Police Officer Jokes

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The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''
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-A LIST OF EVERYTHING WRONG BIEBER HAS DONE- 27. Declared his retirement on Christmas Eve (December 2013)
26. Was photographed smoking рот (January 2013)
25. Showed up to a concert in London two hours late on a school night; booed by fans (March 2013)
24. Kicked out of a nightclub in Chicago for drinking underage (July 2013)
23. Hosted a loud party at his home, which provoked neighbors to call the cops three times (November 2013)
22. Created graffiti on a hotel in Australia (November 2013) Was stopped at the Canadian border under suspicion of a tour bus connected with his tour having drugs on board (July 2013)
21. Got evicted from a London nightclub on his birthday for stinking the place up with рот and accused of attempting to sneak in his underage friend Jaden Smith; Bieber denied that accusation (March 2013)
20. Rumored to have had three bongs, two large cookie jars filled with рот, and the ingredients for Sizzurp in his house; cops were unable to seize any of it, because it would have exceeded their warrant; LA Sheriff's department denied the claims (January 2014)
19. Got detained at customs in Australia for suspicion of drug possession and using foul language (December 2013)
18. Forced his bodyguards to carry him up the Great Wall of China (October 2013)
17. Got into a fight with a paparazzo; аssаulт charges were never filed (May 2012)
16. Got into a “scuffle” with a DJ in South Korea who refused to play his requests (October 2013)
15. Was photographed apparently spitting on his fans; Bieber denies that’s what happened (July 2013)
14. Allegedly spit at a DJ, who filed a police report for the incident (July 2013)
13. Allegedly started a bar brawl in a New York nightclub, although he wasn’t personally involved in the fight (August 2013)
12. Peed in a bucket in the kitchen of a restaurant where he was eating (July 2013)
11. Was rumored to have cheated on Selena Gomez, causing their break-up (February 2013)
10. Got charged with a driving offense for driving up to 100 MPH in an attempt to lose the paparazzi that were following him (July 2012)
9. Groped a stripper at a sтriр club (October 2013)
8. Allegedly had drugs and a stun gun on his tour bus in Sweden, apprehended by police (April 2013)
7. Got himself barred from Germany for not paying an outstanding $800,000 fine (August 2013)
6. Was photographed coming out of a brothel in Brazil; the girl he allegedly slept with released a video of him sleeping online (November 2013)
5. Accused of egging his neighbor’s house and causing $20,000 worth of damages, making it a felony; Bieber's house was searched and his friend Lil Za was arrested (January 2014)
4. Accused of spitting at and threatening to кill his neighbor, who confronted him about his reckless driving; no charges were filed (October 2013)
3. Allegedly hit a paparazzo with his car; charges were later dismissed (July 2013)
2. Got arrested on charges of drag racing in a residential area, driving under the influence, resisting arrest, and driving with an expired license (January 2014)
1. Abandoned his pet monkey, OG Mally, in Germany after the animal was seized when Bieber couldn’t produce the right paperwork to take it on tour (March 2013)
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Полицай спира на магистралата една стара дама, която кара с 25 км/ч. Дамата пита: - Защо ме спряхте, аз спазвам ограничението. Ето, на табелата пише А 25 и аз карам с 25 км/ч. - Но, госпожо, това е номер на магистралата, а не ограничение на скоростта. Добре, тръгвайте, но виждам, че спътничката... A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it.... Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?" Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not... A blonde was driving down a highway and all of a sudden a cop sitting on the road side turns on his flashing red lights. The blonde seeing the red lights pulls over to the side of the road and... Ancianitas en un convertible: Iban dos ancianas en un convertible en la carretera 110. Después se metieron en la carretera 5. De repente se dieron cuenta que iban seguidas por un carro de policía y... Стоя на обочине шоссе, полицейский видит автомобиль, едущий со скоростью 25 километров в час. Zwei Rentnerpaare sind mit dem Auto auf der Autobahn und fahren nicht mehr als 81 km/h. Ein Polizist hält das Auto an. Der Opa fragt: "Waren wir zu schnell?" Darauf der Polizist: "Nein, aber warum... Sur l'autoroute, un contrôle radar enregistre une Ferrari à 19 Km/h. Le policier qui vient d'effectuer le constat rattrape en trottinantle véhicule et tape à la vitre pour demander des... Un policier interroge une blonde: - Pourquoi rouliez-vous à du 20km/h sur l'autoroute? - Ben... Car il était écrit A20... - Et pourquoi votre amie tremble ainsi? - Ben... Sûrement car on vient de... Un poliziotto vede un’auto che procede lentamente sull’autostrada e pensando che possa essere di pericolo, data la bassa velocita’, la ferma. Alla guida un’anziana signora; sul sedile accanto e... In autostrada una macchina della polizia s'accorge che c'è una Ferrari che va pianissimo. La polizia ferma la macchina e al volante trova una signora bionda e uno di loro dice: "Ma signora mia,... Даішник бачить, що за дозволеної швидкости 60 км/год одна з машин їде зі швидкістю 20 км/год. Зацікавило то його. Зупинив. У салоні 4 бабусі, років так під 80. Одна з них за кермом, а ще три з... Um policial está na estrada, chegando no Posto Rodoviário onde trabalha e avista um carro andando em baixíssima velocidade. Imediatamente ele faz sinal para o carro parar e vai falar com o motorista. Aliás, a motorista. É uma velhinha acompanhada de... Um guarda rodoviário manda parar um carro que estava em baixíssima velocidade em uma cidade. Quando se aproxima, nota que dentro dele há quatro velhinhas. Com toda delicadeza, diz para a motorista:... um carro lotado de velhinhas esta andando a 15 km por hora em uma BR o guarda preocupado pede para a velhinha encostar e o guarda diz: - a senhora esta apenas a 15 km por hora. e a velhinha... Rzecz dzieje się w Stanach. Policjant zatrzymuje samochód na autostradzie, a w samochodzie siedzą trzy zakonnice. Policjant mówi do prowadzącej: - Jechała siostra za wolno. Zakonnica: - Przecież... Tor Arne var ute och körde bil i Sverige när han stoppades av en polis som sa: - Du körde 75 på en 50-väg. - Men det står ju 75 på skylten där borta. - Det betyder riksväg. Tor Arne tänkte efter en stund och sa: - Tur att ingen såg mej på riksväg... Polismannen stoppade en bil full med nunnor för att de körde så sakta att de hindrade trafiken. - Kan ni inte köra lite fortare? frågade han. - Men, konstapeln, svarade nunnan vid ratten, - Det... Polisen: – Du körde för fort. 70 på en sträcka där det är 50 – Det står 70 på skylten därborta. – Det där är ju vägnumret. – Oj, då skulle ni sett mig på väg 210. En gammal dam blev stoppad av polisen: - Ni kör för fort. Ni kör i 70 på 50-väg. - Det står 70 där borta på skylten. Polisen: - Det där är ju vägnumret. - Va??? sa gumman. Då skulle ni sett mig på... Een vrouw van ongeveer 75 jaar rijdt met haar splinternieuwe Ferrari op de E40 tegen ongeveer 35 km/u. Een GTI van de rijkswacht merkt dit op en zet de moeizame achtervolging in. De Ferrari wordt... Een dom blondje rijdt met 40 km/u over de E40 autosnelweg. Ze wordt tegen gehouden door de politie. “Wel mevrouw,” vraagt de agent, “waarom rijdt u zo traag? U weet toch dat de minimumsnelheid op... Een dame van rond de 75 jaar rijdt met haar splinternieuwe Ferrari op de A67 ongeveer 66 km/h. Een stel agenten in een politie busje merken dit op en zetten de dame bij de eerstvolgende afrit aan... En bil blir stoppet av politiet fordi den kjører 20 km/t i en 80 sone. Føreren er en liten gammel dame på 85 år og i baksete sitter hennes jevnaldrende 3 venninner. - Frue spør politimannen -... Politimannen satt i bilen sin langs motorveien da han oppdageren en bil som gikk i 22 km i timen. «Den her føreren er minst like farlig som en person som kjører alt for fort», tenkte han for seg... Poliisi pysäyttää naisen: - Ajoitte ylinopeutta. Ajoitte 70 km/h, vaikka on 50:n nopeusrajoitus. - Mutta kyltissähän lukee 70! - Se on valtatien numero. - Oho! Olisittepa sitten nähneet minut... Két idős házaspár hajt autójukkal a német autópályán, pontosan 81 km/h-val. Egy rendőr megállítja az autójukat. Az egyik öreg megkérdi: - Túl gyorsan hajtottunk? Erre a rendőr: - Ellenkezőleg.... Megy a szőke 21-el. Megállítja a rendőr: - Csókolom, miért megy ilyen lassan? - Mert az volt kiírva, hogy itt 21-el kell menni. - De az az út száma! - Ja, majd legközelebb gyorsabban megyek! -...
