Dad Jokes - Page 56

Sure, white people can't say the "N word" but at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad."

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Son: Iphone! * holding it*
Daughter: Ipod! *holding it*
Mom: Ipad! *holding it*
Dad: IPAID!

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Insult Jokes Dad Jokes Apple and iPhone Jokes

One day, little Johnny came up to his father and asked, “Dad, where did I come from?”
Dad squirmed a bit, but thought it was time his son knew the facts of life. He told him the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life. How life developed and finally, how a child was born. As the story unfolded, Johnny’s eyes got wider and wider.
When his father was finished, Johnny said, “Wow, that is really neat. That sure beats what Billy told me. He said that he came from Cranston.”

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Little Johnny Jokes Dad Jokes

A boy's parents are fighting and the mom calls the dad a Ваsтаrd and the dad calls the mom a Вiтсh. The kid asks them what it means and they say Ladies and Gentlemen.
That night the son walks in on his parents having angry sеx.
The dad say "feel my diск" and the mom says "suск my тiттiеs"
The son asks "what does that mean" and the parents say Hats and Coats.
The next day the dad is shaving and cuts himself so he screams "shiт!" and the kid asks what it meas and the dad says its a brand of shaving cream.
The kid then goes downstairs and the mom is stuffing the turkey and accidentally cuts herself and screams"f*ck!"
When the guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner the kid answers the door and says.
"Alright you Вiтсhеs and Ваsтаrds, hang your Diскs and Тiттiеs in the closet, Dad's upstairs wiping the Shiт off his face and Mom's in the kitchen Fuскing the turkey!"

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Kids Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Thanksgiving Jokes Dad Jokes

Three Boy Scouts, were fishing in a boat one day when they heard a lot of commotion. They followed the sounds and found another boat capsized as a man struggled to keep his head above water. Being Boy Scouts, they went to his aid and fished the man out.
The man was Bill Clinton. The ex-president toweled himself off and caught his breath, and thanked the three scouts. He asked if there was anything he could do for them. "I'd sure like a tour of the White House," the first scout said. "Can you still pull that off?"
"No problem," said Bill. "How's next week?"
"I want to go for a ride in Air Force One," said the second scout.
"We can do that next week, too," Bill replied.
"I'd like to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery," said the third.
"I'm sure we can arrange that," said Bill. "But son, you're awfully young to be worrying about that, aren't you?"
"You don't know my Dad," the scout replied. "When he finds out I helped save your life, he's gonna кill me!"

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Nationality Jokes Men jokes Political Jokes Dad Jokes American Presidents Humor

My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. I said, “that’s amazing how the hеll did he know all that?” My dad replied, “the judge told him.”

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Criminal Jokes Dad Jokes Grandparent Jokes

I met this girl on the weekend and took her home to meet my dad.
He whispered to me, “Where the fсuк did you get her from, son?! She’s cross-eyed, bow-legged, and she’s got no teeth!”
I replied, “There’s no need to whisper, Dad. She’s deaf as well.”

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Dad Jokes Disability Jokes

My sister was reading out my parents will when she said, “Do you want to hear something funny?”
“Go on,” I replied.
“Mum and Dad’s house.”
“I don’t get it,” I said confused.
“I know,” She laughed. “I do…. Funny isn’t it.”

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Dad Jokes Sarcasm Jokes

Once little Johnny heard a grunting noise upstairs. He goes in his parents' room and sees them moving under the blanket . His dad comes out and says "Oh ! Son we were just wrestling ." Little Johnny says "Oh. I"LL BE HULK HOGAN!!" And dives in the bed.

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Little Johnny Jokes Dad Jokes Superhero Jokes

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Thanksgiving Jokes Dad Jokes

I picked up a girl for a date from her parent’s house.
“Make sure she’s home by 11” growled her Dad.
“Relax. I’ll have her back by 10 if you like” I replied.
“Oh, okay” he said, lightening up.
“It may be even earlier, to be honest. I’ll bring her back once I’ve fcuked her”.

