Boss Jokes

Newest jokes in this category
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy said,
"You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted.
We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said,
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six метh dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
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Днес бях на събеседване във фирма. I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, “I want you to try and sell this to me.” So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.... Jeg var i et jobbintervju i dag da sjefen ga meg laptopen sin og sa: - «Kan du prøve å selge denne til meg?» Så jeg tok den under armen og stakk hjem. Til slutt ringte han meg og sa: - «Pell deg... Jeden businessman má seminář o nabídce a poptávce. „Zkuste mi to prodat!“ říká jednomu žákovi, zatímco mu podává svůj notebook. Muž po něm okamžitě chňapne, mrskne po přednášejícím nějaký papír a...
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На интервю за работа: At an interview: Un tipo en una entrevista de trabajo Un hombre llega a buscar trabajo y llega a una empresa y pregunta cuanto le van a pagar si trabaja allí. El empresario le responde: - Al principio vas a cobrar 800 dólares al mes y mas tarde 1000... Va un trabajador a buscar empleo y le dicen: - Si empieza hoy le pagaremos 80.000 pesetas, pero más adelante usted cobrará 200.000 pesetas. Y el trabajador le contesta: - Pues vengo más adelante. Gehalt des Nachwuchsspielers Ein Mann beim Vorstellungsgespräch. Mann: "Wieviel verdiene ich da denn so?" Chef: "Oh,so ungefähr 500 € im Monat!" Mann: "Das ist aber wenig." Chef: "Das wird aber später mehr!" Mann: "Och, dann... Im Job-Interview: "Am Anfang können Sie 2.500 Euro im Monat verdienen. Und später können es auch 5000 Euro werden." "Ok, dann komme ich später." Adam iş başvurusu için gider. İş yerinde iş yeri sahibine sorar; - Aylık kaç lira veriyorsunuz? İş yeri sahibi cevap olarak; - Şimdilik 3000 bir ay sonra 5000 Adamın cevap olarak; - İyi o zaman ben... O rapaz chega para a entrevista de emprego. O contratante vai logo dizendo: - É o seguinte, de início o salário é de 700 reais. - Ah, não sei não. Esse salário está muito baixo - diz o rapaz. - Mas em 3 meses o salário é aumentado para 3 mil reais - explica o contratante. E o rapaz diz: - Aí sim,... - Ile będę zarabiał? - pyta młody człowiek podejmujący pierwszą w życiu pracę. - Na początek dostanie pan 600 zł, ale później będzie pan mógł zarobić dużo więcej. - Doskonale - ucieszył się... - Du har fått jobben og kan begynne på mandag. Lønnen blir 6000 de to første månedene og etter to måneder stiger den til 8000.- - Takk, da starter jeg om to måneder.
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On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him.
As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered.
In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me."
Peter happily agreed
They had their lunch but on the way back to the office, Anna said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?"
Peter replied "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Anna said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok."
He nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...
Followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And Peter just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked!
