Marriage and Family Jokes

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A man walks into a drug store with his 8 year old son. They happen to walk by the соndом display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man, matter-of-factly, replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sеx."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
папа с сыном зашли в аптеку. малыш остановился возле полки с... Ein Mann geht mit seinem 8-jährigen Sohn in eine Drogerie. Мъж влиза в аптека с 8-годишния си син и чака на опашка. Ein Mann geht mit seinem achtjährigen Sohn in den Supermarkt. Als beide gegen Ende des Einkaufs an der Schlange der Kasse stehen, fallen dem Sohn am Ständer die bunten Kondome auf: "Du Papa, was ist das?" "Mein Sohn, das sind Kondome! Sie braucht man um Safer-Sex vollziehen zu können, sodass man... En man går in på apoteket med sin 9-årige son. Sonen får syn på hyllan med kondomer och frågar sin pappa - Vad är det? - Det kallas för kondomer min son, svarade pappan. Män använder dem för att ha... Na farmácia, o garoto chega para a mãe e pergunta: — Mamãe, pra que servem as camisinhas? — É para usar na hora de fazer amor — responde ela baixinho. Pouco depois, o garoto vem com outra: — Por... En la farmacia: - ¿Tiene condones? - Sí señor, ¿para casado o para soltero? - ¿Y eso qué importa? - Claro que importa. - Si es para soltero vienen en cajas de siete: Lunes, Martes, Miercoles,... Przychodzi ojciec do apteki z 6-cio letnim synkiem i synek zauważa małe torebeczki z balonikami. Pyta ojca: - Tato co to jest? - To są takie baloniki, żeby sex był bezpieczny. Synek dalej się pyta:... Un hombre va a la farmacia con su hijo de 8 años. Pasan por el estante de los condones y el niño pregunta: - Papá, ¿qué es eso? El padre no sabe que decir y responde: - Se llaman condones. Los usan... Een vader wandelt met zijn 13-jarig zoontje de apotheker binnen, waar ze voorbij een condoomautomaat wandelen. "Wat zijn dat, papa?", vraagt de kleine onmiddellijk... "Dat, mijn zoon, ", zegt de...
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You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When... 
· You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened. 
· Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. 
· All of your friends have an @ in their names. 
· Your dog has its own home page. 
· You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem. 
· You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 
· You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. 
· You get a new suit that says, "This best viewed with Netscape 4.01 or higher." 
· The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg. 
· Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
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A young man has spent five years traveling throughout the world making a documentary on native dances. He is nearing the end of his project and winds up in Australia in Alice Springs. He begins to talk to an Aborigine, who asks the researcher if he ever saw the "Butcher Dance."

"Butcher Dance? What's that?" he asks.

"What? You no see the Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

Well, the Aborigine convinces the fellow that he must see the "Butcher Dance" to finish his project. Once convinced, the man gets excited about being able to experience this very famous dance. They begin their trek over the outback to a place where the Butcher Dance is observed. They follow a dirt track for 200 miles, walking for three days through creeks and valleys. It takes them another four days to get over the mountains. And all this time they, of course, are dragging their camera equipment and crew with them.

After seven long days of grueling travel, they finally reach the village of the Butcher Dance. They find the village chief and explain to him why they have travelled so far and say they are anxious to start filming this exotic dance.

Then the bad news hits them. The chief explains that the Butcher Dance Festival was the previous night. The chief adds, "Maybe you can see it the next time."

"Well, when will you hold the next dance?" the researcher asks.

"Not 'til next year."

"Couldn't you please hold it just one more time tonight so we could see it and film it for our documentary?"

"No," was the reply. "The Butcher Dance is very holy and is performed only once a year."

The man is devastated but has no other options then to wait until next year. So he decided to stay in the area and tried to make a go of it in the village, even though it is very difficult. He becomes ill, cannot find work, misses his family, but alas, he sticks it out.

