Lawyer Jokes - Page 22

Twas the night before Christmasand throughout the substation,Not a deputy stirred,they were all on vacation. The stockings were hungon the wall with great care,Next to some T-shirtsand old underwear. I was working the night shiftcompiling stats,Answering the phone,and feeding the rat. When all of a suddenthere arose such a clatter,I leapt from my deskto see what was the matter! I opened the doorwith a creak and a crick,And saw a jolly red fат manI knew must be St. Nick. I had seen his picturea time or two,He was wanted:Article 27 - Section 342. I threw open the doorand commanded him "Freeze!"
"Put your hands on you headand get down on your knees." But he turned and he ran,up the chimney he flew,With me in pursuit,toward Booth St. I knew. When we got to the roofSanta made for his sleigh,Throwing down toysand blocking my way. As I got to the peak,he threw down some сrаск,I slipped and I felllanding flat on my back. To my front I was facedwith a toy M-1 tank,And Pink Power Rangerscovering my flank. "On Dasher, on Dancer!",he cried loud and clear.Then I got off three roundsand dropped the lead deer. And I heard Santa sayas he sailed into the blue,"Merry Christmas to all!My Lawyers will sue!"

64 0

A lawyer buys a farm as a weekend retreat.
While walking round his new property he looks down and sees that his feet are in the middle of a huge cowpat.
The lawyer starts yelling, ‘Oh my God!
Help me, help me!’
His wife runs up and asks what’s the matter.
The lawyer points to his feet and screams, ‘I’m melting!
I’m melting…!’

26 0

God Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Research shows these are the top US vacation destinations according to occupation:

Artists... Painted Desert, Arizona
Athletes... Olympia Heights, Florida
Candy Makers... Carmel, Indiana
College Professors... University City, Missouri
Ecologists... Green Bay Wisconsin
Firefighters... Smokey Mountains
Geologists... Stone Mountain, Georgia
Gossip Columnists... Grapevine, Texas

Helicopter Pilots... Hoover, Alabama
Home Builders... New Castle, Pennsylvania
Jewelers... Pearl City, Hawaii
Landscapers... Garden City, Michigan
Lawyers... Accident, Maryland
Loan Officers... Fairbanks, Alaska
Lumber Jacks... Thousand Oaks, California
Manicurists... Finger Lakes, New York
Optometrists... Plainview, New York

Pastors... Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Pianists... Florida Keys
Podiatrists... Arches National Park, Utah
Politicians... Dodge City, Kansas
Real Estate Salesmen... Loveland, Colorado
Refrigerator Repairmen... Chilum, Maryland
Retired Army Officers... East Point, Georgia
Sailors... Marina, California
Sheriffs... Marshalltown, Iowa
Tree Trimmers... Long Branch, New Jersey
TV Evangelists... Paradise, California

14 0

Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Office and Work Jokes Nationality Jokes Political Jokes Lawyer Jokes Aviation Jokes Banker Jokes Military Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Sailor Jokes Pilot Jokes

A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a theatre play.
Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back.
He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped.
But a few minutes later, he again felt the man’s hands on his back.
"Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?"
"I’m a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can’t keep myself from practicing my skills."
"Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I’m an attorney, and you don’t see me sсrеwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

42 0

Judge and Court Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Lawyer Jokes

A boy who was a witness to a сriме was called to testify in court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"
"Yes, sir," answered the boy.
"I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?"
"My father, sir."
"And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly.
"He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I told the truth, everything would be all right."

73 0

Lawyer Jokes

Richard a village doctor was awakened at 4 a.m. to make a house call. He reluctantly got dressed and braved a snowstorm. After the examination, he told the patient to send immediately for his lawyer and relatives and friends and make a will. When he got home and told his wife asked of what he had seen and done. His wife asked, "Was the patient really that bad?" Richard said, "No, I just didn't want to be the only idiот called out on a night like this."

81 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirтy rat!"
The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"?
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirтy rotten stinking rat"!!
At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court.
I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?"
He replied "He is my next door neighbor".
The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".
The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand.
Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!

34 0

Relationship Jokes Men jokes Lawyer Jokes

The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.
“Isn’t it true, “he bellowed, “that you were given $500.00 to throw this case?”
The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction - no response.
Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, “Please answer the question.”
“Oh,” said the startled witness, “I thought he was talking to you.”

