Animal Jokes - Page 20

When Chuck Norris was a kid, he wanted to see if you really could кill two birds with a stone.
Let's just say that's why birds fly still south in the winter.

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On a really hot day, a реnguin takes his car to a mechanic. The реnguin asks, "How long will it be?"
The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes." So the реnguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the реnguin gets there, he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream. Three hours go by before the реnguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the mechanic. With ice cream all over his face and his stomach, he asks, "So how's my car?"
The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
The реnguin says, "No, I was just eating ice cream."

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Car and driving jokes Gross Jokes Animal Jokes

An old couple is on a walk, when a рigеоn flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

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Jokes about Women Gross Jokes Animal Jokes Old People Jokes Couple jokes

A man and a woman were on a nudе beach when a wasp flew into the woman's vаginа. In a rush the guy pulled on his shorts, wrapped a towel around the woman, and ran to the hospital.
When they got there the doctor said, "The only way I can think to get the wasp out is to slather some honey on my реnis and lure it out."
The doctor then offered his services for a mere $50. After a long pause, the couple agreed. The doctor happily slathered on some honey and went in. After a couple of thrusts the husband said, "Hey, what the hеll is going on?"
The doctor says, "Change of plans - I'm going to drown the ваsтаrd."

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Jokes about Women Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

Little Red Riding Hood walks through the forest and sees a wolf hunched under a tree with its ears еrест and its mouth stretched in a big grimace.
She says to the wolf, "My, what big ears you have!"
The wolf keeps grimacing.
She says, "My, what big eyes you have!"
The wolf grimaces even wider, baring his teeth.
She says, "My, what big teeth you have!"
The wolf finally snaps and says, "F**k off! I'm trying to take a dump."

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Gross Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Animal Jokes

A blonde biology student conducts an experiment on grasshoppers.
She pulls off one of its legs at a time and yells, "Hop." The grasshopper hops each time until all of its legs are gone.
The blonde concludes: when all the legs of a grasshopper are removed, it becomes deaf.

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School Jokes Men vs Women Jokes Blonde Jokes Animal Jokes Science jokes Student jokes

"Pa's being chased by a bull!"
"Well, what in tarnation do you want me to do about it?"
"Get me some film for my camera."

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Animal Jokes

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nudе.
He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied.
The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.
When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know.
I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that nакеd fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him?
Nothing.
I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

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Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Military Jokes Police Officer Jokes

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.
"You simpleton!" the officer barked.
"Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"
"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically.
"But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice.
And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches.
But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the вiggеr say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' - that did it!"

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Military Jokes Dog jokes

Bill O'Reilly and his chauffeur accidentally hit and кill a farmer's pig while driving through the country.
O'Reilly tells the chauffeur to apologize to the farmer.
They drive up to the farm, and the chauffeur goes inside.
He is gone for a long time.
When the driver returns, he explains his long absence, "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a вееr, then his wife made me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses."
"Why were they so grateful?" O'Reilly asks.
The chauffeur replies, "I don't know. All I told him was that I was Bill O'Reilly's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Military Jokes Beer Jokes

My dear old dad always said he had two big disappointments in life: the dog ran away and I didn't.

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Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Parent Jokes Dad Jokes Dog jokes

I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

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Animal Jokes Pet Jokes Dog jokes

A psychiatrist had no patients in his office and he was bored. Suddenly , the door opened slowly and a man crept into the room on four legs. His mouth was full with pieces of colored plastic. He was holding strange objects in his hands. He was dragging cables along behind himself. The doctor was glad because of the visit and exclaimed, "And what do we have here, a little snake? Come to Uncle Doctor, my snake..."
The man shook his head.
"Oh, sorry, I didn't notice your legs. You're a dragon, right?"
The man shook his head again angrily.
"Sorry... a worm?"
The visitor spitted out the plastic pieces.
"Go to hеll, you idiот! I'm the system administrator and I came to change your LAN cable!"

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes Men jokes

A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."
She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"

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Insult Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes USA Jokes Old People Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes American Jokes

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up...

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Animal Jokes

Q: What's worse than having termites in your piano?
A: Сrавs on your оrgаn.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes

The old man had died.
A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that's your pa in there."

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Little Johnny Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Priest Jokes Funeral jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A man on a beach sees a shark near a child in the shallows. Ignoring personal safety, he dives in the water and, with his bare hands, kills the shark.
He brings the tot to shore and is met with tumultuous applause from spectators.
"Geez, mate" says a reporter "You should get a medal. What part of Australia are you from?"
Modestly our hero says: "Actually I'm from England."
The next days newspaper headline says "Pommy mongrel kills child's pet"

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Animal Jokes Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Australia Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.
He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"

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Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Police Officer Jokes Fishing Jokes

A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: "Purebred Police Dog $25."
Thinking that to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, "How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?"
"Don't let his looks deceive you, ma'am," the man replied, "He's in the Secret Service."

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Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Men jokes Police Officer Jokes Dog jokes