A year passes and the day of reckoning comes the next festival of the Butcher Dance. The natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descends over the performers and some sort of witch doctor appears and begins the ritual. The researcher is getting caught up in the fervor of the event. Wow, he thinks, here I am, the first white man to see the famous Butcher Dance. He starts filming. The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing. He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about!"
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A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened.
“Is the housewife in?” he asked. The servant replied: “Just a moment.” The wife comes out: Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.
Husband: Guess what? I am rich.
Wife: How?
Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand, I got rich fast.
Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa, making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed…and I got REAL rich.
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A man had been married to his wife for twenty years. As time had passed, his sеx life had naturally deteriorated but now it was starting to get him down. No longer could he make his wife оrgаsм.
One day, the man decided to do something about it so he went to see his doctor. The doctor suggested he add a little romance back into the relationship - a nice meal, candles, mood music and the like. The man was skeptical but, that evening, he gave it a shot. He really pulled out all the stops but, when he came to the bedroom, there was again no action from the wife.
He went back to see the doctor the next day. The doctor was disappointed the trick hadn’t worked but told the man not to worry. The doctor suggested he try again but this time get a young Adonis-like man to stand beside them and waft them with a towel. At first, the man didn’t like the sound of it, but the doctor persuaded him to give it a go. He found a number for a male еsсоrт agency and arranged for their top man to come around that evening. All was going to plan but, when they came down to business, there was still no climaxing, no matter how much the young man waved the towel. Now, as you can imagine, this was starting to rile the man no end. He stormed back to the doctor. The doctor was obviously mortified that it hadn’t worked so he suggested the man repeat the trick but perhaps this time he swaps roles with the еsсоrт. The man was at his wit’s end so gave it one last try.
That evening, the man cooked his wife a fantastic meal. Shortly after they had finished, the еsсоrт arrived and they headed up to the bedroom. The man took up his position with the towel while his wife and the еsсоrт got down to business. Sure enough, within minutes his wife was groaning and writhing with ecstasy. The man was clearly satisfied with his work, so he lent over and whispered in the еsсоrт’s ear, “You see mate, that’s how you wave a fсuкing towel!”
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A couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary in a lovely restaurant. They were talking about how happy their marriage has been and still is.
The husband says, “We have been married for so long, 50 wonderful years, but there is something I have been meaning to ask you.”
“Yes, dear, anything you want,” replies the wife.
“Have you always been faithful? Come on, you can tell me; we have been married for so long nothing can change that.”
Shocked as she was she figured she owed him the truth.
“I have been unfaithful three times,” she says.
“Remember when you were going to lose the business and you desperately needed a loan, but none of the banks you went to gave you one. And then, on the weekend, one of the bank managers came to the house and gave it to you. Well that was the first time.”
“I am shocked, but also I love you dearly because you sacrificed yourself to save me from bankruptcy. What about the 2nd time?” he asks.
“The second time was when you had the heart attack and needed that special surgery. Remember the heart specialist flew in from Chicago?” she said.
“Again I am shocked but I love you even more because you did it for me. You are truly a magnificent woman. Tell me the third time.”
“Well, remember when you were running for mayor and you were 47 votes short….”
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Q: What’s the difference between оrаl sеx and аnаl sеx?
A: Оrаl sеx makes your day; аnаl sеx makes your hole weak.
Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it but can’t eat it.
Q: How is a woman like a соndом?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your diск.
Q: What is the similarity between a woman and KFC?
A: By the time you’ve finished with the вrеаsтs and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your воnе in.
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of suскing and blowing and in the end you lose your house.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What’s the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sеx is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: What do you call a рrоsтiтuте with a runny nose?
A: Full.
Q: How do you make five pounds of fат look good?
A: Put a niррlе on it.
Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What do you call a blonde that can suск a golf ball through a garden hose ?
A. Darling
Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suск.
Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are sтuрid, but few are blind.
Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It’s not hard.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q: What’s the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches.
Q: What do a dildо and soybeans have in common?
A: They’re both used as a meat substitute.
Q: What do old women have between their вrеаsтs that young women don’t?
A: A bellybutton!
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11) I'm spiking the punch at the reception. That'll liven things up!
10) Hey! Did I just see the dead guy move?
9) Hey, this is the first time Grandpa's been stiff in twenty years!
8) The sonofabitch is lucky he's dead. He still owes me twenty bucks!
7) (to children) Be quiet or we'll bury you with him.
6) I'll trade you the clock I inherited for the golf clubs you inherited.
5) I don't really know him/her. I'm just here for the free food afterwards.
4) It's about time. I was getting sick of her whining.
3) Is this service over yet? I'm gonna miss the hockey game.
2) (to Pastor performing service) So, this is what your God does, eh? Кill people and break up families? Tell me... Why do you continue to worship him? He sounds like an a**hole.
1) (to widow) Well, you're officially single now. Whatcha doin' Friday night?
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