Двама шефове си говорят. Миналата седмица беше рождения ми ден. Секретарка Hoy es el día de mi cumpleaños ... Mis padres, mi esposa y mis hijos no me felicitaron. Fui al trabajo, llegando allí, mis colegas actuaron como si fuera un día normal y tampoco me felicitaron.... Warum ich meine Sekretärin feuerte... Vor zwei Wochen hatte ich meinen 45. Geburtstag und fühlte mich ohnehin nicht sehr wohl. Ich ging zum Frühstück. Meine Frau sagte nicht einmal "Guten Morgen", schon gar nicht "Alles Gute". Die Kinder sagten auch kein Wort und ließen mich völlig links... Pourquoi j'ai congédié ma secrétaire Je me suis réveillé ce matin-là où je venais d'avoir 40 ans. Je ne me sentais pas très bien. J'espérais que ma femme me souhaite un joyeux anniversaire. Mais... Γιατί απέλυσα τη γραμματέα μου! Ho licenziato la mia giovane e bella segretaria, ora vi spiego perché. La settimana scorsa era il mio compleanno, raggiungevo una soglia importante, i 50 anni ed avevo un po' di pensieri che mi frullavano per la testa. Insomma, in poche parole ero un po' giù di corda. Mi ha rincuorato l'idea del... Perché ho licenziato la segretaria. Due settimane fa, in occasione del mio 45esimo compleanno, non mi sentivo troppo su. Scendo giu' per la colazione, sapendo che mia moglie sarebbe stata carina... Bir işadamı birkaç gün önce sekreterini kovmuştu, yeni bir sekreter aramaktaydı. Bir arkadaşı, sekreterini neden kovduğunu sorunca anlatmaya başladı: – İki hafta önce 48. yaş günümdü ve o sabah... Era meu aniversário. Acordei todo contente esperando os cumprimentos de minha esposa e nem sequer um bom dia recebi. Veio então meu filho do quarto e a mesma coisa! Minha mãe nem ao menos me telefonou. Fui para o trabalho e minha secretária veio... Dlaczego zwolniłem swoją sekretarkę? - Posłuchaj! Dwa tygodnie temu były moje urodziny, ale jakby tego nikt nie zauważył. Miałem nadzieję, że rano przy śniadaniu żona złoży mi życzenia. Może nawet... Jeg vågnede om morgenen den dag jeg fyldte 32 år. Jeg havde det ikke så godt, men håbede at min kone ville ønske mig tillykke med dagen. Til min store skuffelse sagde hun ikke engang godmorgen. Ved...
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A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!"
Влак, в купето пътуват девойка с младата си майка и войник със старшина. Седят си във влаково купе грък, македонец, млада жена с големи цици и австралийска баба. Пътуват в едно купе, майка с щерка и старшина с войник. Влакът влиза в тунел и се чува силно пляяяс. Излиза влака от тунела, а старшината се държи за бузата и си мисли: В купе на влак пътуват майка с дъщеря си и двама военни - единия старшина, другия редник. Кој го плесна гркот? There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,... An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel,... Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush Jr., a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts. The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound... A Pakistani guy, anant, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a... Van un madrileño,un valenciano, una guapa y una fea en un vagón de tren....de repente el tren pasa x un tunel a oscuras y se oye PUM!!!!!.... Viajaban en un Tren, una hermoza mujer, una vieja Fea, un Chileno y un Peruano. El tren paso por un tunel y derrepente en medio de la oscuridad se escucho un tremendo cachetadon, al finalizar el... En un vagón de tren viajan una gorda, una rubia guapísima, un alemán y un andaluz. De pronto el tren se mete en un túnel y se queda el vagón a oscuras. Entonces se oye un guantazo enorme: ¡ZASCA!... En una cabina de tren viajaban un mexicano, un yanqui, una rubia espectacular y una gorda espantosa... Después de unos minutos de viaje, el tren pasa por un tunel, y se oye el sonido de una... Esto eran cuatro pasajeros en el tren: 2 chicas, una con sobrepeso y otra rubia que estaba muy buena, y luego un madrileño y un catalán. Pasa el túnel y por unos segundos quedan a oscuras. De... Un español, un francés, una rubia que está muy buena y una gorda van en un tren. De repente entran en un túnel, se hace la oscuridad y entonces: ¡Plas! Se escucha