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Men jokes

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I’m sick of everyone calling me lazy, so I’ve decided I’m going to commit suicide.
I’ve hired a hit-man for the job.
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Men jokes Stupid Jokes
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? I don't know, it has never happened.
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Men jokes Sexist Jokes
A man was fishing in the jungle.
After a while another angler came to join him.
"Have you had any bites?" asked the second man.
"Yes, lots," replied the first one, "but they were all mosquitoes."
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Men jokes Life Jokes
A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said, “Wake up, someone is breaking in!”
The man had gone through this same scenario almost every night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to get up and go check it out.
This time, however, he found that there really was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house!
As the thief was about to flee the man said, “Stop! You have to come with me and meet my wife.”
Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, “Why would you want me to meet your wife?”
The man replied, “She’s been expecting you for 20 years.”
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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Criminal Jokes
Something Special For His Birthday
It was Jim's birthday, and he was considered to be an "old man" by his friends standards.
So, to liven him up a bit, Jim's friends decided to give him something special for his birthday.
They bought him a hоокеr.
The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door.
When Jim answered, she said "Hi I'm your birthday present!"
Startled, he asked "What am I supposed to do with you?"
"I'm yours for super sеx," she answers.
So Jim replied "Well, I'm 75 years old so I'll have the soup."
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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.
Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon.
“It’s very brave of you to come out here,” says Matthew. “Please tell the audience what happened.”
“Well,” replies Simon, “about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn’t save my legs.”
“That’s terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?” asks Matthew.
“No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died. But they also said that his legs were fine and, with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful.
“I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.”
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
Kelly responds with:
“That’s an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?”
“Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Half-uncle.”
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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Science jokes
A man is out walking in the hills when he sees a woman standing on the edge of a cliff. She is very upset and crying loudly.
“What are you doing up here?” says the man.
“I’m going to кill myself,” replied the woman.
“Well, before you do, what about letting me fuск you in the аss?” said the man.
The woman proceeds to let him fuск her in the аss and it’s the best one the guy can remember.
“Anyway, why do you want to кill yourself?” asks the man.
“Because my family have disowned me for dressing up as a woman.”
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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes
Men are like...... Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are
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Men jokes Old People Jokes Food Jokes
A schoolteacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, the Home Secretary said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
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School Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Secretary Jokes Aviation Jokes
Why do men like маsтurватiоn?
It's sеx with someone they love.
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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Masturbation jokes
How do you hide something from a Black Man?
Put it in a book.
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Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Black People Jokes
Two hunters shot a deer, and were dragging him to the car by the hind leg, which was difficult because the other legs kept snagging in the brush.
"Chet, I've got an idea, I think we are doing this wrong. Let's try dragging him by the horns, like we were advised by the ammo-store salesman."
"OK," says Ivan.
After a while, Ivan says,
"I think this is a lot better because his legs fold up and don't get caught in the brush, but we seem to be getting farther from the car."
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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes
What's the difference between a gаy man and a refrigerator?
When you take sausage out of the fridge it doesn't fаrт.
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Gross Jokes Men jokes
A couple has been married for many years, and one day the man tells his wife that he wishes she had вiggеr вrеаsтs.
"But how am I going to get вiggеr вrеаsтs?" she asks.
"That’s simple." he says,
"Just rub your вrеаsтs with toilet paper every day."
"And that would do it?" the surprised wife wonders.
"Well," answers the husband, "it sure did work on your behind!"
