Work Jokes, Office Jokes

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
''But officer,'' the man said, ''I can explain.''
''Just be quiet!!!'' snapped the officer. ''Or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back.''
''But officer, I just wanted to say...''
''And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!'' A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, ''Lucky for you the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a great mood when he gets here.''
''Don't count on it,'' said the prisoner. ''I'm the groom.''

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Once there was a farmer. He had two teenage sons. This farmer had just inherited some of money from his brother's recent death. He couldn't decide which son he could send to college, since he could only afford to send one.
This farmer also had two ducks. These ducks were rетаrdеd. They were only two ducks on the farm that weren't normal. He told his sons that whoever could get the most money for the duck would go to college.
The sons went out in attempt to collect as much money as they could. The first son was walking down the street when he passed a man working in the yard. The man asked him if the duck was for sale, for the man loved the taste of ducks. He offered the son 10 dollars for his duck. The son decided this was very good, so he took it. He decided his brother wouldn't be able to get close to his success.
The second son was walking and passed a whоrеhоusе. He went in and said that he didn't have any money, but he would give them the duck. One girl said fine. After they f**ked, she decided that she didn't want the duck anymore. The son said he would take the duck back if they f**ked again. She agreed. After they f**ked the second time, the son left.
He was walking home, thinking about what to do with the duck when it broke the leash. The duck ran out into the street and was hit by a car. The lady that hit it jumped from her car and started apologizing profusely. The son insisted it was ok, but the lady said she would pay for the duck. She was in a hurry, so she gave him 25 dollars and sped off.
When the sons got home, the farmer asked the first son what he got. He proudly displayed the 10 dollars. The farmer was impressed. He asked the second son the same thing.
"That's nothing. I got a f**k for a duck, a duck for a f**k, and 25 dollars for a f**ked up duck."

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Farmer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.
He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc... The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hеll out of my cab!'' So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked? ''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply. ''And how much for you to give me a вlоwjов on the way?'' ''What?! Get the hеll out of my cab.'' The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?'' The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.'' The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

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Business jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Dirty jokes Friendship Jokes Aviation Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer.
''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?''
The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''
''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?''
The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''
''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Мiск Jagger?''
''Yeah, he's my dad.''
''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?''
The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''
The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.''
''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''
The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''

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Animal Jokes Office and Work Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Music and Musician Jokes Dad Jokes Banker Jokes Boss Jokes

Who Killed Abraham Lincoln?
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions.... Officer: What's 2+2? Blonde: Ummmmm... 4! Officer: What's the square root of 100? Blonde: Ummmm... 10! Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a мurdеr case!"

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Blonde Jokes Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes Friendship Jokes

All good Southerners already know these, but in fairness to those Yankees who were dumb enough to stay down here:
1. Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hrs a day, so let them cook something they know.
2. Don't laugh at people's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Mari Beth, and Inez have all been known to whip a man's аss for less than that.
3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda - this can lead to a merciless beating. Down South it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.
4. Don't show allegiances to any college football squad that isn't an SEC team. All the others are a bunch of candy аssеs who get to play Wyoming every week.
5. Don't refer to Southerner's as a bunch of hillbillies. Many of us are/have been more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner), better educated, and generally much nicer to boot. We've got plenty of business sense (e.g.Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, and Netscape). Naturally, we can have lapses of judgment from time to time (e.g. Clinton, Fordice, Duke). We don't care if you think we're dumb, we know better!
6. We are fully aware that the humidity is high. Quit your вiтсhing, spend your money, and leave.
7. Don't order wheat toast at the Сrаскеr Barrel. If you do this, everyone will know you're from Ohio. Eat the biscuits like God intended and for goodness sake, don't put sugar in your grits.
8. Don't attempt to fake a Southern accent. Nothing will incite a riot faster.
9. Don't go around talking about how much better it is back home. If you don't like it here, take your Yankee аss back home.
10. We don't play lacrosse, hockey or any of those other sissy аss Northern games, so don't ask about the scores. We...simply...don't...care.
11. We know how to speak proper English, we talk this way because we want to and we can. It's like playing jazz, you have to know how to do it right first.
12. Last, but by no means least...DO NOT try to tell us how to Bar-B-Q. This could lead to permanent expulsion and revocation of your work visa. Consider yourself just dамn lucky that we let you come down here in the first place. Don't push your luck!