el sonido de una gran bofetada.... Esto es 4 personas que van en un vagón de un tren, eran: Una gorda, una rubia buenísima, un madrileño y un catalán. Al rato el tren pasa por debajo de un túnel, y se escucha... Plasss... Sale el... Поезд. Едут генерал, курсант и мать с дочерью. Заезжают в тоннель и слышен звук пощечины. Мысли матери: Mit dem Zug durch den Tunnel gefährliche Zugfahrt Ein Deutscher, ein Österreicher, ein hübsches Mädchen und eine Nonne sitzen in einem Zugabteil. In einem Zugabteil sitzen ein Unternehmer und sein Arbeiter mit einer alten und einer hübschen, jungen Frau zusammen, als der Zug in einen Tunnel fährt. Sitzen ein Deutscher, ein Österreicher, eine Nonne und eine junge Frau in einem Zugabteil. Der Zug fährt schließlich durch einen Tunnel und es wird stockdunkel. Plötzlich hört man ein Klatschen und einen Schmerzenslaut. Es wird wieder hell. Alle... In einem Eisenbahn-Abteil sitzen eine umwerfende Blondine, eine Nonne, ein Holländer und ein Deutscher. Der Zug fährt in einen Tunnel und man hört den Knall einer Ohrfeige. Mit roter Wange sieht... Im D-Zug nach Zürich sitzen ein Schweizer Jüngling , ein großer Amerikaner , ein biederer alter Österreicher und eine Mutter mit ihrer 18jährigen Tochter zusammen in einem Abteil. Schließlich... Un beau jour, dans un train, Chirac, Sarkozy et une belle norvégienne voyagent dans le même compartiment. Ils roulent ainsi, sans se parler, sans que rien ne se passe pendant des heures. Soudain,... Un jour dans un train, en Savoie, un Parisien (avec son écharpe du PSG), un Marseillais (avec son écharpe de l'OM) et une jolie Norvégienne sont dans le même compartiment. Ils roulent comme ça,... Dans le compartiment d’un train se trouve une très belle jeune fille et sa mère ainsi qu’un jeune homme accompagné de son père. Soudain le train passe sous un tunnel et dans un noir absolu retentit... Dans un train, un Anglais , un Français et une jolie Suédoise. Le train entre soudain dans un long tunnel, laissant les voyageurs dans une obscurité totale . Dans le noir complet, on entendit alors... Lors d'un voyage d'affaire Chirac et Sarkozy se retrouve dans le même compartiment du train en compagnie d'une superbe blonde et d'une nonne. Le train s'engage dans un tunnel, et le compartiment... Το τρένο Ο Γάλλος και ο Γερμανός Στο ίδιο βαγόνι Το φιλί In uno scompartimento ferroviario ci sono una bella ragazza, una rispettabile vecchia signora, un sergente ed un soldato semplice. Il treno entra in una galleria buia e, per il solito... C'è un romanista e un laziale nel treno. Il treno si ferma e sale una modella... Il treno entra in una galleria e non si vede niente e si sente il rumore di un bacio seguito da uno schiaffo. Usciti... *Dünya Savaşı arefesinde; bir Nazi subayı, bir yaşlı kadın, bir delikanlı ve bir de genç kız bir tren kompartımanında yolculuk etmektedirler. Tren bir yerde tünele girer. Karanlıkta, bir öpücük... Bir albay, bir er, bir yaşlı kadın ve bir de genç kız trende aynı kompartımanda yolculuk etmektedir. Tren bir tünele girip kompartıman Karardığı zaman, mucuk bir öpücük sesi ve ardından... Bir tren yolculuğunda komutan ile asker ve karşılarında da güzel bir kız ve yaşlı bir teyze oturuyormuş.. Yolculuk devam ederken tren bir tünele girmiş ve karanlık olmuş, bu sırada bir öpücük ve... Yer cekoslovakya. Ikinci dunya savasi donemi. Cekoslovakya alman isgali antinda. Bir tren kompartimani. iceride 4 kisi. Cekoslovak genc ve guzel bir kiz, kizin anneannesi, alman bir subay ve... Estavam em um trem (na europa) 1 linda jovem francesa, 1 velha alemã, 1 brasileiro e 1 argentino. Os quatro viajavam no mesmo vagão quietos quando, ao passar por um túnel, tudo ficou as escuras. De... Estavam em um trem, uma velha, uma moça muito boa, um argentino e um brasileiro. O trem entrou num túnel muito escuro. Escutou-se um beijo e em seguida ossom de um tapa. A velha pensou: —... Viajavam no vagão de um trem quatro pessoas: uma mulher gostosona, uma velhinha, um cara brasileiro e um argentino. A viagem transcorria normalmente, com os dois homens trocando olhares com a... Numa cabine de trem, que ia para Buenos Aires, estavam um brasileiro, um