Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

What is the perfect Father's Day gift?
Taking your Mom away on a vacation with you.

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I'm going to watch my wedding video later "backwards".
I love the end bit when she takes the ring off, goes back down the aisle and jumps in the car.

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Wedding jokes Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Love Jokes

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."
She shrugs and walks away.
Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."

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Cheating Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes

During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders.
The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, "You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no вiggеr than your hand."
"That's right, Coach," replied the lineman. "But, she's much better!"

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American Football Jokes Jokes about Women Sports Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

One day Sven walks into the local pub and announces, "Well boys Svens is getting married."
As you can imagine all of Sven's' friends were very happy for Sven's good fortune and they asked, "Who's the lucky girl?"
Sven replied, "Well I am a marrying Madge."
Well, this upset all of Sven's friends because Madge was nothing but a sluт, and they all cried.
"Sven you can't marry Madge, she's not a nice girl!"
"Sven replied, "Oh ya, Sven's in love and he's a getting married."
And his friends persisted, "Sven, Madge is a woman of low morals."
Sven just grinned and replied, "Oh ya ya ya, but I love Madge."
Finally, his friends had enough and in unison cried out, "But Sven, Madge has been sсrеwеd by every man in town!"
"Oh ya ya ya," said Sven, "But it's not that big of a town."

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Friendship Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

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Marriage and Family Jokes One-Liner Jokes

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."

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Dark Humor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Police Officer Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Boss Jokes

Q: Why is a sheep better than a woman?
A: A sheep doesn't care if you fuск her sister.

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Dirty jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Sex Jokes

Teacher: "Who can tell what is a mammal?
Little Johnny: "My grand mother!"

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Little Johnny Jokes School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Old People Jokes

A drunк man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year everybody." and the waiter says, "We are in June you drunк man.".
And the drunк man says, "Oh my god my wife is going to кill me I have never been so late in my life!"

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New year jokes Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner.
So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.
He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

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Men vs Women Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Hotel Jokes

Q: Which Bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).

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Religion jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Computer Jokes Geek jokes Bible Jokes

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door.
One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her вrеаsтs grow to enormous proportions.
Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my реnis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fell off.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

The woman comes with her husband to the psychiatrist and tells the psychiatrist:
"Please, do something with my man, because he thinks of himself that he is a horse."
The psychiatrist says: "Oh, it will be a long and expensive therapy."
The woman: "Ok, don´t worry, we can enough money because my husband has already won three times the horse racings."

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Animal Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Wedding anniversaries are a time when men pause and reflect on what it was they did before they were married: anything they wanted to.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Wedding jokes

A man and woman were celebrating their 50 year anniversary.
That night, the woman comes out of the bathroom completely nакеd and looks at her husband who is already in bed.
She says, "Honey, 50 years ago tonight, when I came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, what were you thinking?"
He said, "I was thinking that I wanted to suск your тiттiеs dry and fuск you until you couldn’t think straight."
She smiled at him and said, "So what are you thinking now?"
He said, "I think I did a pretty good job!"

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Office and Work Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Wedding jokes

A man who wants to мurdеr his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide.
"I'm sorry sir, but I can't give you cyanide just like that."
Without a word, the man takes out his wife's photograph and holds it in front of him.
The pharmacist apologizes, "My mistake, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

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Men jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Chemistry Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the nакеd man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money‚
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Redskin tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

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Cheating Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

A husband and wife are having financial troubles.
They agree she should walk the streets to pick up some extra cash.
The husband drops his wife off in the red light area of town, and returns 6 hours later.
She gets in the car and says, "Look, I made $40.50 !"
"What jеrк gave you 50 cents?" he asks.
"All of them!"

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Prostitute Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

A man and wife were making love. When they saw there 8 year old son at the door crying the dad started laughing and the boy ran away.
Mom said "You better fix this now."
The dad couldn't find the boy anywhere unwell he heard a loud noise conning from grandma's room so he opened up the door and there was the boy putting his "wood" to grandma.
The dad screamed "What the fuск."
The boy said "It aims so funny when it's your mom is it."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Dad Jokes