Dad Jokes - Page 22

How do you know when your sister is on her period?
Your dad's diск tastes like blood.

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My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. I said, “that’s amazing how the hеll did he know all that?” My dad replied, “the judge told him.”

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Criminal Jokes Dad Jokes Grandparent Jokes

Three Boy Scouts, were fishing in a boat one day when they heard a lot of commotion. They followed the sounds and found another boat capsized as a man struggled to keep his head above water. Being Boy Scouts, they went to his aid and fished the man out.
The man was Bill Clinton. The ex-president toweled himself off and caught his breath, and thanked the three scouts. He asked if there was anything he could do for them. "I'd sure like a tour of the White House," the first scout said. "Can you still pull that off?"
"No problem," said Bill. "How's next week?"
"I want to go for a ride in Air Force One," said the second scout.
"We can do that next week, too," Bill replied.
"I'd like to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery," said the third.
"I'm sure we can arrange that," said Bill. "But son, you're awfully young to be worrying about that, aren't you?"
"You don't know my Dad," the scout replied. "When he finds out I helped save your life, he's gonna кill me!"

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Nationality Jokes Men jokes Political Jokes Dad Jokes American Presidents Humor

"My son, this is your senior year at school so your mom and I decided that you’re going to be a doctor."
"But what are you saying dad? You know very well that I’m not in a position even to... кill a mosquito."

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School Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Dad Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A boy's parents are fighting and the mom calls the dad a Ваsтаrd and the dad calls the mom a Вiтсh. The kid asks them what it means and they say Ladies and Gentlemen.
That night the son walks in on his parents having angry sеx.
The dad say "feel my diск" and the mom says "suск my тiттiеs"
The son asks "what does that mean" and the parents say Hats and Coats.
The next day the dad is shaving and cuts himself so he screams "shiт!" and the kid asks what it meas and the dad says its a brand of shaving cream.
The kid then goes downstairs and the mom is stuffing the turkey and accidentally cuts herself and screams"f*ck!"
When the guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner the kid answers the door and says.
"Alright you Вiтсhеs and Ваsтаrds, hang your Diскs and Тiттiеs in the closet, Dad's upstairs wiping the Shiт off his face and Mom's in the kitchen Fuскing the turkey!"

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Kids Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Thanksgiving Jokes Dad Jokes

My son said, “Dad, can I start going ballroom dancing?”
I said, “No, it’s too dangerous.”
He said, “Why is it?”
I said, “Because I’ll break your legs, you fuскing little рuff.”

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Gay and Lesbian Jokes Dad Jokes

One day, little Johnny came up to his father and asked, “Dad, where did I come from?”
Dad squirmed a bit, but thought it was time his son knew the facts of life. He told him the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life. How life developed and finally, how a child was born. As the story unfolded, Johnny’s eyes got wider and wider.
When his father was finished, Johnny said, “Wow, that is really neat. That sure beats what Billy told me. He said that he came from Cranston.”

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Little Johnny Jokes Dad Jokes

Son: Iphone! * holding it*
Daughter: Ipod! *holding it*
Mom: Ipad! *holding it*
Dad: IPAID!

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Insult Jokes Dad Jokes Apple and iPhone Jokes

Sure, white people can't say the "N word" but at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad."

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Office and Work Jokes Dad Jokes Communication Jokes White people jokes

Son:
"Dad! Dad! There is a monster under my bed!"
Dad:
"Enjoy it while you can son, when you get married the monster sleeps in your bed."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Insult Jokes Dad Jokes

Little Lexi was going to get a drink of water during the night, and she overheard her father say "You little b*tch. You like that, huh?" And her mother replied with, "Oh yeah, I love your diск. Go deeper!!" The next day she asked her mother what diск meant. The mom told her a diск was a coat. She then asked her dad what b*tch meant. Her father said that a b*tch was a person. Later on, Lexi found her parents arguing. "YOU МОТНЕRFUСКЕR!!" Her mom shouted. "You're just a SLUТ!" Her dad replied. Again, little Lexi was curious, and asked her mother what a motherf*cker was. Her mother said it was a turkey. Later, she asked her dad what a sluт meant. He said it meant toilet. After that, her dad was on the toilet yelling "Honey, I'm having a big shiт on the toilet so let's not have sеx until later?" She asked what shiт was and he said eating. He also said having sеx meant socializing. After all that, her family came over for Thanksgiving. Little Lexi said "Happy Thanksgiving, b*tches! We're going to shiт soon, my dad is upstairs eating the sluт in the bathroom! My moms going to cut the motherf*cker shortly! Hang up your diскs and stay a while! I can't wait to have sеx with you!

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Thanksgiving Jokes Dad Jokes

A blonde goes to the doctor's and find out she is pregnant with twins. She starts crying and the doctor asks her what's wrong. She replies,
"I know who the dad is for one of them but I don't know who the dad is for the other one!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes Dad Jokes

Little Susan was helping her mother to set the table, cause her father invited over his company managers.
When everybody sat on the table, her mother noticed that a flatware set was missing.
"Susan, why didn’t you put flatware on Mr. Marc’s seat?"
"I thought that I didn’t have to, since dad told us that Mr. Marc, eats like a pig…"

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Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Dad Jokes Boss Jokes

I just found out I’m going to be a Dad! I’m really excited.
I just hope my wife is too when she finds out.

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Cheating Jokes Dad Jokes

Why did George W. Bush cross the road?
To ask his dad how to run the presidency.

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road Jokes Dad Jokes American Presidents Humor

What do you call a fight between you and your dad?
Dady issues!

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Animal Jokes Dad Jokes

Some crazy woman knocked on my door with a little boy this morning.
She said, “Say hello to your dad.”
I said, “There must be some kind of mistake, that’s not my dad.”

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Jokes about Women Cheating Jokes Dad Jokes

What did the redneck say to the stripper........ "call dad, he worries sis"

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Redneck jokes Dad Jokes

Why does the chicken is sad?
Because his dad is a соск.
Why does the chicken is even more sad?
Because he faces the same future.

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Animal Jokes Dad Jokes

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt.
Little Johnny interrupted, "My dad looked back once, while he was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and he turned into a telephone pole!"

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Religion jokes School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Dad Jokes