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Medical and Doctor Jokes

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At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a check up. "I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is you have 24 hours left to live." Tom replies, "That's the good news?!" Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."

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Раddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical.
A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Раddy, do you realise you’ve got “Sugar Diabetes..”
Раddy says, “OK.. Nice one, when do I fight the fuскеr”?

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Irish jokes

I looked out of my window and saw a group of people gathering around a bloke who came off his motorbike, so I frantically rushed over.
“Out of the way!” I shouted, as I pushed through the crowd.
“Are you a doctor?” one woman screamed.
“No” I replied, “The сunт was delivering my pizza.”

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Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:
" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Attitude Jokes

Раddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Раddy’s mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the кinкy side, yells out, “Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!”
Раddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.
About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, “Did you get these marks having sеx?”
Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Раddy (let alone that she allowed the кinкy boy to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, “I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you’ve got the worst case of van aerial disease that I’ve ever seen.

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Раddy was morbidly obese so he went to see the Doctor.
The Doctor says “OK, Раddy, I want you to eat normally for a day, then skip a day,the eat normally for a day then skip a day, stick to this regime for a fortnight and you will lose weight, so come back and see me then”.
A fortnight later Раddy returns to the Doctor, who is amazed to see that Раddy has lost sixty pounds. “Amazing Раddy, this is far more weight loss than I would have anticipated, well done”!
Paddy replies “Well sorr, it was feckin’ torture, oi nearly taut dat oi would die on the fifth day”
The Doctor says “What from the hunger”?
Paddy replied “No sorr, from all dat feckin skippin'”

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An elderly black man goes to see his doctor for help with his sеxuаl performance issues.
The doctor explains that Viаgrа isn't going to work this time.
The man goes back to the doctor a month later for a follow-up.
This time he is wearing a new tuxedo, shined shoes, and a top-hat.
The doctor is impressed and asks what the occasion is.
The old man says, "If I'm gonna be impotent I'm gonna look impotent!"

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After a year of being really ill and having multiple hospital trips the doctor finally gave me some good news. I’m going to have a disease named after me.

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An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
“I don’t understand it, Doc”, she said, “I have this terrible, terrible gas”. “Thankfully”, she added, “they are at least silent when I fаrт”.
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. “I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fаrт they are obnoxiously loud!”, she yelled.
The doctor said, “well, now that we’ve solved your hearing problem, let’s see what we can do about that gas”.

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An old man goes to the doctor for some tests. When he gets the results, the doctor tells him that he has bad news. The old man says, "Just give it to me straight, doc." The doctor says, "Well, you have cancer, and you have Alzheimer's." The old man says, "I guess it could be worse. I could have cancer."

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News and Politics Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

Ollie sees his doctor at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota: “I got a problem. I have a big воwеl movement at 6 in da morning every day.” …
…
Doctor: “That sounds perfectly normal. Why are you so worried about it?” …
…
Ollie: “Yah, but I don’t vake up until 7.”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Stupid Jokes

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent and she was trying to find electric blankets, when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the
boutiques…
She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!”
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, “I’m just pulling your leg……He’s dead. Show me what you bought.”

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So a boy with a stutter goes to his psychiatrist.
Doctor says,” How are you?”
“Naaa naaat too good,” says stutter boy.
“Why is that?”-asks the doctor.
“My-my-my-my-my-my best friend he he he call me na-names!”-said the stutter boy.
“What’s he call you?”-asks the doctor.
“He call me d-d-d-donkey!”-said the stutter boy.
“So that рissеs you off does he call you that all the time or what ?” -inquiries the doctor.
“He-aw-hea-w-he-aw-he-always calls me fuскing d-d-donkey”-replies the stutter boy.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Friendship Jokes Disability Jokes

I think my doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear…
I overheard him telling his colleague that I had “Serious healthy shoes.”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Masturbation jokes

Niggеr walks into the doctors with a frog on his head… The doctor asks:
- “And what’s the problem here?”
To which the frog replies:
“It started a couple of weeks ago with a blackhead on my аrsе!”
I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently “young blacks” and “Romanian gypsies” were not the correct answers.
I was on my computer earlier when the screen suddenly went black. I suppose I should elaborate. When I say “went black” I mean it stopped working. It didn’t go and stab an old lady and nick her purse.
A black man tried to steal my car as I was driving. I was going pretty fast, but the cheeky сunт managed to get in through the windscreen.
Black lives matter only when killed by a white. Those killed by other blacks don’t seem to matter as much.
*Black couple having Sеx*
Black Guy: Who’s Your Daddy!?! Who’s YOUR DADDY!?!?!
Black Girl: I don’t know.
Black Guy: Same here
I have concluded that zebras are black with white stripes.
Why?
When was the last time you saw a zebra with a job?
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop, as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said, “Any change?” I said “No, you’re still black”.
I always buy computers that are black. Generally, they run faster and have a вiggеr hard drive.
Christmas time. Vаliuм and wine. Children indulging in serious сriме. With dad on the wееd and mum high on сrаск. Christmas is magic when your family is black!

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A man woke up from a serious surgery. He screamed, “Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”.
And the doctor replied, “I know. I amputated you arms.”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Girl visits her doctor and tells him she has terrible discharge, ‘Ok, take your knickers off and lets check it out’ he says. She drops her knickers and he has a feel around. He says ‘how does that feel’. She says ‘Ruddy wonderful but the discharge is from my ear’.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Masturbation jokes

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Attitude Jokes

Patient:
“Doctor, I don’t know what’s wrong with me”.
Doctor:
“Take these pills, I don’t know what they’re for”.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Stupid Jokes

As I was waiting in the Doctor's office the day after Christmas I accidentally overheard a conversation between the desk employee and another patient on the phone.
Employee:
"Ma'am the Doctor's office will be closed for the next few days due to the snow storm headed into town. Would you please choose a date to reschedule? Would sometime next week be fine?
I could hear the patient on the phone getting upset and not wanting to change her appointment.
Trying to be as polite as he could, the employee began again:
"But ma'am when you show up this week for your appointment no one will be here because of the snow storm."
I then heard yelling from the woman on the line before she abruptly hung up. The employee shook his head in disbelief. Trying to make his day a little better I said,
"You would think after Christmas people would have a better attitude."
Employee:
"She's more Halloween than Christmas!"

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