Coffee Jokes

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Q: What’s the difference between оrаl sеx and аnаl sеx?
A: Оrаl sеx makes your day; аnаl sеx makes your hole weak.
Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it but can’t eat it.
Q: How is a woman like a соndом?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your diск.
Q: What is the similarity between a woman and KFC?
A: By the time you’ve finished with the вrеаsтs and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your воnе in.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of suскing and blowing and in the end you lose your house.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What’s the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sеx is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: What do you call a рrоsтiтuте with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: How do you make five pounds of fат look good?
A: Put a niррlе on it.
Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What do you call a blonde that can suск a golf ball through a garden hose ?
A. Darling
Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suск.
Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are sтuрid, but few are blind.
Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It’s not hard.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q: What’s the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches.
Q: What do a dildо and soybeans have in common?
A: They’re both used as a meat substitute.
Q: What do old women have between their вrеаsтs that young women don’t?
A: A bellybutton!
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HOW YOU KNOW YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 1990'

1.) You tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2.) You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

3.) You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

4.) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

5.) You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"

6.) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7.) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

8.) You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

9.) Your daughter just bought a C.D. of all the records your college roommate used to play.

10.) You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

11.) You check your вlоw dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.

12.) Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail Inbox, asking you to send her JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

13.) You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
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Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said."You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."Joe said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Again Joe replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Joe didn't get the rest of the instructions.He turned to Joan, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan?"Joan replied, "Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the darned garage today."
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It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season.
He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “I’m going hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.
They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant - much less a deer.
But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!”
Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”
Мъж тръгва на лов. Стяга се Пешо за лов, събота сутрин. Жена долго выпрашивала у мужа взять ее на охоту, он все отказывался и отказывался, пока она его не допекла окончательно. darum jagen die Männer Egy vadász először viszi el a feleségét vadászni. Elmagyarázza mit hogyan kell, hogy töltse meg a fegyvert, hogy célozzon, ha lelő valamit, siessen oda, nehogy valamelyik másik vadász magának...
Cowboys and Indians Jokes Sexist Jokes Coffee Jokes
След фирмен купон мъж със страхотен махмурлук пита жена си: Streit mit dem Chef Après une soirée privée chez son patron, un homme se lève avec une gueule de bois certaine et un mal de crâne insupportable. Il dit à sa femme : - Oh là, là… Qu'est-ce que j'ai pu boire hier ! Et...
Christmas Jokes Monday jokes Coffee Jokes
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up".
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".
The waiter says "Whoa, Тоnто. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shiт, and disappear for the rest of the day."
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Четирима хирурзи си почивали и пиели кафе. Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order". The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in... Tres cirujanos discuten en el bar del hospital sus experiencias sobre las operaciones. El primero dice: - A mí me gusta operar a los contables: los abres y lo tienen todo numerado. A lo que el segundo replica: - No, yo prefiero a los bibliotecarios, pues tienen todas sus partes ordenadas... Quattro chirurghi stanno discutendo del loro lavoro durante una pausa. Il primo dice: "Secondo me i bancari sono i più facili da operare, dentro di loro ogni cosa è numerata.” Il secondo replica:... Kilku chirurgów spotkało się na przerwie obiadowej. Rozmawiają o tym, kogo najbardziej lubią operować. - Ja to bardzo lubię operować księgowych. Wszystko w środku jest ponumerowane. - Jeszcze... Fem kiruger har kaffepause og taler lidt om, hvilke mennesker der er nemmest at operere. Den første kirug siger: "Jeg synes bedst om at operere revisorer. Alt inde i dem er nummeret" Anden kirug;... Hat sebész iszogat, és arról beszélgetnek, milyenek az ideális páciensek. Mondja az első: - Én a művészeket szeretem a legjobban. Amikor műtét közben felvágom őket, szinte érzem a belőlük áradó...
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Sitting round a small coffee table in a room of an international insurance company, a group of 4 people waited for a job interview. There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and an awful looking fат lady.

After 15 minutes in complete silence, and avoiding each other's eye contact, there was a power cut. The unmistakable sound of a slap was heard. Two minutes later the power came on again and the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That French son of a вiтсh wanted to touch me and by mistake must have put his hand on the fат lady who slapped his face"

The fат lady thought - "This dirтy old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".

The Frenchman thought - "That dамnеd Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".

The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another power cut soon so I can smack that French тwат again".
Blonde Jokes Coffee Jokes Insurance Comedy
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
4. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it- I mean it! As soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
10. Listen to the other side.
11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.
13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile.
16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
25. Lie face down on the floor and scream at the top of your lungs.
26. Leap up and write the paper.
27. Type the paper.
28. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write the paper.
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Седят си четири бабки и си пият следобедния чай. Ω Θεέ μου! Quatro mães católicas estão tomando chá.
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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Llega una secretaria llorando con tremendo llanto a su oficina. El jefe preocupado, entra a la oficina de ésta para ver cuál era el problema. ¡Ay, que tristeza! ¿Qué te pasa, por qué lloras tanto?... Un hombre visita a su vecina. La mujer rubia está llorando porque su madre había muerto. El hombre la consuela, le prepara café, y luego se marcha. Al día siguiente, vuelve el hombre a casa de la... Une blonde en larmes arrive au bureau, immédiatement, son patron vient la voir : Mais que se passe-t-il ma petite Georgette ? Georgette explique : - Ce matin, juste avant de partir travailler, j'ai reçu un coup de fil qui m'annonçait la mort de ma grand-mère. Le patron propose immédiatement : -... A loira chega no trabalho em lágrimas. O chefe, sempre solícito com a loira pergunta o que aconteceu: — Hoje de manhã, antes de sair para o trabalho, recebi um telefonema dizendo que minha mãe morreu! O chefe propõe imediatamente: — Rose, volte para casa imediatamente. Vá descansar. — Não quero —... O executivo chega ao escritório e vê sua secretária (que é loira) chorando. - O que aconteceu dona Paula ? - Pergunta para ela. - Minha avó, que mora na Itália, morreu! - responde ela, entre... En blondin sitter och gråter på jobbet. Hennes chef frågar vad det är och hon snyftar: - Min mamma dog igår. - Oj, säger chefen, det måste vara jobbigt för dig. Om du vill får du ta ledigt resten... En blondine sidder inde på sit arbejde og græder. Til sidst spørger chefen hende: jamen hvad er der dog galt? Blondinen svarer: “Jamen det er fordi min mor lige er død”. “Det er jeg ked af at høre”... Det var en blondine som sad og græd på sit kontor. Chefen kom forbi og spurgte hvad der var galt. Blondinen: De har lige ringet fra hospitalet, min mor er død. Chefen kondolerer. 2½ time senere... Blondinen kommer gråtende på jobb. Sjefen spør: - «Hva har skjedd?» «Moren min har dødd», svarer blondinen. Sjefen ber henne gå hjem, men hun sier det går greit. Senere på dagen finner sjefen henne...
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