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A police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance.
The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the officer and the "Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World."
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist too, probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the officer continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jеrкеd for four minutes.
"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the officer asked.
The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the officer, "you're under arrest."
Police Officer Jokes
След полунощ полицай спира шофьор, превишил скоростта. Полицай спира забързан минувач в 3 часа през нощта. Пиян мъж върви по улицата. Среща го полицай: - Къде си тръгнал, не се ли виждаш колко си пиян?- пита последният. - На лекция за вредата от алкохола- отговаря пияният. - Каква лекция? Я, погледни, 3 през нощта е! Кой луд чете лекции по това време?! - Жената и тъщата... Запира полицаец возач во 4 сабајле и му вика: - Каде одиш? - На предавање. - На какво предавање? - На предавање за морални вредности, колку алкохолот штетно влијае врз човечкиот организам, колку... Полицаец застанува пијан маж и го прашува: - Каде сте тргнале толку доцна навечер? - На предавање. - Е како да не. Кој држи предавања во ова време?! - Жена ми!! The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am. The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked... A man is staggering home drunk late at night when he’s stopped by a policeman. ‘What are you doing out here at this time of night?’ asks the officer. ‘I’m going to a lecture,’ replies the man. ‘And... I was stopped by the police at midnight and asked where I was going. Im on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body. The policeman asks, Really?... Полиция останавливает мужчину в нетрезвом состоянии в час ночи. Ein Mann wird um Mitternacht von der Polizei angehalten und gefragt, wohin er geht. Ein Autofahrer wird nachts von der Polizei angehalten: "Wohin fahren Sie?" - "Zu einem Vortrag über Alkoholmissbrauch und Rauchen." - "Wer hält um diese Uhrzeit solche Vorträge?" - "Mein Frau!" Un homme âgé est arrêté par la police vers 2 heures du matin et on lui demande où il va à cette heure de la nuit. L’homme répond: - « Je suis en route pour une conférence sur l’abus d’alcool et les... П'яний чоловік вночі йде по вулиці. Його зупиняє поліцейський: — Куди йдеш? — Іду слухати лекцію про шкоду алкоголізму. — О третій годині ночі?! Хто ж тобі буде її читати? — Моя дружина і теща! A dokąd to obywatelu? - pyta policjant pijanego. - Idę wysłuchać kazania. - A kto wygłasza kazania o trzeciej w nocy?! - Moja żona. Een dronken man besluit heel wijs zijn auto te laten staan en lopend naar huis te gaan. Als hij na een half uur zwalken over straat ineens word aangehouden door een agent. ‘Waar gaat U naar toe om... Een oudere man wordt om 2 uur ’s nachts door de politie staande gehouden en wordt gevraagd waar hij om deze tijd naar toe gaat. Hij antwoordt: “Ik ben op weg naar een lezing over misbruik van... Sustabdė naktį policininkas girtą žmogelį ir klausia: - Pilieti, kur taip skuodi vidury nakties? - Į paskaitą, pareigūne. - Ką čia nusišneki... Kas skaito paskaitas tokiu metu? - Mano žmona,...
Police Officer Jokes
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to кill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna кill you? Did she threaten to кill you?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna кill you?"
"No."
"Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna кill you?"
"No."
"Then why did you think she's gonna кill you?" asked the exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!"
He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.
The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'?"
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he... The following conversion took place in a Polish church. Polish Man: I want to divorce my wife. Priest: Why my son? Polish Man: I think she is trying to kill me. Priest: What makes you say this?... A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well, until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he...