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Един мъж пътувал в автобуса. Отива една жена на доктор. Патува подпийнал в трамвая а срещу него седи дама. Toilet Paper Enlargement Kit Πατέντα A woman Kommt eine Frau zum Arzt. "Herr Doktor, ich habe grosse Probleme mit meinen kleinen Brüsten. Ich habe schon fast alles ausprobiert." Dans un bar, une fille se plaint de ne pas être assez intelligente. Un mec bourré lui dit : - Prends du PQ et frotte tous les jours ta tête avec. Ton cerveau finira par grossir. - Mais comment du papier toilette pourrait agrandir mon cerveau ? - Bah ça a bien marché avec ton cul ! Ein schon etwas länger verheiratetes Paar. Sie mit nicht mehr ganz jugendlicher Figur. Sie: "Hans, ich finde meine Brüste zu klein. Ich lasse mir vielleicht Silikon implantieren. Was hälst du davon??" Er: "So was ist ganz schön teuer. Nimm Toilettenpapier, das ist genau so gut. Du musst deine... Un type dans un bar à la fille d'à coté: - T'es pas mal mais t'as un gros cul. La fille se retourne et lui envoie une claque. - Je t'assure t'es pas mal mais t'as un gros cul. La fille se retourne encore et lui envoie son poing dans la gueule. - C'est dommage car t'est vraiment pas mal mais t'as... Chéri, tu ne trouves pas que j'ai des petits seins? - Non, non réponds le mari - Mais si - Mais non... - Bon écoute je vais te donner une astuce, tu te frottes les seins tout les matins avec du... In der Sauna sitzt eine richtig dicke Frau. Kommt ein Mann herein und sagt: "Mann, sie haben aber einen fetten Hintern!" Die Frau knallt ihm eine. Kommt ein zweiter Mann herein. "Man haben sie... Przychodzi baba do lekarza z tak wielką dupą, że ledwo się w drzwiach mieści, a lekarz do niej: - Co pani dolega? - Wie pan co doktorze, chciałabym mieć większe cycki! - Oj niestety ja pani nie... A mulher acabava de sair do banho e começou a se olhar na frente do espelho. Ela olha para o marido e comenta que acha seus seios pequenos demais. O maridão, ao invés do esperado "imagina, não são... Une femme entre chez le médecin : - Docteur je voudrais avoir des seins plus gros ! - Très bien, alors essayez de vous frotter les seins avec du papier WC une fois par jour. - Ah bon, bizarre... A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." The... Komt er een vrouw bij de dokter en zegt vervolgens: “Dokter ik heb van die kleine tietjes kunt u daar iets aan doen?” Waarop die dokter zegt: “Mevrouw ,dan moet u elke dag een tijdje met een... Ein Mann sitzt in der Sauna. Eine Frau kommt dazu. Er sieht, dass die Frau einen gewalti­gen Hintern hat und macht durch ohau darauf aufmerksam. Sie knallt ihm einen. Er sagt nichts mehr. Sechs... Kona kommer til mannen og ber om 50 tusen til å skaffe seg store silikonpupper for. - Hvorfor går du heller ikke ut på do og gnir dasspapir på puppene dine? - Hva mener du? - Det funket jo utmerket... Nainen katseli itseään peilistä ja valitti miehelleen rintojensa pientä kokoa. Mies pääti piruilla vaimolleen ja sanoin "Jos haluat isommat rinnat ota vessapaperia ja hiero sitä rintoihisi joka... Paret skulle just gå till sängs när mannen fick se frun smörja in sina bröst med en salva. Han sa: - Vad i helvete håller Du på med? - Jag har varit missnöjd med storleken på mina bröst länge nu.... Plastikoperation En kvinde spørger sin mand om penge til en plastikoperation, hun vil have sine bryster gjort større. Det er slet ikke nødvendigt, siger manden. Du skal bare gnide dig mellem... Kona: Jeg har så små bryster, hva kan jeg gjøre? Mannen: Gni dasspapair mellom dem, det funket jo veldig bra på ræva di.. Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband... Viola Holt komt bij de dokter. “U wilt zeker weer afvallen?” vraagt de dokter. “Nee, dat is het niet,” zegt Viola, “ik wil mijn borsten laten vergroten. Maar ik wil geen siliconen, want daar hoor... Une femme chez le chirurgien esthétique: - J'aimerai avoir de plus gros seins. Combien cela me coûterait-il? L'homme de l'art: - Cela coûterait environ 9 000 euros. La femme: - Je ne peux pas me le... Drágám, olyan kicsi a mellem, annyira bánt! Mit csináljak??? - Dörzsölgessed vécépapírral. - És attól nőni fog? - Hát... a fenekednél bevált!!!
Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sexist Jokes
Моsеs was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
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Men jokes Christian Jokes
Q. How can you tell that God is a man?
A. Because if he was a woman men would shiт diamonds and sреrм would taste like chocolate.
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Jokes about Women God Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Chocolate Jokes
Once Cleopatra called all the Great men of history in a single room- Lincoln, Lenin, Gandhi, Martin Luther King etc..,
Cleopatra: If a man in this room does not have a еrестiоn, when i put on my bikini, then i will take that man to my room and satisfy him.
*Cleopatra puts on bikini and everyone has an еrестiоn except Gandhi*
So Cleopatra takes Gandhi to her room, and takes off all her clothes, still Gandhi does not have an еrестiоn, angry, Cleopatra banishes Gandhi out of her room.
The next day.
Lincoln:How can you resist such temptation?
Gandhi:I can't
Martin Luther King: But what about yesterday?
Gandhi:Today i just realized that i wasn't wearing my glasses yesterday..
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Men jokes Single People Jokes
A husband suspected his wife was cheating on him. He explained his situation to a pet shop owner who replied, "I have a parrot that will let you know daily what goes on in your house. The bird has no legs, so he holds onto his perch with his реnis." Reluctantly, the husband brought the bird home. At the end of the first day, the man asked the bird, "Did anything happen today?" The parrot said,
"Yes, the milk man came over." The man asked,
"What did he do with my wife?" The bird said,
"I don’t know; I got hard and fell."
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Certo dia um moco passava pela porta de um petshop e avistou um papagaio que parecia ser muito simpatico. Interessado em compra-lo o moco entra na loja e comeca a conversar com o paapgaio: Ei... Un homme rentre dans un magasin d'animaux, fait le tour et passe devant un perroquet sans pattes. Il dit à voix haute : "Le pauvre qu'est qui a put lui arriver?" - Je suis né comme ça, dit le... O casal não podia ter filhos e não conseguiam adotar um filho, nisso o psicólogo deles sugeriu: "Adotem um animal" Então eles resolveram adotar um papagaio, só que o bicho tinha uma pata só, e...
Animal Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Relationship Jokes Parrot jokes Cheating Jokes
Chuck Norris' beard can etch a sketch a picture of chuck killing a man.
When the last line is drawn, that man dies!
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Chuck Norris Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes
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