Gross Jokes

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What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today?
Clawing at the lid of her coffin.

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What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days.

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Q: How do you know a gаy guy has farted?
A: He needs to change his pants afterward.

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Little Johnny walks into his parent's room one night to find them having sеx.
"Mom? What are you doing?" he asks his mom.
"Making a cake" his mom replies.
Later that week, Little Johnny walks asks his mom in the car "Were you and daddy making a cake on the couch" he asks.
"Yeah. Why?" his mom asks, confused and worried.
"Because I licked the icing off the couch! It was delicious!" he responded.

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Yo mama's lips are so big when you smile you wet your hair.

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Two guys narrowly escaped from a sinking ship on a life raft and discovered a magic lamp tucked away in a dark cranny.
Figuring what the hеll, one of the men gave the lamp a rub and "рооf," a cloud of smoke.
A second later, a genie appeared and said, "I will grant each of you one wish."
After thinking a while, the first man turned to the genie and said, "I wish I were floating on an ocean of вееr."
The genie granted the man's wish and disappeared.
The man's companion turned to him and said, "Way to go idiот. Now we have to рее in the boat."

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Yo mama so dамn short, she uses salt shaker as a toilet.

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What is the definition of revenge?
A baby with a dog in its mouth.

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Q: What's brown and in the military?
A: Gomer's pile.

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How did the live baby escape from a room filled with with zombie babies?
He ate his way out.

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What is special about a dead baby over all other forms of life?
You can achieve deep throat from whichever way you enter.

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One day, a guy walks out from a shop to see someone РISSING on his Ferrari.
"Hey," says the man. "Why are you рissing on my Ferrari?"
"Because I feel like it."
"Tell you what -- I won't report you to the police if you can keep up with my Ferrari."
"Whatever."
So the guy gets in his car and drives off, going faster and faster, until he's hit 100 miles per hour.
Amazingly, the guy is still keeping up.
"I'm amazed," says the driver. "How are you keeping up?"
"It's easy," says the running man, "when your d**k is stuck in the door."

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Q: Why do you put babies into a blender feet first?
A: So you can see the look in their eyes when you turn it on!

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What has 4 legs and one arm?
A Doberman in a children’s playground!

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Why were the people in the twin towers sad?
They ordered pepperoni pizza but all they got was plane.

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There was an old married couple who love each other very much.
But each morning as he was waking up the husband let out a huge nasty wet fаrт with his wife right in the bed next to him.
The wife always says "One day you're going to fаrт your guts out if you don't stop."
Then one day the wife snapped she won't take it anymore and she got up extra early when downstairs and got the guts out of a turkey and put it in the bed behind.
She went back downstairs to wait and then she heard the loud disgusting fаrт all the way down the stairs and then she hears nothing for a long while.
Just as she's about to go upstairs and check on her husband he comes stomping down the steps and he says "Honey you were right after I get my guts out but with the grace of God and these two fingers I managed to shove them back up there again."

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What do you call a рrоsтiтuте with a runny nose?
Full.

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How do you unload a truck of zombie babies?
With a pitchfork.

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Never hold in a fаrт; that's something an аsshоlе would do.

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Why did God give women legs?
So they don't leave a trail like a slug.

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