argentino, uma bela francesa e uma velha senhora alemã. Todos estavam bem comportados, quando o trem passou pelo túnel e... Viajavam num trem um argentino, um brasileiro, uma bela jovem francesa e uma velha alemã, em uma mesma saleta. Quando o trem passa por um túnel, ouve-se o barulho de um beijo estalado e, logo a... Um Brasileiro,um Argentino, uma francesinha gatissíma e uma velha alemã viajam em um trem da Europa. Só que em um momento da viagem o trem entra em um túnel, então no escuro, se ouve um beijo e o... No trem estavam um brasileiro, um argentino, uma velha, uma mulher muito gostosa e um argentino. O trem entra num túnel e se ouve um barulho de beijo e logo depois de tapa. A velha pensa: "Um dos... Em um vagão estavam uma loira muito gostosa, uma velhinha, um brasileiro e um argentino. O trem entrou em um tunel ficou tudo escuro e foi ouvido um som de um beijo e logo em seguida um tapa. A... Em um trem viajavam no mesmo vagão um brasileiro, um argentino, uma velhinha de 80 anos e uma gatinha de 22 aninhos simplesmente deliciosa. De repente o trem entra em um túnel e tudo escurece no... Havia um Português, um Americano e uma uma bela alemã sentados junto num vagão de um trem velho que atravessava Tasmania. De repente o trem entrou em um túnel, e como era um trem velho, não havia... Viajavam no mesmo compartimento de um comboio, um português,um argentino, uma loira espectacular e uma gorda enorme. Depois de uns minutos de viagem, o comboio passa por um túnel e ouve-se uma... W pociągu w jednym przedziale jadą matka z 18-letnią córką, generał i szeregowiec. Pociąg wjechał do tunelu, nagle słychać plaśnięcie jakby uderzenie w policzek. Co myśli każdy z pasażerów gdy... W pociągu, w jednym przedziale siedzą żołnierz-szeregowy, generał, matka i jej 18-letnia córka. W pewnej chwili pociąg wjechał do tunelu, zrobiło się zupełnie ciemno. Słychać głośne plaśnięcie,... Under andra världskriget. En tysk officer, en söt ung kvinna, en gammal gumma och en rumän sitter alla i samma kupe i ett rumänskt tåg Allt blir mörkt när tåget kommer in i en tunnel. Man hör först en kyss, sedan en kraftig smäll. Ingen säger något, men när det blir ljust i kupén igen ser man... Een Belg, een Marokkaan, een non en een bloedmooie meid met een kort rokje en een paar ferme tieten zitten in een treincoupe. Op een gegeven moment rijdt de trein een tunnel in, het licht werkt... Een Nederlander, een non, een Duitser en een dom blondje zitten in de trein. Als ze in een donkere tunnel rijden, klinkt er een klap. Als ze uit de tunnel komen blijkt dat de Duitser van iemand een... Valgkamp På en togtur fra København til Jylland, sad Mogens Lykktoft, Anders Fogh Rasmussen, en smuk blondine og en grim, fed kvinde i samme kupe. Da de kørte gennem Storebæltstunnelen, hørtes... Patru persoane calatoreau in acelasi compartiment de tren: un roman, un ungur, o blonda superba si o femeie batrana. La un moment dat trenul intra intr-un tunel. In intuneric se aude sunetul... V kupé vlaku sedí vojín, lampasák a matka s dcerou. Vlak vjede do tunelu. Ozve se mlasknutí polibku a pak hrozná facka. Lampasák si myslí: "Voják si užívá a mě za to fackují." Matka si myslí: "To... Ve vlakovém kupé je matka s dcerou, vojín a plukovník. Vlak vjede do tunelu a je hrozná tma. Vtom se ozve mlasknutí, facka jako prase. Vlak vyjede z tunelu a plukovník si myslí: „Sakra, mladej... Kartą električkoj važiuoja dvi moterys: jauna, sena bei trys vyrai. Električka įvažiuoja į tunelį ir tada pasigirsta bučinio garsas, o iš kart po jo pliaukšteli antausis. Panelė galvoja: - Va tą... Rusas, graži mergina, vokietis ir vienuolė važiuoja vienoje traukinio kupė. Staiga traukinys įvažiuoja į tunelį, kupė visiškai tamsu. Pasigirsta pliaukštelėjimas, o kai traukinys išvažiuoja iš... Važiuoja traukiniu mama su dukra ir kariuomenes generolas su eiliniu. oras grazus saule smarkiai plieskia. privaziuoja traukinys tuneli ir staiga pasidaro tamsu. pasigirsta pliaukstelejimas, ir... U vlaku, u kupeu, sjede zgodna plavuša, časna sestra, Hrvat i Slovenac. Uđe vlak u tunel, nastane totalni mrak i u mraku se čuje masna šamarčina. Izađe vlak iz tunela, a Slovenac se drži za obraz i...
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Отива един на доктор. Me боли главата нешто A guy comes to work very sick and asks his boss for advice. The boss says: A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man... Xiang Li llama una mañana al trabajo: - Yo no puede tlabajá hoy, estoy mu malito, duele la cabeza, duele el estómago, fieble? Yo no tlabajo hoy, señol. El jefe le responde: - Mira, Xiang, hoy te... Kung Chang llamó a su Jefe y le dijo: - Jefe, hoy yo no tlabajal, yo estal enfelmo. Duele cabeza, duele panza, duele pielna, no voy tlabajo. El Jefe le responde: - Kung Chang, realmente hoy te... сотрудник звонит шефу: - я сегодня не выйду на работу, настроения нет, да и хандра какая-то.... Harry ist krank Ali ist krank Der Erkan telefoniert mit seinem Chef! "Du Chef, ich Hand- Kopf- Fußweh haben, ich nicht arbeiten kommen können! Sagt der Chef: " Na gut aber ich geb dir einen Tipp, wenn mir mal was weh tut... C'est un ouvrier qui appelle son patron... - Allô patron. - Oui Allô? - Patron, je ne vais pas pouvoir bosser aujourd’hui ! Je me sens vraiment mal… - Écoute Pedro, je vais te donner un conseil : quand j’ai un p’tit coup de mou, je demande... Carlos Un uomo va dal dottore con una lunga storia di emicrania. Il dottore scopre che il suo povero paziente ha provato praticamente ogni terapia senza nessun miglioramento. ‘Ascolta’ dice il dottore,... Mattias gick runt och var små sur hela tiden på jobbet. Allt var det fel på, och han skapade en otrevlig stämning som smittade av sig till alla på företaget. Till slut orkade inte chefen längre med hans gnällande och sura uppsyn och sa till på skarpen, - Nä nu får du ge dig! Ta ledigt resten av... Johan gick och var mest småsur – fel på jobbet, fel på arbetskamraterna, fel på kaffet, fel på chefen, fel på... Till slut tröttnade chefen och sa till på skarpen: - Gör mig en tjänst! Ta ledigt... Kalle va småsur, fel på jobbet, fel på arbetskamraterna, fel på kaffet, fel på chefen. Chefen sa: - Gör mig en tjänst! Ta ledigt resten av dagen, åk hem och dra över frugan. Nästa dag kom Kalle... Kontorsjefen har lagt merke til at en av de ansatte sitter og gaper, fullstendig utslitt. Han gir ham et råd: "Jeg hadde det likedan, men gikk hjem og knullet kjerringa mi knallhardt hver... Oddleif ringer sjefen for atter en gang gi beskjed om at han er blitt syk igjen og ikke kan komme på jobben. Sjefen, som åpenbart er irritert over hyppige sykemeldinger fra Oddleif, sier så at når... Egy embert szörnyű fejfájás gyötör, ezért elmegy az orvoshoz. - Doktor úr, mostanában hihetetlenül fáj a fejem, tudna valamit tanácsolni? - Nézze uram, ha nekem fáj a fejem, általában szeretkezek...
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[To the tune of "American Pie"] A long, long, time ago I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines. And I knew if I had the chance They could make my modem dance with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines. But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver with every busy they'd deliver. Bad news on the front page A 19-hour outrage. I can't remember if I cried when I realized that Steve Case had lied. But something touched me deep inside The day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine. And good old geeks are cheering users offline Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Did you write the book of TOS Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS If an IM tells you so. And will you believe the Motley Fool When he tells you that the service rules And can you teach me how to Web real slow? Well I know you sold the service short Cause I saw your quarterly report. Steve Case sold off his stock It fell just like a rock. It was a crazy, costly high-tech play As they slashed away at what subscribers pay And half their users went away the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine And good old geeks are cheering users offline Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Well for two days we've been on our own And dial-ins click on a rolling phone But that's not how it used to be When the mogul came to Virginia court With an OS icon and a browser port And a desktop that looked like Apple III. And while Jim Clark was looking down The mogul stole his thorny crown The browser war was turned. Mozilla... Was spurned. And while Steve left users out to bond With hosts unable to respond 6 million newbies all were conned the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine And good old geeks are cheering users offline Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Da Chronic ducked their software guards And stole a million credit cards To use accounts he'd gotten free And so Steve Case went to the FBI and he told Boardwatch a little lie That hackers wanted child роrnоgrарhy But while Steve Case was looking down The hackers pulled his e-mail down They put it on the net. He can't be trusted yet! And while user cynicism climbs At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes They scan their e-mail for "Good Times" the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine And good old geeks are cheering users offline Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Helter-skelter billing needs a melter The lawyers filed a class-action shelter Eight million in lawyer's fees. But it looks like some attorney jibe an hour if they resubscribe. To a service marketed for free Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks Cause I'm reading alt. Aol-suскs. "Until we bless the suit The settlement is moot."
"If AOL treats you like the Borg Then visit aolsucks. Org Before some router pulls the cord..." the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine And good old geeks are cheering users offline Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be sold off his home in Tennessee And headed for a 4-month end. Was he sad or just incensed when Case offered him his thirty cents. Billing is the devil's only friend. But as I read him on the page My hands were clenched in fists of rage. No "Welcome" born in hеll could ring that chatroom веll. And as chat freaks cried into the night CompuServe read their last rites. I saw Earthlink laughing with delight the day the service died. So bye bye to Amer'ca Online Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine And good old geeks are cheering users offline Saying this'll be the day that they die. This'll be the day that they die. I met a girl in Lobby 9 And I asked her if she'd stay on-line. But she just frowned and looked away. And I went back to the Member Lounge To see what loyalty I could scrounge But Room Host said the members went away... And on the net the modems scream At faster speeds and data streams. And not a tear was spoken. The hourly fees were broken. And the three men that I hated most Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost They couldn't dial up the host The day the service died.
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Полицай спира нарушител, което значително е превишил скоростта: O policial de uma pequena cidade para um motorista por excesso de velocidade. — Mas, seu guarda, eu posso explicar... — replica o motorista. — Fique quieto! Vou colocá-lo na cadeia até o chefe chegar! — esbraveja o policial. — Mas, por favor, eu só queria dizer que... — Silêncio! Você está preso... Een politieagent in een kleine stad hield een motorrijder aan die te hard over de hoofdweg reed. "Maar agent," begon de man, "ik kan het uitleggen." "Blijf nou maar rustig!" beet de agent hem toe....
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Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is God?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
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Семейство сменя паролата на семейния компютър. Мъж сменя паролата на компютъра, жена му го гледа. A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. Una consultora informática, que estaba ayudando a un hombre a configurar su ordenador, le pregunta que qué palabra le gustaría utilizar como contraseña para entrar en su sistema. Con la intención... Муж и жена делают новый пароль для компа. Муж набирает "Мойчлен!", жена падает на пол от смеха, потому что компьютер выдает: Ein Mann kauft sich einen Computer. Zuhause beim Einrichten des PCs wird er aufgefordert: Ein Mann geht ins Geschäft und kauft sich einen Computer. Beim Einrichten des PC's fragt der Computer: "Bitte wählen Sie ein Passwort!" Der Mann überlegt etwas und legt als Passwort Penis fest. Daraufhin antwortet der Computer: "Ihr Passwort ist zu... Passwort : Penis „ihr Passwort ist nicht lang genug". Ein Mann und eine Frau geben ein Passwort für ihren neuen Computer ein schreibt der Mann:,meinpenis " in die Spalte . seine Frau krümmt sich vor lachen den Bauch : im Computer steht zu kurz Un homme met à jour le mot de passe de son ordinateur. Il tape « monzizi ». C'est un gars qui se crée une adresse email et au moment de rentrer le mot de passe, pour se la jouer devant sa femme, il met ''Pénis''. Sa femme se met à éclater de rire car l'ordinateur indiquait: '' Trop court''... Un gars un peu obsédé s'inscrit sur un site internet. Après avoir tapé son adresse-mail, l'ordi lui demande un mot de passe. Alors, il écrit : "ma bite". Un message s'affiche : "Trop court. Désolé,... Une femme est en train d'aider son mari à installer son nouvel ordinateur. L'homme, un peu macho, doit choisir son mot de passe. Il regarde sa femme fièrement et tape: "Pénis" Sa femme se met à se... Une jeune informaticienne qui paramétrait la nouvelle bécane d'un utilisateur, lui demanda quel mot de passe il voulait utiliser pour accéder au réseau. Voulant taquiner la gamine, il lui dit... Le président veut s'inscrire sur un site de rencontre et doit rentrer un mot de passe, Il rentre "pénis" Que dit le confirmateur automatique ? Erreur ! Votre mot de passe est trop court !! Password Pene Password non abbastanza lunga Oggi sul mio computer ho voluto cambiare la password. Volevo mettere: pene, ma lui mi ha detto: ‘Nome troppo corto’. Informatyk staje przed komputerem wyposażonym w synchronizator mowy i słyszy: - Proszę wprowadzić hasło... Informatyk wystukuje hasło: penis. Na to komputer: - Przykro mi, ale Twoje hasło jest zbyt... Een dame hielp haar man bij het installeren van een computer. Tijdens de procedure vroeg ze haar man om een passwoord in te voeren om te kunnen inloggen. De man was in een amoureuze bui, en om zijn... Eräänä päivänä Keijon tietokone herjasi Keijolle: ”Create new password”. Suuressa miehisyydessään Keijo vaihtoi hymyillen salasanaksi ”penis”. Hymy kuitenkin hyytyi, kun tietokone ilmoitti... Va povestesc mai jos un CAZ REAL, povestit de un prieten... O femeie, inginer de sistem, instala un calculator intr-o retea pentru un coleg de la birou. Cand a venit randul setarii parolelor ea l-a... Zadejte vaše heslo: Uživatel: "Penis" PC: Vaše heslo je príliš krátké!
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A businessman was interviewing job applications for the position of manager of a large division.
He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate.
He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist.
His answer was, "Twenty-two".
The second was a social worker.
She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm very glad that we had the opportunity to discuss it."
The third applicant was an engineer.
He pulled out a slide rule and came up with an answer "somewhere between 3.999 and 4.001."
Next came an attorney.
He stated that "in the case of Jenkins vs. the Department of the Treasury, two plus two was proven to be four."
Finally, the businessman interviewed an accountant.
When he asked him what two plus two was, the accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it, came back and sat down.
Leaning across the desk, he said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
He got the job.