88 0

Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunк who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunк for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is. "Well," said the drunк, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
"From my nose," the drunк replied.

46 0

Lawyer Jokes

Why didn't Cupid shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart? Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small.

0 0

Lawyer Jokes Valentine's Day Jokes

Doctors:
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.z
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services.Now think about this:
Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188
Statistics courtesy of FBISo, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, 'Guns don't кill people, doctors do.'
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT Almost everyone has at least one doctor.
This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner!
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!Out of concern for the public at large, we withheld the statistics on Lawyers: for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

50 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer...

David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gаy cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go home with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "he works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

48 0

Police Officer Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes School Jokes Bureaucrat Jokes American Presidents Humor

David was a new golfer, who had taken to the game so deeply that he lost all track of time. As almost a commandment, when David went out to play golf, he was always late coming home by three or more hours. Needless to say, Grace his wife, suffered as well as she could, but every once in a while she threw a fit because of his broken time to be home promises.

It was Sunday afternoon and David was heading out the door for the golf course. Grace nailed him before he got out the door and reminded him that her sister and husband would be there that evening for supper at 7PM . Dave saw no problem with this and swore to Grace that he would be home by 6PM. Well in time to meet his sister-in-law. Grace made him promise several times and Dave swore he would be home by 6.

Grace started looking out the door at 5:30 and saw no sign of Dave. 6PM, Dave's, promised time of arrival came and still no Dave had arrived. Minutes passed and at 6:30 the guests arrived. Grace served cocktails and started burning under the collar.

Dinner was served late at 8PM and still no Dave. Grace was thinking of good divorce lawyers. When 10:30 arrived the guests left and Grace sat down in the living room to have a good cry.

At 11:15 Dave walked through the door, sat his clubs in the corner and sat down with his wife. "Such a golf game I had. On the second hole, Irving dropped dead. After that it was terrible. Hit the ball, drag Irving. Hit the ball, drag Irving. Hit the ball, drag Irving...

0 0

Lawyer Jokes Golf jokes

A farmer walks into a lawyer's office and says:
"I'd like to get one of them-thar day-vorce-ees"
"Yes sir, I believe I can help you" replied the lawyer. "Do you have any grounds?"
"Oh shore do!", exclaimed the farmer, "Got me bout a 140 acres out back a the house thar."
"No no..., I mean do you have a case?" asked the lawyer. "No sur," replied the farmer, "I drive one of them John Deer's"
"You don't understand," said the lawyer, "You need something like a grudge."
"Oh!!" said the farmer, "I got me one of those! That's what I park muh Deer in!" The lawyer, a bit frustrated responded, "Sir, you've got to have a reason to divorce your wife. Does she beat you up or anything?"
"No sur", replied the farmer, "I purt near get outta bed afore her ever mornin." Finally the exasperated lawyer shouted, "WHY do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, well..." replied the farmer, "She says we jus can't communicate!!"

23 0

Farmer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Lawyer Jokes

An atheist became incensed over Christmas holiday preparations. He filed a lawsuit about the constant celebrations given to Christians and Jews while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long, passionate presentation by the atheist's lawyer, the judge banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling. "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter, and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah. Yet, my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"
The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously, your client is too confused to know about, much less celebrate, his own atheist holiday!"
The lawyer pompously said, "Your honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be?"
The judge replied, "Well, it comes every year on exactly the same date. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, if your client says there is no God then, according to the Bible, he is a fool. April Fool's Day is his holiday. Now, get out of my courtroom!"

59 0

Lawyer Jokes Christmas Jokes April Fools' Jokes

It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sасrifiсе, and was quite believable.
When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband's lawyer arose and said, "Isn't it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sеxuаl inтеrсоursе with a certain circus мidgет on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?"
She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure.
Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked, "What was that date again ?"

52 0

Lawyer Jokes Military Jokes

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:
"That's Strange!"

32 0

Lawyer Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant.
His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.
The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so dамnеd expensive?"
The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

42 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.
The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100."
The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."

39 0

Lawyer Jokes Money jokes One-Liner Jokes Banker Jokes

Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by.
One attorney turns to his associate and comments "Boy, I would like to fuск her!
The other attorney thinks for a second and said "Out of what"?

37 0

Bar and Bartender Jokes Sex Jokes Lawyer Jokes Beauty Jokes