Doctor's jokes, Health Jokes, Medical joke

"Doctor, I have a problem..."
"What’s your problem?"
"I рее in my sleep, every night!"
"Why?"
"Oh, well... Every night, a little devil visits me in my sleep and asks me; “Did we рее today?”.
"And, that’s it? The solution is so simple.. Listen to me! If the little devil comes again you’re gonna answer; 'Yeah, dude, I did!'"
"And that will cut it off?"
"Sure! Like a knife!"
At night, the little devil showed up on the patient’s dream and whispered;
"Did we рее today?"
"Yeah, dude, I did!" said angry the guy.
And little devil replied: "What about роор?"

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I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Wine jokes

Patient: "Doctor, I am feeling much better now. Please give me your bill."
Doctor: "Be calm. You are not strong enough for this yet."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Money jokes

After giving birth, I quit my job.
The exit questionnaire asked, "What steps would have prevented you from leaving?"
My answer: "Birth control."

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Baby Jokes Birthday Jokes

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get underway.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle.
The copilot is using a guide dog.
Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.
After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness.
They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once.
At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

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Aviation Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Communication Jokes Pilot Jokes

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.
The girl watches him and says, “You must be a dentist”
The guy, surprised, says “Yes…how did you figure that out?”
The girl says, “Easy… you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they were done, the girl says, “You must be a great dentist.”
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?”
The girl says, “Easy… I didn’t feel a thing!”

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Dentist Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Love Jokes

An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: "So, I'm getting married again next week, doc!"
"Oh, that's wonderful! And how old is the bride?"
"She's 19."
"That's fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action in the bed can be deadly!"
"Ah well, if she dies, I'll just have to remarry."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Communication Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Good jokes

An old lady goes to her doctor and asks for contraceptive tablets, claiming they help her sleep at night.
‘Why would contraceptive pills make you sleep any better than normal?’ asks the doctor.
The old lady replies, ‘Because I put them in my grandaughter’s coffee.’

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Old People Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes Coffee Jokes

When you are in Hospital, your friends ask: "Hey, how are you dear?"
But your best friend ask: "Hey buddy, how is the nurse?"

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Men jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Friendship Jokes Nurse jokes

A woman is very overweight and goes to see a weight therapist.
The woman asks for some good advices.
The therapist answers like this: "Well you just need to turn your head to the right and to the left when someone asks you if you want to eat at McDonalds."

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Diet and Weight Loss Jokes Jokes about Women Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Communication Jokes

A man and his wife go to the doctor to see how they could improve their sеx life.
The doctor recommends Viаgrа.
They come back and see him in a couple of weeks.
The doctor says "how was the Viаgrа?"
The wife says "great I love it."
Husband says "I like it but it has some side effects, we're bared from McDonald's for life."

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Viagra jokes Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes Couple jokes

In 1996, Florida physical therapist Paul Shimkonis sued his local nudie bar claiming whiplash from a lap dancer's large вrеаsтs.
Shimkonis felt he suffered physical harm and mental anguish from the вrеаsтs, which he claimed felt like "cement blocks" hitting him.
Shimkonis sought justice in the amount of $15,000, which was denied.

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Judge and Court Jokes Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Q: What is another name for a gynecologist?
A: A private investigator.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Gynecology Jokes Military Jokes

A doctor asks a patient while examining her:
How many sеx partners did you have?
5 or 6, don't remember exactly..
Hmm, not that many...
Yes, that wasn't the most successful weekend.

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Sex Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Doctor (to a patient): "You must take four tea-spoonfuls of this medicine before every meal."
Patient: "Doctor, we’ve only 3 spoons at home."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Shortly after a car was broadsided in a busy intersection, a good Samaritan rushed to see if anyone was hurt. He saw that the driver was dazed and bleeding.
"Hang in there, lady," he said. "Are you badly hurt?"
"How the hеll should I know?" she snapped. "I'm a doctor, not a lawyer."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whоrеhоusе."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the веll. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes School Jokes

Never bet on a loser because you think his luck is about to change.
Never buy from a rich salesman.
Never do anything you wouldn't be caught dead doing.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never eat prunes when you are famished.
Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
Never invest in anything that eats.
Never kick a man unless he's down.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

A college graduate was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the grad complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results.
"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.
"What do you think I've been doing," the grad said, "shoving them up my вuтт?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

These are reputedly real answers to questions on science tests.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
Equator: a menagerie lion running around Earth through Africa.
Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is so that there is something to hitch the meat to.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the воwеls, of which there are five - A, E, I, O, and U.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Science jokes