Police Officer Jokes

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BREAKING NEWS :
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Police are actively seeking to speak to anyone who has seen Kim Kardashian’s Ring..???
Well, besides Me, all of China, the USA, Asia and Europe, basically most of the people on the Planet then, have seen it at least once..

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A policeman on a motorcycle pulls over a car.
‘What’s up?’ says the driver.
‘Your wife fell out the passenger door three miles back,’ says the policeman.
‘Thank goodness for that,’ says the driver. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’

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Sleep is my drug….my bed is my dealer and my alarm clock is the police.

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The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

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A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed.
As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.

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The toilet at my local police station has been stolen. The cops have nothing to go on.

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Police Officer Jokes

Why do police dogs liск their ваlls?
To get the taste of Niggеr out their mouths.

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Q: How do you drown a blonde in a submarine?
A: Knock on the door.

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You Know You Are Out of College When:

- Your potted plants stay alive.
- Sleeping in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
- You have to pay your own credit card bill.

- Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
- "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
- "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.

- Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
- You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.

- You go to parties that police don't raid.
- You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
- Your car insurance goes down.

- You refer to college students as kids.
- You feed your dog science diet instead of taco веll.
- Half your conversations with current college students start with, "When I was in college..."

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A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her "the look".
Whispering under her breath, the wife says, "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching!"
Husband replies, "You're right, lets go to the beach."
After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them. "Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!"
Embarrassed, the husband admits, "You are right, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn't seen each other for an entire week. Now, I'm a policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me."
The cop thought for a second and said, "Don't worry... you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this b**** making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay."

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Q: What's the difference between a black guy and a white guy?
A: A white guy can say "Hey Dad" and "Good morning officer".

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A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies, "Воовs!"

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We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

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A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink. "Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink." The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman. "Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."

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A man was involved in an auto accident. A policeman ran up to the car and asked, "Are you seriously injured?" The man said, "How should I know? I'm a doctor not a lawyer."

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Police officer: Where were you between 4 and 6?
Me: Kindergarden

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

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Blonde: Officer theres like a thousand dead people here!
Cop: Okay, calm down. Where are you?
Blonde: The cemetery!
Cop: *facepalm*

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A gang of thieves broke into a blood bank last night and stole a hundred pints of blood.
Police are still hunting for the clots.

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Someone call CSI.
I just killed my workout.

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