Office and Work Jokes

Most popular in this category

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says “God bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.” The father says, “Good bye Grandad? Why is that?” The daughter says, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father can’t believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter’s prayers again. She says, “God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.” The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn’t know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, “God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.” The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn’t go home and stays there until midnight. He’s very surprised. ‘I’ve cheated death!’ he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, “Where have you been?!” and the husband says, “Oh don’t ask me any questions, today’s been miserable.” The wife replies, “Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch…”

14 0

Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Dad Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answers:
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.
Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sеxuаl insecurity.
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective): I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
M. C. Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Plato: For the greater good.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
B. F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Saddam Hussein #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens.
Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed, I've not been told!
O. J.: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

0 0

Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road Jokes Animal Jokes American Jokes Military Jokes

Teacher: Why can’t you work in an orange juice factory?
Student: I don’t know. Why?
Teacher: Because you can’t concentrate!

27 0

Office and Work Jokes School Jokes

Sure, I may be slow, but I do lousy work.

0 0

Office and Work Jokes Attitude Jokes

An infinite crowd of mathematicians enter a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second one orders half a pint, the third one orders a quarter pint. The bartender says,
"I understand," and pours two pints.

0 0

Office and Work Jokes Math Jokes

I almost forgot to update my status that I’d been to the gym.
What a waste of a workout that would have been!

0 0

Office and Work Jokes Fitness jokes

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated."
What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go.
I didn't realize you were a cop."

19 0

Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Sports Jokes Blonde Jokes Police Officer Jokes Car and driving jokes

A couple has been married for many years, and one day the man tells his wife that he wishes she had вiggеr вrеаsтs.
"But how am I going to get вiggеr вrеаsтs?" she asks.
"That’s simple." he says,
"Just rub your вrеаsтs with toilet paper every day."
"And that would do it?" the surprised wife wonders.
"Well," answers the husband, "it sure did work on your behind!"

28 0

Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

Do you know why birds sing in the morning ?
Because, they don’t have to go to fuскing work.

1 0

Office and Work Jokes Sarcasm Jokes

I think that if I died and went straight to hеll it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.

0 0

Office and Work Jokes Attitude Jokes

I got slapped by the new girl at work today. I only asked if she spits or swallows.
It seemed like a reasonable question considering we work as wine tasters.

0 0

Office and Work Jokes Masturbation jokes Wine jokes

A man boards a plane with six children of various ages.
After the plane takes off, a woman sitting sitting behind the man asks him, “are all of them yours?”
“No,” the man responds. “I work for a соndом company and these are some of the customer complaints.”

1 0

Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Aviation Jokes

I dropped my mobile phone in the bath yesterday.
I said to my wife, “My phone is fuскеd”.
She said, “It might still work, have you tried ringing it?”
I said, “Yes, but not much water is coming out”.

0 0

Office and Work Jokes Masturbation jokes

‘ My father never did a day’s work in his life,’ said Paddy
‘ He must have been a lazy ваsтаrd, ‘ replied Mick
‘ No, he was a Night Watchman,’ said Paddy

0 0

Office and Work Jokes Irish jokes

Two opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.
One turned to the other and said,
"You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."
"Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip a nickel and ask them to vote for you."

0 0

Office and Work Jokes Business jokes

A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.
A gang of snails approach him and beat him up.
He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.
Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station.
Herman walks into the Sergeant's office.
"What happened to you? the officer asks.
"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.
"Can you describe what they looked like?"
"I don't know," the sloth says.
"It all happened so fast."

26 0

Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes Military Jokes

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I'm having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked,
"Is the baby in your stomach?"
She said,
"He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked,
"Is it a good baby?"
She said,
"Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...
"Then why did you eat him?"

26 0

Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

"There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works."

29 0

Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Men vs Women Jokes

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.
What do you get when you cross a whоrе with a systems engineer?
A fcukin know-it-all!
What did Boy George say to Micheal Jackson?
“You Beat It, and I’ll cumma cumma сuм.”
What does a homeless woman use for a viвrатоr?
Two flies in a bottle.
What’s the job application to Ноотеrs?
They just give you a вrа and say: Here, fill this out.
Whats the hardest part of rollerblading?
Telling your parents that you are gаy.
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the sh1t out of their dogs!
How could the redneck mom tell that her daughter was on her period?
She could taste the blood on her son’s diск!
What do you get when you mix puppies and rabbits?
Puppets.
Did you hear about the blind gynecologist?
He could read lips!
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why do African Americans only have nightmares?
Because a redneck shot the only one with a dream!
What do you call a redneck bursting into flames?
A Fire Сrаскеr!
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
Slap her on the аss and tell her to get back to work.
Whats the difference between light and hard?
You can go to sleep with a light on!
Why doesn’t a chicken wear pants?
Because his рескеr is on his head!
Why do they call it the wonder вrа?
When you take it off you wonder where her t*ts went.
What’s sicker than having sеx with a pregnant woman?
Having sеx with a pregnant woman and getting a bj by the baby.
What do you call a teenage girl who doesn’t маsтurвате?
A liar.
Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks?
You can drop them off anywhere.
What did the lеsвiаn vampire say to the other lеsвiаn vampire?
“I’ll see you next month.”
Why don’t they teach Driver’s Ed and sеx education on the same day in the Middle East?
They don’t want to wear out the camel.
What did Bill Clinton say to Monica Lewinsky?
I told you to liск my еrестiоn, not wreck my election.
Why do Jewish men like to watch роrnо movies backward?
They like the part where the рrоsтiтuте gives the money back.
What do 9 out of 10 people consider to be a good time?
Gang Ваng.
What did one тамроn say to the other?
Nothing. They were both stuck up c*nts.
What do you call a rетаrd in a tree with a brief case?
Branch Manager.

0 0

Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes One-Liner Jokes What's The Difference Jokes Masturbation jokes Gynecology Jokes American Jokes Vampire jokes Boss Jokes American Presidents Humor Pregnancy Jokes

Why don’t all the managers go into holiday at once?
So people can’t see that the company works without them..

24 0

Office and Work Jokes Life Jokes Boss Jokes