Friendship Jokes

Me: Knock! Knock!
Friend: Who's There?
Me: Daisy! Friend: Daisy Who?
Me: Daisy Me Rollin, They Hatin!!
?•??•???

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I hate it how my friends come in my house, do you have a bathroom? NOPE we shiт in the backyard -,-

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Friendship Jokes Funny Quotes

Kid to a pregnant girl at bus stop:
"What are you expecting?"
The girl says, "A bus."
The kid turns to his friend and says:
"Wow! I am 100% sure this chick got sсrеwеd by a Transformer!"

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Friendship Jokes Car and driving jokes Kids Jokes Sex Jokes Baby Jokes

A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like."
"Oh, that's easy," his pal replied, "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother."
"I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."

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Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes

Got tasered picking up my friend from the airport today. Apparently security doesn't like it when you shout, "Hi Jack!"

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Friendship Jokes Aviation Jokes

A friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move a body.

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Friendship Jokes

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends.
But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying.
While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere.
I 'ave a request for ye."
Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.
"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere.I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."
O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland.
Bottled the year I was born it was.
After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey.
But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

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Friendship Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.
"I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby.
"I can’t leave," the doctor says.
But here’s what to do.
Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suск out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony.
‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.
"He says you’re gonna die."

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Friendship Jokes

My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

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Friendship Jokes Insult Jokes God Jokes

Dad:
"Can I see your report card, son?"
Son:
"I don't have it."
Dad:
"Why?"
Son:
"I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."

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Friendship Jokes School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dad Jokes

A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home 1 night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house.
The wife called her husband's 10 best friends.
8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.

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Friendship Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

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Friendship Jokes Military Jokes Insurance Comedy American Presidents Humor

There was a Packers fаn with a really сrаррy seat at Lambeau.
Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line.
Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?"
The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fаn."
The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

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Friendship Jokes Sports Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Funeral jokes

The wild and mean bear grabs the hedgehog and asks him:
"Were you at the fox’s party as well?"
"Yes, I was. So what?"
"Were you sitting on the table?"
"Yeah, why?"
The bear, ready to leg press him, changes his mind and says to the hedgehog:
"Next time, wherever you go, take an umbrella with you!"
"But why, my friend?" the hedgehog wonders.
"Cause all night long, I was taking thorns off my аss!"

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Animal Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Friendship Jokes Superhero Jokes

Roses are red, violets are blue...
I'm in love but not with you...
When we broke up you thought I cried
But all it was...
Was another guy,
You told your friends that I was a trick,
I told mine that you had a weak diск...
I said I loved you
And you thought it was true,
But guess what baby?!
You got played too!

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Dirty jokes Friendship Jokes Funny Poems Love Jokes

Friend - "Hey your blocking the view!"
Me - "I am the view."

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School Jokes Insult Jokes Friendship Jokes

Two friends die. One goes to Heaven and the other goes to Неll. The one that goes to Heaven begs the angel to let him visit his friend in Неll, and the angel agrees. He gets to Неll and sees his friend surrounded by beautiful women and alcohol everywhere. He says to his friend, "Wow, you were a son of a вiтсh when we were alive! Неll looks better than Heaven." So the friend in Неll says, "Pour yourself a glass of wine." The heavenly friend pours the wine, and notices that the glass has no bottom. The good friend looks at the bad one in confusion, and the bad friend says, "The glass has no bottom, and neither do the girls. Welcome to Неll."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Jokes about Women Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes Wine jokes

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

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Friendship Jokes Office and Work Jokes Political Jokes

I like my friends how I like my coffee, and I don't have any coffee...

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Friendship Jokes One-Liner Jokes Coffee Jokes

Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student.
Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night.
This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.
15 minutes looking for assignment.
11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
8 minutes in the bathroom.
10 minutes getting a snack.
7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

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Dad Jokes Technology Jokes School Jokes Friendship Jokes Student jokes