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Funny Quotes

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I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

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Funny Quotes

I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

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Funny Quotes

I’m having the opposite of sеx with the opposite sеx. Lucky me!!

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Sex Jokes Funny Quotes

According to the women’s beach volleyball game I just watched, I don’t need Viаgrа after all.

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Jokes about Women Funny Quotes Viagra jokes

“Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hеll in such a way that they look forward to the trip.” …
… ~ Attributed to Winston S. Churchill, Prime Minister of the UK during World War II.

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Military Jokes Funny Quotes

Some people wake up feeling like a million bucks...

Me?

I wake up feeling more like "Insufficient Funds".

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Money jokes Funny Quotes

How do you know when your too drunк to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air freshener.

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Funny Quotes

My wife could work for CSI the way she can spot one of my hairs on the sink after I shave.

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Office and Work Jokes Funny Quotes

I have no problem admitting when I’m wrong. Like that one time I got married…

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Marriage and Family Jokes Funny Quotes

Keys to a good friendship.
Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.

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Friendship Jokes Jokes about Women Drinking and Drunk Jokes Funny Quotes

For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my реnis.

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Funny Quotes

I hate it how my friends come in my house, do you have a bathroom? NOPE we shiт in the backyard -,-

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Friendship Jokes Funny Quotes

The United States has developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It’s called the stock market.
Jay Leno

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Funny Quotes Money jokes

Use to be we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Steven Jobs.
Now we have no hope, no cash, and no jobs.
Please do not die Kevin Bacon.

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Dark Humor Jokes Funny Quotes

Crocodiles are easy. They try to кill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin (1962 - 2006)

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Funny Quotes Dark Humor Jokes Animal Jokes Friendship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: what the hеll was I thinking?
‘Eighty per cent of married men cheat in America.
The rest cheat in Europe.’
Jackie Mason

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Funny Quotes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes USA Jokes Europe and European Union Jokes

‘Why don’t oysters give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.’
Jay Leno

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Funny Quotes Money jokes

‘If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?’ Steven Wright

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Funny Quotes Money jokes

Bob Geldof ... no wonder he's such an expert on famine, he has been dining out on I Don't Like Mondays for thirty years.
Russell Brand

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Funny Quotes One-Liner Jokes Monday jokes

The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.
Abe Lemons

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Funny Quotes Old People Jokes