Police Officer Jokes American Jokes
While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.
The chief asked:
"Who is in the limo, the mayor?"
The policeman told him:
"No, someone more important than the mayor."
Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
The policeman answered:
"No, someone more important than the governor."
The chief finally asked:
"Is it the President?"
The policeman answered:
"No, someone even more important than the President."
This made the chief very angry and he bellowed:
"Now who is more important than the President?!"
The policeman calmly wispered:
"I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."
Пристигнал папата на посещение в София и се качил на едно такси за да разгледа забележителностите. Папата отлетял към Ню Йорк за конференция. Събудил се сутринта в хотела и видял, че закъснява. Облякъл се набързо, спрял едно такси и казал на шофьора: Папата шофер The Pope Drives En el Vaticano el Papa estaba súper aburrido, entonces no encuentra nada mejor que llamar a su chofer para salir a recorrer las calles de roma, pero el chofer conducía tan lento que el Papa más... Der Papst reist im Auto durch die menschenleere Einöde Kanadas. Der Papst unternimmt wieder einmal eine seiner Reisen, diesmal nach Südamerika. In einem der dortigen Länder müssen die Wege zwischen den einzelnen Reisestationen mit dem Auto zurückgelegt werden.... Der Papst wird von seinem Chauffeur umhergefahren. Dem Papst wird langweilig, also bittet er seinen Chauffeur, ob er mit ihm mal die Plätze tauschen kann. Der Papst meint, er liebe es Autos zu... Le pape vient juste de terminer sa visite de Paris en papamobile. Il est sur le point de monter dans une limousine pour aller à Roissy; et soudain pris d'une envie de conduire une Safrane irrépressible, il demande au chauffeur de monter à l'arrière,... Le pape arrive à l'aéroport de Roissy où l'état a mis à sa disposition une limousine. Or le pape est un FAN d'automobile. Il supplie le chauffeur de lui laisser prendre le volant. Après quelques... Ο Πάπας Η Φεράρι έκανε δώρο στον Πάπα το καλύτερό της μοντέλο. Την άλλη μέρα, ο οδηγός μπροστά, ο Πάπας πίσω βγαίνουν για βόλτα στην εθνική Dopo aver caricato tutti i bagagli del Papa nella limousine, l'autista nota che Sua Santità sta ancora aspettando sul marciapiede e l'autista al Papa: - "Mi scusi, Santità vorrebbe per favore... Papa makam otosuyla Roma’da dolaşmaktadır. Bir süre sonra canı sıkılır ve şoför’e durmasını söyler. Şoför’ü arkaya geçirir ve arabayı kendisi kullanmaya başlar. Araç kullanmanın zevkine varınca... O papa veio ao Brasil e um motorista numa Mercedes apanhou-o para levá-lo a São Paulo. Andava devagar e o papa pediu que corresse mais, porém ele disse que não podia, pois havia guardas na estrada.... Na última viagem do Papa ao EUA, durante a viagem de avião, ele bebeu muito vinho. Ao descer do avião já disse para seu motorista que iria dirigir e o motorista deixou. O Papa que estava para lá de... De paus gaat op bezoek in scherpenheuvel voor een zaligverklaring. De vaste pausmobielchauffeur Giovanni van de paus zegt: "Hoogheid Belgie ligt niet zover van Rome als we nu eens met de... A pápa elhatározza, hogy inkognitóban bemegy Rómába. Beül a sötétített ablakú limuzinba, és megmondja a sofőrnek, hogy irány a város! A sofőr azonban baromira be van rezelve, mert még sosem vitte a... Cica a venit papa in Romania. Si mergea el cu masina condusa de sofer si cum nu-i placea felul in care conducea masina ii spune sa se dea la o parte ca sa conduca papa. Incepe papa si baga viteza... Popiežius vėlavo atskristi į svarbų susitikimą. Kai nusileido, jis prašė vairuotoją važiuoti greičiau, kad suspėtų. Vairuotojas padidino greitį, tačiau popiežiui atrodė, kad jie vis dar važiuoja...
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Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer...

David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gаy cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go home with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "he works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
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One day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!"
So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck."
Police Officer Jokes