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Blue Collar Jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes God Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes American Presidents Humor

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible rush. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Dentist Jokes

Artery:
Study of paintings Bacteria: Backdoor to cafeteria Barium: What to do when treatment fails Воwеl: Letter like A E I O or U Ceasarean Section: District in Rome Cat Scan: Searching for Kitty Cauterize: Made eye contact with her Coma: Punctuation Mark Congenital: Friendly D & C: Where Washington is Dilate: To live long Enema: Not a friend Fester: Quicker Genital: Non-Jewish Hang Nail: Coat Hook Impotent: Distinguished, well known Labor pain: Hurt at work Morbid: Higher offer Nitrate: Cheeper than day Node: Was aware of Outpatient: Person fainted Post op: Letter Carrier Recovery Room: Place to apholster Rестuм: Dang near Killed Him Rheumatic: Amorous Secretion: Hiding something Tablet: Small table Terminal Illness: Sick at Airport Tibia: Country in North Africa Tumor: More than One Urinе: Opposite of 'you're out' Varicose: Nearby Vein: Conceited

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Blue Collar Jokes Blonde Jokes Friendship Jokes Africa Jokes Aviation Jokes

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.
The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn''t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the dаrn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't кill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."
The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ''Please God spare my life'' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I''m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."
It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding вuтт nакеd in this married chick''s refrigerator....."

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God Jokes Religion jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Cheating Jokes American Presidents Humor

A man with greasy jeans, a flannel shirt, and work boots approaches the headwaiter in an elegant restaurant.
The man says, "Hey buddy, where's your crapper?"
The headwaiter calmly replies, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen,' pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."

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Insult Jokes Office and Work Jokes Blue Collar Jokes Men jokes Restaurant Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a bonus and a реnis?
A: Your wife will always вlоw your bonus.

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Insult Jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes

When they get you, they have their own little signature, like Gucci or something like that.
When you walk down the street, girls will walk by, and they'll say, 'Oh, that's Gladys' work, ain't it?'

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Marriage and Family Jokes Office and Work Jokes

A married couple walks up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny.
His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well and drowns.
The guy says, "Wow, it really works."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Office and Work Jokes

Whose Раnтiеs Are These?
A wife goes on a retreat for work. When she returns, she finds a pair of раnтiеs in her dresser that do not belong to her.
Furious, she questions her husband. The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from - I don't do the laundry!"
So, the wife goes to the maid and questions her. Indignant, the maid replies, "Madam, how should I know? These раnтiеs don't belong to me. I don't even wear раnтiеs - just ask your husband!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Office and Work Jokes Dirty jokes

Where's the Husband?
Three women sit in a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!"
"I know!" the next woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house, but when I called he wasn't there."
The third woman says, "I always know where my husband is."
"Impossible!" both women exclaim, "He has you completely fooled!"
"Oh no," says the woman. "I'm a widow."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes

A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island. The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger.
The three start to build a watchtower. The stranger offers to take first watch. While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells, "Hey! No sеx on the beach! Get back to work!"
The husband yells back, "We're not having sеx!"
Later, the stranger yells out to them again. Again, the husband yells back and corrects him. This happens several times during the stranger's shift.
Finally, the husband's takes his shift in the watch tower. His wife and the good-looking stranger make passionate love on the beach.
The husband on watch exclaims, "Wow, it really does look like f**king from up here!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Office and Work Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Flirt jokes

A man comes home from work early to find his blonde wife in bed with three men.
Completely shocked, he shouts, "Hello, Hello, Hello!"
The blonde whines, "What? No hello for me?"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Office and Work Jokes Blonde Jokes Men jokes

At the pet shop, a man spots a parrot without any feet. The man leans in, "Hey buddy, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"I wrap my little parrot реnis around this wooden bar, kind of like a hook."
"Wow," says the guy. "I can't believe you're so smart! I'm taking you home."
Weeks go by, and the parrot not only understands everything the man says, but he gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Hey, I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the mailman."
"What happened?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then, the mailman came into the house and lifted up your wife's nightgown," reports the parrot.
"Oh no!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

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Parrot jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "We have a wonderful system at the fire station:
Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets; Веll 2 rings, we slide down the pole; Веll 3 rings, we're on the trucks. From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Веll 1, I want you to sтriр nакеd. When I say Веll 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Веll 3, we're going to make passionate love."
The next night, the fireman comes home from work and yells, "Веll 1!" His wife takes off her clothes.
"Веll 2," and his wife jumps into bed.
"Веll 3," and they began to make love.
After two minutes, his wife yells, "Веll 4!"
"What's Веll 4?" the husband asks.
"More hose," she replies, "you're nowhere near the fire!"

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Men vs Women Jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Relationship Jokes Love Jokes