Jokes about Police Officers

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a тrамр would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

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What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant?
An animal that tells you everything that it remembers!

What is a baby elephant after he is five weeks old?
Six weeks old!

What did the elephant say when the man grabbed him by the tail?
This is the end of me!

Policeman:
"One of your elephants has been seen chasing a man on a bicycle."
Zoo Keeper:
"Nonsense, none of my elephants knows how to ride a bicycle!"
Why do the elephants have short tails?
Because they can't remember long stories!

How to you keep an elephant in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow!

"Dad, Mum is fighting with an enormous elephant in the garden!"
"Don't worry dear, I'm sure the elephant can look after itself!"
My elephants got no trunk?
How does it smell?
Terrible!

What do elephants sing at christmas?
Noel-ephants, Noel-ephants...
Who do elephants get their christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus!

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Police Officer Jokes Christmas Jokes

There were five brothers named somebody, nobody, anybody mad and brain.
One day somebody and nobody were fighting, and just at that moment the anybody called police.
The police picked up the phone, and said hello.
Then Anybody:
"Hello sir! I want to inform you that somebody is beating nobody."
Police:
"Sorry!"
Anybody:
"Sir somebody is beating nobody"
Police:
"Are you mad? Who are you? What's your name?"
Anybody:
"No, sir mad is dancing, I am anybody"
Police:
"Shut up you idiот. What are you saying? Where have your brain gone? Is it lost?"
Anybody:
"No, sir brain is not lost. Brain is in the bathroom."

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Police Officer Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Communication Jokes Stupid Jokes Phone jokes

Signs Your Cop Partner Needs A Vacation:
9. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6. He talks to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fат.
4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.
2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!

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Police Officer Jokes Relationship Jokes Fat Jokes

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11... a suicide.

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Police Officer Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Phone jokes

A guy who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunк.
"Well," says the cop, "It looks like you've had quite a few drinks this evening."
"I did all right," the drunк says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,
"That a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunк.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Car and driving jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Police Officer Jokes

“How did the policeman catch the grave robber? He crypt up on him.”

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One-Liner Jokes Police Officer Jokes

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license.
He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know!
You're getting a ticket!"

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One-Liner Jokes Jokes about Women Police Officer Jokes

I’m feeling a bit down. I have been for a while now. I have no family and very few, if any friends and admittedly have never been good at relationships (no one has ever stayed in my life long enough I suppose to show me how. ) So, as an adult, I feel like I fail at friendship. I can’t make or seem to keep a friend and especially more than one. No one ever thinks to invite me to go anywhere or do anything. I had no parents growing up, I was abused, both physically and verbally the majority of my life. At this point I have begged, yes begged people to be in my life. I feel like I’m the problem. I’m so lonely for friends that I’ve threatened to move and start over but realistically that’s impossible. I know you have to be a friend to have a friend but no one (locally) seems to want to fill that void. I’m tired of begging and I’ve felt like the plague for the last few years. I don’t know what to do. I’m so unhappy about my situation that I could and have cried. I can’t have children so I can’t have my very own family. I feel like my entire life is missing because I lack many of life’s greatest blessings. What do you suggest? Signed, feeling blue……………. answer I think you should join the Police

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Police Officer Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes Sarcasm Jokes Military Jokes

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes the police! Come out with your hands up!

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One-Liner Jokes Police Officer Jokes Knock-knock jokes

A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting “Murderer!"
"Killer!”….
….
The policeman disperses the crowd and begins to interrogate the suspect. …
The policeman :” Tell me what happened. ”
The suspect :” Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to crash the car into a group of 12 people or to swerve into a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person? ”
Policeman :” No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision. But tell me how did you end up killing 13 people?”
Suspect :” Well that coward ran towards the other 12.”

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Police Officer Jokes Men jokes Criminal Jokes Single People Jokes

Blonde cop pulls over blonde motorist.
Cop asks the motorist to see her license so the blonde searches in her purse & tells the blonde cop that she must have forgot it at home.
The blonde cop asks the blonde motorist does she have any other type of identification so she searches in her purse again, looks at a pocket mirror & says, "I have a picture of myself."
The cop asks to see it so the blonde motorist hands over the pocket mirror.
The blonde cop looks at it & says, "Well if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over."

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Police Officer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Blonde Jokes

A man was driving along the road when all of a sudden he has to swerve to avoid a box falling off the lorry in front.
Seconds later a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
As the policeman starting writing the ticket he noticed the box was full of nails and tacks.
"I had to serve or I'd have run over those and blown my tyres!" protested the driver.
"Ok", replied the officer, ripping up the ticket, "but I'm still bringing you in."
"What for?" retorted the man.
"Tacks evasion", answered the policeman.

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Police Officer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Men jokes Tax jokes

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are walking by a mall.A policeman starts running after them, so they start running too.They come upon 3 sacks and jump into them.The cop stops and kicks the 1st sack and the brunette says "Meow."The cop says, "Oh, it's only a cat."He kicks the 2nd sack and the redhead says "Woof."The cop says, "Oh, it's only a dog."Then he comes up to the third sack and kicks it.The blonde says "Potatoes".And the cop says "Oh, it's only a sack of potatoes!"Do you know why the cop didn't catch her?Because he was a blonde too!

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Blonde Jokes Police Officer Jokes

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer:
"I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.
Tech Support:
"Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer:
"As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support:
"Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down.
'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support:
"Er, what happened next?"
Customer:
"After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank.
And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them.
And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office.
Did I do something wrong?"

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Police Officer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes

“What is your occupation?” asked the judge.
“I’m a locksmith, your honor.”
“And what were you doing in the jeweler’s shop at three in the morning when the police officers entered?’
“ I was making a bolt for the door!”

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Judge and Court Jokes Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes

ONEA married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. Thewife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear." TWO Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." the second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You duммy, it's me!" THREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"FOUR A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." FIVE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" SIX A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."
"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth." SEVEN Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the сriме. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K_9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K_9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

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Blonde Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Police Officer Jokes Cheating Jokes Dog jokes

To keep her warm, a motorcyclist puts his leather jacket on his girlfriend backwards, so that the collar would cover her face. After they hit a patch of ice, there was a tragic accident. First on the scene was a farmer and his son. Soon a policeman arrives and questions the farmer.

"Well, sir, the poor guy down there in the ditch was apparently killed outright. The girl was in pretty good shape till Junior turned her head around."

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Police Officer Jokes Farmer Jokes Cyclist Humor

Police are warning people to be on the lookout for suicide bombers over Christmas who are set to launch a wave of terror with a new ‘Alphabet Bomb’.
If one of those fcukers goes off, it could spell disaster.

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Christmas Jokes Police Officer Jokes Criminal Jokes

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

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One-Liner Jokes Office and Work Jokes Blonde Jokes Police Officer Jokes