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Men jokes

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A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hеll of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gаy."
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gаy, too!"
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

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A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?"
"No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"
"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sеxy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese sandwich!"

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy,
"Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little ваsтаrd. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his аss, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

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I like a big, strong, hardworking man, a man who wakes up early in the morning eager to work hard.
I'm talking day-in and day-out - just working and sweating and sweating and working, and when it's all over, he showers and goes to his job.

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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."

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I've seen these before but they're still funny :lol:
What is your date of birth?
July fifteenth.
What year?
Every year.
====================================================.
This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
Yes.
And in what ways does it affect your memory?
I forget.
You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
====================================================.
All your responses must be оrаl, okay? What school did you go to?
Oral.
====================================================.
How old is your son - the one living with you.
Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
How long has he lived with you?
Forty-five years.
====================================================.
What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
And why did that upset you?
My name is Susan.
====================================================.
Sir, what is your IQ?
Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
====================================================.
Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
We both do.
Voodoo?
We do.
You do?
Yes, voodoo.
====================================================.
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
====================================================.
The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
====================================================.
Were you present when your picture was taken?
Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
====================================================.
Did he кill you?
====================================================.
How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
====================================================.
You were there until the time you left, is that true?
====================================================.
How many times have you committed suicide?
====================================================.
So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Yes.
And what were you doing at that time?
====================================================.
She had three children, right?
Yes.
How many were boys?
None.
Were there any girls?
====================================================.
You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Yes.
And these stairs, did they go up also?
====================================================.
Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
I went to Europe, sir.
And you took your new wife?
====================================================.
How was your first marriage terminated?
By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?
====================================================.
Can you describe the individual?
He was about medium height and had a beard.
Was this a male, or a female?
====================================================.
Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
====================================================.
Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
The autopsy started around 8:30 p. M.
And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

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Q: What do a lawyer and a sреrм have in common?
A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

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What's the difference between a lawyer and an amoeba?
One wears a tie.

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Q: Why was the dirтy old man fired from the poultry shop?
A: He couldn't keep his hands off the вrеаsтs and thighs.

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A young man got a new job running the register at a store. The old store owner said he would teach him how to up-sell.
"Watch how I do it," he said to the new hire.
As a customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter, the old-timer said to him, "When you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing, you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut the grass."
"You know," said the man, "I do need a new mower. Sure, I'll take one."
After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one."
A customer stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman said, "You know, you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."
The man asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?"
"It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass."

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A man walks into a lawyer's office and inquires about the rates.
"Fifty dollars for three questions, "replies the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asks the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replies, "and what's your third question?"

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A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.
"That will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it," said the proprietor.
"Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story." He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, all the rats drowned. He returned to the store shortly.
"Ah-ha!" said the proprietor. "You've come back for the story, right?"
"Nope," said the man. "You have any brass lawyers?"

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One day two deaf-mutes meet on the street. They had been friends in school but had lost touch over time. They used sign language to catch up on old times. Through the course of conversation one of the deaf-mutes learned the other had learned to speak and was no longer mute.
This amazed the fellow that was still mute and he asked about the procedure. His friend gave him the doctor's card and went on his way. The deaf mute wasted no time and went straight to the doctor's office. The doctor informed the procedure took 26 days and cost one million dollars. The man handed the doc his insurance card and begged the doctor to start the treatment that day.
The doctor had the man sтriр and lay over the examination table. The doctor went to his closet and took out a bucket of mayonnaise and a broom handle with a door кnов on the end. The doc got a running start and shoved the mayonaise covered door кnов up the deaf-mute's аss. The mute screamed,"AY!AY!AY!" The doctor said,"very good we will work on the B's tomorrow."

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Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the-"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road-''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

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The Mathematics of Love.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

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A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child.
The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carriedthis child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birthprocess, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

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What do you call an honest lawyer?
An oxymoron.

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A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.' He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound’ and another sign that says ‘Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.’ So he asks the man behind the cash register, “how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?” The man replies, “do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?”

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