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Dad Jokes Dating Jokes

Son: Dad, will you remember me in 5 years?
Dad: Yes.
Son: 1 year?
Dad: Yes.
Son: 6 months?
Dad: Yes.
Son: 1 month?
Dad: Yes
Son 1 week?
Dad: Yes.
Son: 5 days?
Dad: Yes.
Son: 5 hours?
Dad: Yes.
Son: 1 hour?
Dad: Yes.
Son: 30 minutes?
Dad: Yes.
Son: 1 minute?
Dad: Yes.
Son: 1 second?
Dad: Yes.
Son: Knock Knock
Dad: Who's there?
Son: See, you forgot me already!!!

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Kids Jokes Knock-knock jokes Dad Jokes

Is your Dad an astronaut? Because someone took the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

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Pick-Up Lines Jokes Dad Jokes

Joey goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me соndом please? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may be getting lucky tonight."
The Pharmacist gives him the соndом but as soon as he does Joey tells him, "Give me another соndом because my girlfriends sister is also very cute too and always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when I am around, I think I might get lucky with her too."
The Pharmacist gives him another соndом and as he was about to leave Joey returned and requested for a third.
"My girlfriend's mom is really cute and she always makes eye contact when I'm around and since she invited me for dinner I think she might be expecting me to make a move."
During the dinner Joey sits down with his girlfriend on the right, her sister on the left and her mom facing him. When the dad walks in. Joey lowers his and starts the dinner prayer.
"Dear Lord bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given us..." Ten minutes later Joey is still praying. His girlfriend now surprised gets close to him and whispers, "I didn't know you where this religious."
Joey with his head still bowed in prayer replied "I never knew your dad was a Pharmacist!"

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Religion jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dad Jokes Pharmacist Jokes

Little Johnny got home from school and told his mum " I just had my first sеxuаl experience!"
His mum replied "I'm going to speak to your dad about this when he gets home. Go to your room." So little Johnny goes to his room.
When his dad gets home his mum tells him about little Johnny's first sеxuаl experience.
His dad says "I won't get too angry at him because at his age, I was looking for my first sеxuаl experience to."
When he gets to little Johnny's room he asks him "So how was it?"
Little Johnny replies it was Great! The only downside is my аss hurts."

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Dirty jokes Dad Jokes

I tried to buy my dad a World’s Greatest Dad mug for his birthday today.
The cashier told me that I was too late. Somebody else’s dad already is.

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Dad Jokes Stupid Jokes

My dad sat me down, brought the laptop in and said, “Son, I think it’s time to talk to you about роrnоgrарhy.”
“What about it?” I replied.
“How the hеll can I get past the filters without your mum knowing?”

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Dad Jokes Internet Jokes

Little Johnny: Mom, I was in the bus yesterday with dad and he asked me to give up my seat for a lady.
Mom: Good, you did the right thing.
Little Johnny: But Mom, I was sitting on dad’s lap.

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Little Johnny Jokes Dad Jokes

Little Johnny's dad drove Johnny to boarding school and leaves him there. For the following week however, Johnny misses school.
When Johnny returned to school the next week the teacher asks Johnny why he had missed class for a week. Johnny replied that his dad passed away and he had to attend to his funeral.
The following week, Johnny's dad comes to visit Johnny at school and was directed to Johnny's classroom. While at the door, Johnny's dad knocks and says “Excuse me sir, I am here to see my son, Johnny. I am his dad."
Teacher surprised and confused asks, "Are you Johnny's real dad? I thought Johnny's father had passed away?" Johnny's Father is confused.
The teacher realized what was going on. So he quickly turns to the class and calls out “Johnny, your dead father is here to see you."
Johnny's heart beats faster and he grows small, but looks up to the teacher and whispers "How the heck did he came back alive."

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Dad Jokes

Little Johnny was raking leaves with his Dad who was telling him about how the fairies turned the leaves brown. He looked up puzzled and said: Dad haven’t you ever heard of photosynthesis?”

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Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes