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A man comes home and finds he has a letter from the Inland Revenue, advising him that he’s going to be audited. In a panic, he calls his accountant:
“ОМG, I’m going to be audited, what do I do?” he says.
“Don’t worry, I have all your receipts and paperwork in order.” says the accountant. “But I have a piece of advice for you: wear scruffy clothes, that way the auditor will think you’re down on your luck and take pity on you.”
The man then calls his lawyer to see if there are any legal ramifications related to auditing that he should know about.
“…and remember, if anything doesn’t seem right, call me!” says the lawyer. “Oh, and one other thing: wear your best clothes so the auditor will think you’re well off and will respect you more.”
Now the man is confused; he’s got conflicting advice and doesn’t know what to do. So he goes to his pastor and explains the situation.
“Well, my son, let me tell you a story.” says the pastor. “Sometimes before the wedding, brides will come to me and say they’ve received conflicting advice on what to wear for their wedding night. One friend will tell them to wear something very modest but another friend tells them to wear something very rасy & revealing. I’m going to give you the same advice I give them.”
“Oh yeah? What’s that?” says the man.
“It doesn’t matter what you wear-your still gona get fuскеd!”
Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good…!!! I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hеll. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sеx anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone. Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Dear Ex-Husband: Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a girl!” but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99… After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed: Rich As Неll and Freeeeeeeeeeee!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem
Four people are in an airplane, the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager. The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane. The richest man in the world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue everyone else on the plane if he doesn't survive. The smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he thinks that the world would be a worse place without him. The pilot says to the punk "There's only one parachute left, I'll fight you for it."
"That won't be necessary," said the punk, "The smartest man in the world took my backpack."