Money jokes - Page 40

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
Yes! I've always known you were a bit nutty!

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The teacher asks a student "If you have $5 and billy takes $3, how much do you have left?"
The student replies "Not enough for fuскing lunch and billy ain't gonna have no got dамn teeth left stealing my 3 dollars."

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School Jokes Money jokes Vulgar jokes Student jokes Math Jokes

I got a call today from a distorted voice saying “Five grand in cash, or we кill your wife”
Both options were tempting, but I decided to take the money.

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Money jokes Masturbation jokes

Yo momma is so poor for Christmas she got a box, put two sticks on it, spun it and said son here's your xbox 360.

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Christmas Jokes Money jokes Yo Momma Jokes

Whenever I get down to my last $3, I'd always head to the nearest 7-11 -- the white trash casino -- and I'd buy a 40-ounce of вееr and a lottery scratch ticket. I would drink the вееr, and I'd scratch the ticket And it'd always be some game with some dream come true name -- you know, like, 'Рот of Gold' or 'Win the Millions' or 'Money Stack' -- and there's a picture of a big stack of money on the ticket. I think a better name for those games would be 'Spend the Child Support.' And what you do is scratch the money from a baby's mouth.

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Money jokes Blue Collar Jokes Beer Jokes

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
“Twelve thirty.”

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Money jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Golf jokes

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

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Lawyer Jokes Money jokes Light bulb jokes

Only thing left on my Debit card is my name and expiration date.

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Money jokes

I keep getting bills from the Memory Erasing Clinic but I've never been there.

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Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Morty and Saul are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul, a banker, says to Morty, "Listen, Morty, I should probably tell you, I don't swim so well."

Morty, who worked as a lifeguard when he was younger, begins tugging and pulling on Saul, helping him float towards shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks, "Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"

Saul looks at Morty and then replies, "This is a heck of a time to be asking for money!"

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Misunderstanding Jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Banker Jokes

The best security system for a bank is when Chuck's money is in it.

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Money jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Banker Jokes

Q: What does a black person have in common with a soda machine?
A: They both don't work and always take your money.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Black People Jokes

An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars.
Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper.
'Alec !' yelled the teacher, 'you've done nothing.
Why?'
'Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do !'

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Money jokes School Jokes

Why are black people & vending machines the same?
Because they both don't work & they both steal your money.

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Black People Jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

Lady: Do you smoke?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs
Lady: How much per pack
Man: $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn’t smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Man: Where’s your fсuкing Ferrari then?

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Sarcasm Jokes Money jokes Men jokes

A lawyer is paid £950 in new bills but, on counting the money, he discovers that two notes have stuck together and he’s been overpaid by £50.
This leaves him with an ethical dilemma – should he tell his partner?

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Money jokes Lawyer Jokes

You know who's mad at Kobe?
Every other player in the NBA.
You know why?
Cause he messed around on his wife and bought her a $4 million ring.
Yeah, you know what that means: that's the new minimum.
Cause you know how women are, man.
Women get upset:
"Oh, really, what's this? A $1 million ring? What - did that вiтсh get my $3 million, too?"

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Jokes about Women Sports Jokes Money jokes Men jokes

A guy walks into a bar and orders a вееr.
He only brought enough money for one вееr though.
As hes drinking his вееr, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom.
Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive вееr, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I SPIT IN THIS ВЕЕR", and walks to the bathroom.
When he comes back about 15 minutes later, theres another 3x5 note card next to his вееr saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO".

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Money jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Beer Jokes

I walked into my grandparents house today and caught my grandad shаgging a young blonde woman on the sofa.
“Fсuкing hеll grandad,” I said, “You promised me that you’d spend your retirement money on the surgery that you desperately needed.”
“I did,” he replied, “Doesn’t your nan look great!?”

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