Men jokes - Page 57

An exhausted hunter out in the woods stumbled across another hunter.
Hunter 1: "Am I glad to see you, I've been lost for three days."
Hunter 2: "Don't get too excited, friend, I've been lost for three weeks."

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After spending 20 minutes trying to get my wife's вrа off, I decided to give up,
I wish I'd never put it on now.

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Men jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night.
So one night his wife decides to teach him a lesson.
She dresses up like Sатаn, and decides to hide in the dark, and scare him when he gets home.
The man comes home, and his wife jumps out and screams in his face.
He just looks at her and says, ”You don’t scare me I am married to your sister!”’

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

Why do women fake оrgаsмs?
Because they think men care.

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Dirty jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Sex Jokes

What’s a man’s definition of safe sеx?
Meeting his mistress at least 30 miles from his house.

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Sex Jokes Men jokes

The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, “I cannot hide the fact that your are very ill, my man. Is there any one you would like to see?”.
“Yes,” replied the patient faintly, “Another doctor”.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

CBS hired Chuck Norris to replace Charlie Sheen, now the show is called Ten and half Men.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Men jokes

When you have a man staring at a nакеd Рlаyвоy model, be sure that he doesn’t wonder if she knows cooking, or if she plays piano or if she has a nice personality either!

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Men jokes Food Jokes Music and Musician Jokes

"I can't wait for Father's Day" said no man ever.

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Father's Day Jokes Make My Day Laughs Men jokes

Q: Why do liberals travel in threes?
A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.

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Fitness jokes Men jokes Flirt jokes

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nudе, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these вrеаsтs; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my аss is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Blonde Jokes Men jokes

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, “I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks.”
He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets.
He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.
He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house.”

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Dirty jokes Jokes about Women Money jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Englishman, Scottish man and Irishman selling bibles door to door, they have a bet who will sell the most in a day.
They meet up at end of day and Englishman has sold 2, Scottish man had sold 3, but the Irishman who had a terrible stutter says hhhee hhhee hhhad sssold ssssixty. The other two asked how did he do it.
He said, "Wwwhen Iiiii nnnnnnknock aaaat thththe ddddooor I said: Do you wwwwwant tto bbbuy a bbbbbible ooooorrr shshshould Iiii jjjust rrrread it tttto yyyyou?"

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Bible Jokes Men jokes

Equation
Men = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkeys = eat + sleep
Therefore,
Men = Donkeys + earn money
Therefore,
Men - earn money = Donkeys
In other words,
Men that don't earn money = Donkeys

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Men jokes Money jokes Math Jokes

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”
The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”
The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”
The woman then gave the officer her license.
“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man replied, “He said he knows you!

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Old People Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Dating Jokes Ugly Jokes

A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it.
She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy’s mind, sat him and said: “God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white.”
To which the child responded, “Well, then is God Michael Jackson?”

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Jokes about Women Kids Jokes God Jokes Men jokes Church jokes Music and Musician Jokes

Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white male and resident of Wimbledon UK, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday.
Bloggs will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that after a night of drinking, as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles.
At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Bloggs went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, poked a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Bloggs apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer B.T. approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said Officer BT. "I walked up to (Bloggs) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin".
BT went on to describe what happened when she approached Bloggs:
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you are sсrеwing a pumpkin?'
He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,
'A pumpkin? Dамn...is it midnight already?'"

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Parent Jokes Office and Work Jokes Sports Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Old People Jokes

One day at the Ricki Lake Show, the topic was ghosts.
Before the show, she asks the audience: "Who here has ever sensed the presence of a ghost?" and 5 people raise their hand.
Then she asks "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" and 3 people raise their hand.
Then she asks "Okay, now who here has ever had sеx with a ghost?" and 1 person, an old man raises his hand.
So she goes up to this old man and says "what was it like?" and he said "Oh…it was great! Never had any like it before!"
and she asked "Really? So the ghost was good?"
and the old man said "Ghost? I thought you said goat!"

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Sex Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

Man comes home to his wife and says to her: "With the new pair of glasses, you look like shiт."
"But I don't have a new pair of glasses..." she replies.
"But, I do."

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Insult Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes