d'avoir un chien merveilleux. Pour le démontrer, l'ingénieur dit à son chien : - Racine carrée,... 5 τύποι, ένας μηχανικός, ένας λ ογιστής, ένας χημικός, ένας κομπιουτεράς και ένας δημόσιος υπάλληλος καυχιόντουσαν για το πόσο έξυπνα σκυλιά έχουν. Czterech mężczyzn - inżynier, chemik, księgowy oraz pracownik administracji państwowej spierało się czyj pies jest najmądrzejszy. Inżynier zawołał do swojego psa: - Pi, pokaż co umiesz! Pies...
Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Pet Jokes Coffee Jokes
Баща към дъщеря си: Една баба влиза в аптеката. Една баба влегува во аптека и ѝ вели на аптекарката: - Ќерко, дај ми таблети против главоболка! Еве, од овие белите со сината лентичка! - Бабичке тоа се таблети за контрацепција! – Возвраќа... An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.” Taken... Un doctor que había estado viendo a una viejecita de 75 años durante muchos años, se retiró. Cuando la viejita vuelve a su control mensual, el nuevo doctor le pidió que trajera una lista de todas... Una señora compra todos los días una caja de píldoras anticonceptivas. El farmacéutico, sorprendido, le pregunta: - Dígame, señora, ¿para qué necesita tanta cantidad? - Es que las uso para el dolor... Una abuela entró al consultorio del médico. El doctor le preguntó por qué estaba allí, ella respondió: - Me gustaría que recetara píldoras anticonceptivas. Desconcertado, el médico pensó por un... В аптеку заходит пожилая женщина: - Jag förstår inte frun, ni vill ha p-piller som lugnande medel ... Men p-piller har ingen lugnande verkan! - Jodå, det har de visst, doktorn. När min dotter går ut på kvällarna ger jag henne ett...
Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes Old People Jokes Coffee Jokes
A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life.
One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. The others nod and say "Yeah, I'll bet we could do it quicker than you could!"
So they all agree that the next time they meet, they'll share stories about how they were able to convert a bear.
They all end up in the hospital, but the priest is in the best shape of all of them. They decide to meet in the rabbi's room. The priest has his arm in a sling and says, "Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He's coming to mass this Sunday."
The other two clergymen nod in approval, and the preacher goes next. The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He's in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm. He says "Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times. Finally, he came to the faith. He'll be coming to church next Sunday."
Both men turn to the rabbi to hear his story. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He's in a body cast and there's no way he's getting out of bed any time soon. He looks at both men and says "Well, I probably should've started with something different than circumcision...."
Religion jokes Fitness jokes Monday jokes Coffee Jokes Priest Jokes
Blonde Jokes Coffee Jokes
Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes Fat Jokes Ugly Jokes Coffee Jokes
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.
At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.
Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, ".....but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?"
He said, "...Scr*w him...give him a dollar."
The blonde then blushed and said, "....But the breakfast was my idea."
Среќен поштар Retiring Mailman Joe is on his last day at work as a mailman. He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route. One by one the dustmen lined up to shag the blonde at No.25. Finally it's the turn of the driver and the blonde hands him a tenner. "Merry Christmas" she says. "What's this?" he says "you didn't give my mates a tenner." "No" she explained, "it was my husbands idea. When I asked him what we... Finally, it was Ned the Mailman’s last day. As he did his final rounds, he reached the door of the first house and was greeted by a elderly couple who gave him a gift certificate. At the next... I'm a mailman. At Christmas this year, Mrs. Jankowitz met me at the door and invited me in for a great breakfast spread. After I ate, I thanked her and she said, "There's more." She took me to her... Το φιλοδώρημα. Após 35 anos de trabalho, chegou o último dia de Moacir como carteiro. Na primeira casa de sua rota foi recebido com aplausos e presenteado com uma linda camisa. Na segunda, recebeu de presente uma... Listonosz przechodzi na emeryturę. Wszyscy z okolicznych domów postanowili, że będzie on po raz ostatni chodził od domu do domu i tym razem tylko odbierał prezenty za swoją wieloletnią pracę. Puka do pierwszych drzwi... dostaje wspaniałe wyposażenie wędkarskie... promienieje z radości. Puka do... Een postbode gaat met pensioen en krijgt tijdens zijn laatste ronde van veel mensen een afscheidscadeautje ( een fles cognac of bloemen ). Plots komt hij bij een jonge dame en die sleurt hem naar... Az öreg postás már 35 éve hordta ki a küldeményeket nap, mint nap, hóban és szélben éppúgy, mint a legnagyobb forróságban. Lassan elérte a nyugdíj korhatárt, és azok az emberek, akik ismerték és...
Marriage and Family Jokes Blonde Jokes Dirty jokes Coffee Jokes
A woman walks into her sеx thearapist’s office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and the rarely have sеx anymore, and asks what to do about it?
The therapist tells her that she has a new drug called Viаgrа that might do the trick.
She tells the woman to give him one pill that night, and come back in the morning to tell her what happens.
The next day the woman walks in ecstatic telling the therapist the viаgrа worked, and she and her husband had the best sеx ever.
She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills?
The therapist replies she dosn’t know but says to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist tha the sеx was even better than the night before.
She asks the therapist what whould happen if she gave him five pills?
The therapist once again tells her to give it a try.
The following day the woman comes back in LIMP BUT HAPPY, tells the therapist the sеx just keeps getting better and better.
She asks what would happen if she gave him the rest of the bottle?
The therapists tells her its a new drug and she doesn’t know what a full bottle would do to a person.
The woman leaves the office and puts the rest of the pills in her husbands morning coffee.
A week later a boy walks into the therapists office and asks: "Are you the “idiот” who gave my MOTHER a bottle of Viаgrа?"
"Why yes young man I did?"
"Why?"
"Well mom’s dead, my sister’s Pregnant, my A– Hurts, and Dad just sits in the corner going, 'here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty…'”
Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Viagra jokes Dad Jokes Coffee Jokes
Блондинка постъпила на работа в офис. Блондинка вижда термос в колегата си. A Blonde & Her Thermos блондинка приходит в магазин и видит незнакомый предмет: - что это?... Thermoskanne Οι καφέδες Ο θερμός Κρύο και ζεστό Πηγαίνει μια ξανθιά σε μια καφετέρια με ένα θερμός στο χέρι και ρωτάει το μπάρμαν : - Χωράει αυτό το θερμός πέντε καφέδες; - Ναι, της λέει εκείνος. - Ωραία. Βάλε μου τρεις εσπρέσσο, ένα φραπέ με... A loira foi contratada como secretária de um empresa. Já no pirmeiro dia, o chefe pediu para providenciar café para o pessoal. ansiosa por agradar o chefe, ela foi até o bar com a garrafa... Blondynka wchodzi do sklepu i jej uwagę przyciąga błyszczący obiekt na półce, zaciekawiona pyta sprzedawcę: - Co to jest? - Termos - odpowiada sprzedawca. - Do czego służy - pyta znów blondynka. - Pomaga utrzymać gorące rzeczy gorącymi, natomiast zimne zimnymi - objaśnia sprzedawca. Blondynka...
Office and Work Jokes Blonde Jokes Coffee Jokes Boss Jokes