Office and Work Jokes

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I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on вееr cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust".

I have gotten that dreaded "furniture disease". My chest is falling into my drawers!

I know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . .write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me... they are cramming for finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
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A wealthy and very well dressed financial consultant arrived at his office to fill out his report for the company he was working for.

The dapper, extremely confident and very dignified gentleman left his Porsche with the parking attendant and entered wearing the building wearing his designer business suit. His shoes clicked along the polished floor as he headed for the elevator.

He picked up the paperwork, and strutted into his well-furnished office, put down his fifteen hundred dollar briefcase and sat down at his desk. He stared at the questions for five minutes, and shook his head in disbelief. He looked again, and his shoulders dropped.

"I know I have no choice, but this is an OUTRAGE!" he said out loud.

Then with a sigh of embarrassment, he reached down, untied and pulled his feet out of his highly polished $800 Brooks Brothers cap toe dress shoes and then peeled off his black silk business socks as well.

The now barefoot consultant then stuffed the socks in the shiny, expensive shoes and dropped them in the garbage can.

A few minutes later, he shook his head again with frustration, slowly untied his $150 Hermes silk necktie, plucked the matching pocket square out of his suit pocket, unfastened his monogrammed gold cufflinks, and slid his Rolex off his wrist. He threw them in to the garbage as well. His silver tiepin and his paisley braces followed.

A moment later, the consultant dropped his head into his hands and groaned. No longer confident and dignified, he looked around furtively.

Then he angrily shrugged and stood up. He then stripped off his $2,000 navy blue pinstriped Armani business suit and his starched white shirt, and folded them before stuffing them in the garbage as well.

The consultant finally sat down in his underwear and finished his work.

A colleague came in, looked around, saw the stripped consultant and his expensive clothes piled in the garbage and was stunned. “Why did you do this?” he asked in bewilderment.

The formerly well-dressed and impeccably groomed consultant angrily and wearily picked up the paperwork.

“Why didn’t you warn me about this? It says right here: Instructions MUST be followed exactly! ALL questions MUST be answered in brief!”
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Izraelský voják, který čerstvě vstoupil do armády po výcviku, žádá svého velitele o tři dny volna. Velitel se rozčiluje: „To si snad děláte legraci, ne? Žádat o volno, jen jste nastoupil! To byste...
Military Jokes Office and Work Jokes
Customer: “My youngest son was surfing the web last night and to my shock he was at a British comedy site.”
Tech Support: “Yes, what is the problem?”
Customer: “The ‘.uk’ at the end — doesn’t that stand for United Kingdom?”
Tech Support: “Yes.”
Customer: “Just great — I knew it!
He’s in trouble now!
He was there for almost a half hour!
How much does AOL charge for long distance?”
Tech Support: “It does not work that way.
You can surf anywhere without long distance charges.”
Customer: “No, I am sure AOL charges extra.
It doesn’t make any sense that they wouldn’t.
England is a long way away, they would lose millions not to.”
After trying to explain how the web worked, the customer refused to take my word and said she was going to call AOL.
A while later she called back.
Customer: “Well, AOL said you were correct; no long distance charge for overseas web sites.
I do have another question I thought of after I hung up with AOL.”
Tech Support: “Yes?”
Customer: “Do you think they charge extra for long distance email?”
Tech Support: “Trust me — they don’t.”
Customer: “Wonderful!
My oldest son works in Sweden.
He sends us email, but I was always afraid to reply because I didn’t know how much it would cost, so I just called him on the phone.
This will save us lots of money!
Still if AOL was smart they would charge for this service.”
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Miss Snow White was a rаndy cow
And desperate for a fсuк,
So off she went into the woods
To try and get some luck.
She’d almost given up looking
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage
And went on in for a poke.
Her clothes came off in seconds
And she’d just removed her pants,
When seven dwarves came marching in
With a merry song and dance.
Snow White just stood there speechless
And thought she was in heaven,
Originally after one good shag
But now she could have seven.
Straight away she took command
“My fаnny needs a liск!”
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said “You’d better drop you рriск”
So down he went onto all fours,
and said “I ain’t licking that”,
“Not there, that is my аrsе-hole
You DОРЕУ little brat!”
The next dwarf started blushing,
“Do we have to do it here?”
Snow White said “Don’t be BASHFUL
Unless you’re a f*cking quееr”
So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big “Heigh-Но”
As she rode upon his тооl.
Now one dwarf wasn’t smiling
Cos he hadn’t had a sniff,
And due to his impatience
He couldn’t raise a stiff.
“Relax” you GRUMPY ваsтаrd”,
So he did as he was told,
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his f*ckin load.
The next dwarf got a вlоw-job,
And she took him deep quite easy,
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.
With three dwarves left she turned and said,
“You’re next, I want your кnов!”
But not sooner had he entered her,
And he was sleeping on the job.
“Wake up you SLEEPY ваsтаrd”
She wanted more from him,
And he woke with such excitement,
That he filled her hairy quiм.
The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her fаnny raw,
A dazed Snow White them whimpered
“That should be against the law.”
He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
“No wonder you’re so HAPPY,
With that fсuкing great big рriск”
With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said, “You’ll have to use your tongue,
My тwат can’t take no more!”
And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had placed their соскs,
And ‘cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last dwarf “DOC”.
Now Snow White couldn’t do much,
With all that spadge inside her quiм,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.
So there’s the truth about the dwarves,
And how they got their names,
By satisfying Miss Snow White,
And joining in her games.
There’s one more thing you need to know,
And that’s - What happened to that cup,
Well think of what you’re drinking,
Next time you order 7-Up!
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Блондинка и полицай Blondine und Polizist A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over. The police officer who walked up to the car also happened to be a blonde. She asked for the blonde's driver's license. The dr Une blonde se fait contrôler par une policière blonde, qui lui demande son permis. Elle fouille dans son sac à main mais ne trouve pas : - C'est quoi déjà un permis ? - C'est quelque chose de rectangulaire avec votre photo. Puis la blonde tombe sur son miroir de poche, se voyant dedans et lui... Eine Blondine wird von einem Polizisten aufgehalten. Der Polizist bittet sie um ihren Führerschein. Blondine: "Was ist das?" Polizist: "Na Sie wissen schon, das wo ihr Bild drauf ist". Die Blondine sucht in ihrer Tasche und findet einen kleinen Spiegel. Sie nimmt ihn heraus und schaut hinein.... Uma loira estava dirigindo seu carro na estrada quando uma policial também loira pede para ela encostar o carro. Ela encosta, desce e a policial ordena: — Por favor, sua carteira de habilitação. A loira abre a bolsa e começa a procurar, revira a bolsa e não acha... quando pergunta para a... Eine Blondine wird von einem Verkehrspolizisten angehalten. "Wachtmeister Einstein, den Führerschein bitte!" "Hab ich nich, was is'n das?" "Das ist so ein kleines Teil zum Aufklappen mit einem Bild... Een blondje met een sportwagen wordt tot stilstand gebracht door de politie wegens te snel rijden. De politieagent van dienst is een vrouw en ook blond! De politieagente vraagt aan het snelle... En blond kvinna kommer farande som ett skott i sin nya fina sportbil och blir stoppad av en kvinnlig polis som också råkar vara blond. – Kan jag få se körkortet? säger den kvinnliga polisen.... Poliisi pysäytti blondin ja kysyi häneltä ajokorttia. Blondi ei tiennyt mikä sellainen on ja poliisi kuvaili, että se on sellainen suorakulmio, jossa on teidän kuva. Blondi kaivoi laukkuansa ja... A rendőr megállítja a szőke nőt: - Jogosítványt, forgalmit, személyit kérek! - Mi az a személyi? - kérdezi a szőke nő. - Az egy olyan kis tárgy, hogyha kinyitja, akkor ott látja benne a saját... Blondinen kjørte for fort og ble stoppet av politiet. Det viste seg at det var ei blond politidame som stoppet henne. - Du kjørte for fort, vis meg førerkortet ditt sa den blonde politidamen. -... Une policière blonde arrête une fille blonde au volant de son véhicule. - Permis de conduire ? - Ça ressemble à quoi un permis de conduire ? - Ben... C'est une petite carte rectangulaire avec ta... Una poliziotta ad una ragazza: - "Non hai visto che era rosso il semaforo? dammi la tua carta d'identità" - "Come è fatta???" - "È rettangolare e sopra c'è la tua foto" La ragazza prende lo... Brauc pa ceļu blondīne. Te viņu aptur ceļu policists. - Jūsu tiesības, lūdzu! - Ko? - Tiesības, lūdzu. - Kas tās tādas? - Tā ir tāda mantiņa ar jūsu fotogrāfiju. - Ā, skaidrs... (Blondīne rokas...
Police Officer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Blonde Jokes
If swimming is a good exercise to stay FIT, why are whales FАТ??
Why is the place in a stadium where people SIT, called a STAND?
Why is that everyone wants to go to HEAVEN but nobody wants to DIE?
Shall I say that there is racial discrimination even in chess as the WHITE piece is moved FIRST?
In our country, we have FREEDOM of SPEECH, then why do we have TELEPHONE BILLS?
If money doesn’t grow on TREES then why do banks have BRANCHES?
Why doesn’t GLUE stick to its BOTTLE?
Why do you still call it a BUILDING when its already BUILT?
If its true that we are here to HELP others, what are others HERE for?
If you arent supposed to DRINK and DRIVE why do bars have PARKING lots?
If All The Nations In The World Are In Debt, Where Did All The Money Go..?
When Dog Food Is New With Improved Taste, Who Tests It..?
If The “Black Box” Flight Recorder Is Never Damaged During A Plane Crash, Why Isn’t The Whole Airplane Made Out Of That Stuff..?
Who Copyrighted The Copyright Symbol..?
Can You Cry Under Water..?
Why Do People Say “You’ve Been Working Like A Dog” When Dogs Just Sit Around All Day..??
We all r Living in a seriously funny world..!
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