Sick Jokes, Illness Jokes, Death Jokes

Police are called to a home to fins man standing over the lifeless body of a woman with a five iron in his hand.
The police ask, "is that your wife?"
"Yes" says the man.
"Did you кill her with that golf club?"
"Yes" says the man sobbing and then dropping the club.
"How many times did you hit her?"
The man says, "five, six or seven times. But put me down for a five."

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What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it's Halloween.

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Halloween Jokes One-Liner Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Holiday Jokes

Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door.
I have a confession to make.
I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, probably more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know.
The temptation was just too much.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me.
It won't happen again.
Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
THE ACTIONS
Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor head.
He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbor:
THE SECOND MESSAGE
Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door again.
Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out anyway, that you noticed that darned Autocorrect changed 'Wi-Fi' To 'Wife'.
Technology hey?
Regards, Alan.

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Technology Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Communication Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Why do women make better soldiers?
Because they can bleed for a week and not die.

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Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Men jokes Military Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Q: What do gаy guys have in common with bungee jumpers?
A: If the rubber breaks, they're in deep shiт!

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Gay and Lesbian Jokes Sports Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: "So, I'm getting married again next week, doc!"
"Oh, that's wonderful! And how old is the bride?"
"She's 19."
"That's fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action in the bed can be deadly!"
"Ah well, if she dies, I'll just have to remarry."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Communication Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Good jokes

Chuck Norris invented the spoon because it's too easy to кill someone with a knife or fork.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

In the war, a German ship suspected that they were being tracked by an Irish submarine.
Unfortunately, they had used up all of their depth-charges.
As an alternative, one of their Divers decided to swim down to the submarine and knock on the door.

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Irish jokes Dark Humor Jokes Military Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Q: How do you drown a hipster?
A: In the mainstream.

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Hipster Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn.
He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilization, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?"
The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."

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Accountant Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Chuck Norris can stare you to death while looking the other direction!

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Chuck Norris Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook:
"Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error.
"Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.
"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.
He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head.
"Head on curb."

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Police Officer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Would you take a bullet for the last person you had sеx with?
Anything for the family.

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Sex Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Redneck jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Knock, knock
Who's there?
I'm Mr, Farter.
Mr, Farter who?
I've brought some insecticides to give to your mother in law!

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Knock-knock jokes Dark Humor Jokes Mother-in-Law Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death, he beats it fair and square.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building — a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says, “Sophie, you know I’m shy.
Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.”
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says,
“Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”
“Of course I’m lonely, he says, “I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”
“You’re kidding! What for?”
“For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”
“What happened to your second wife?”
“I shot her.”
“And, if I may ask, your first wife?”
“We had a fight and she fell off a building.”
“Oh my,” says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells,
“Yoo hoo, Shirley. He’s single.”

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Marriage and Family Jokes Old People Jokes Friendship Jokes Prison Jokes Single People Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.
"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare.
Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages.
Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."
"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."
The Lawyer funny responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

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Judge and Court Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Lawyer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A tight rope Walker is walking a tight rope between two buildings on the 85th floor in new York.
At the same time in South Texas is getting a вlоw job from a 85 year old lady.
What are both men thinking?
Don't look down.

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Gross Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Old People Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

My blonde girlfriend went to the doctors this morning and was told she had two weeks to live.
She chose last week and this week.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Blonde Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Stupid Jokes

Three men were caught for мurdеr on same day. Very next day they were produced in the court.
After hearing all the arguments the judge decided to declare the verdict after lunch.
It happened to be his wife's birthday that day and he had promised to not give death penalty on her birthday to anyone.
After lunch judge announced that all the three accused will receive 500 lashes.
Since it's almost a death penalty all accused were asked for their last wish.
First one thought as nothing can save him now, wishes for noth ing.
He is lashed 500 times all over his body.
He was bleeding all over gasping for final breath and conciousness.
When second person was asked for his wish he thought for a moment and said, "I wish that 10 pillow is tied all over me."
Well, 500 lashes was given but he laughed all over as pillow absorbed all the forces of lashes.
Now, The third person was called and asked for his wish.
He looked around.
He saw first person facing his death and counting his last breath and second person laughing at first person calling him idiот.
He took some time and with deep breath said,"Tie second person over me. "

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Judge and Court Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Prison Jokes Sick and Death Jokes