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Една блондинка влиза в секс-магазин и почва да разглежда вибраторите. Баба влиза в секс магазин и пита продавачката: Разкошна жена на около 45 години влиза в секс шоп-а и търси вибратор Доаѓа плавуша во секс шоп: - Каде ви се вибраторите? - Тука, на овој ѕид. - Ууууу, може овој црвениов? - Госпоѓо, тоа е апаратот за гаснење пожар. Некоја жена сакала да си купи вибратор и отишла во секс шоп. Продавачот и рекол да си одбере од закачените вибратори на ѕидот. Гледала жената гледала, на крај се одлучила: - Еве ке го земам оној... A gay guys walks into a pharmacy with his suppository prescription and approaches the front counter. He hands the prescription to the pharmacist and after confirming the prescription, the... A blonde goes into a sex shop and asks the salesmen where the vibrators are and the sales man points to one of the walls so she walks over to them and she sees a very nice and big red one She asks... Una tía está en un sex-shop y dice: - Señorita ¿Tiene consoladores? - Si, en aquella estantería, elija el que quiere - Me llevo este rojo - Señora, el extintor no se vende Susanne steht im Sex-Shop und will unter den angebotenen Vibratoren wählen. Une femme rentre dans un sex-shop et se rend au rayon godes-michets. Elle les regarde tous : des longs, des pointus, des bossus, etc. Un vendeur arrive pour lui demander son choix. Elle lui répond : Une femme se rend dans un sexe-shop pour acheter des gods car son mari et décédé, donc la femme regarde les gods et un vendeur viens pour la renseigné , Le vendeur : puis-je vous aider ? La femme :... C'est une blonde qui rentre dans un magasin de sextoys, et elle dit au vendeur : Bonjour je voudrais le jaune,le vert et le rouge. Le vendeur lui répond : le vert et le jaune sa sera possible mais... Πηγαίνει μία ξανθιά σε sex-shop ξαναμένη, και κοιτάζει στους δ*νητές. Λέει στο υπάλληλο να της δείξει τους καλούς και εκείνος αρχίζει… – Αυτός είναι 13 πόντοι μήκος, 9 περίμετρος και πολύ καλός με... Una bella signora sui quarantacinque anni entra in un negozietto per grandi, si avvicina al commesso e gli chiede un vibratore. Una donna entra in un sex-shop per comprare un fallo finto. Si guarda in giro un po’ imbarazzata, ne vede uno rosso che gli piace, poi dice al commesso: - 'allora, vorrei quello verde lì, quello... Una signora in un sexy shop: “Vorrei un fallo di gomma”. Il gestore: “Ne abbiamo di tutti i tipi, dimensioni e colori. Quale vuole?”. “Voglio quello rosso”. “No, quello non è in vendita”. “E... Certa vez, uma bicha foi a uma loja comprar um pênis de plástico.Chegou lá e o atendente da loja, logo perguntou: — O que a senhora deseja? A bicha com vergonha diz: — Ai, tô com vergonha! O atendente então insiste: — Senhora, o que você deseja? A bicha toda envergonhada responde: — Um pênis de... Uma bichinha chega num sexshop e fala pro atendente: — Bofe, tem pênis de borracha? — Tem sim. — Respondeu o atendente, abrindo uma cortina e mostrando vibradores de todas as cores e tamanhos. Depois de muita dúvida a bichinha dis: — Vou levar aquele grandão e vermelho dalí! O atendente responde:... Uma bicha entrou num sexy-shop. Toda discreta, chama um vendedor e pergunta pelos pintos de borracha. O vendedor leva numa sala reservada e mostra vários pintos de tamanho e cores diversas. A bicha... A velhinha vai na farmácia e pergunta discretamente para o atendente: — O senhor tem vibradores ? O atendente meio assustado com o pedido da velhinha, vira discretamente e mostra os aparelhos... A loira entra na loja e pede um vibrador: — Pois não senhora, temos de todo tipo cor e tamanho, diz o atendente. — Quanto custa aquele maior ali no canto, diz a loira. — Desculpe senhora, mas... I sexshoppen: - Vad kostar den där stora röda dildon? - Tyvärr, den är inte till salu – Va? Varför inte? - Det är vår brandsläckare… - Jag skulle vilja köpa den där stora röda dildon. - Tyvärr, det där är en brandsläckare. - Hvor er dildoerne? - Lige derovre frue. - Jeg snupper den røde tak. - Beklager frue, ildslukkeren er ikke til salg!!! Přijde blondýnka do sexshopu a ptá se: "Kolik stojí ten modrý vibrátor?" "Čtyřista korun." odvětí prodavač. "A za kolik je ten zelený?" "Ten je za sedmset korun." "No a kolik stojí ten červený?"... Iena blondine i vibratoriu parduotuve ir sako kiek kainuoja tas vibratorius 100 lt ne man reik didesnio o kiek tas kur ant sienos tas neparduodamas o uz kiek man ji parduotumet nu kaip jum tai uz... Ateina blondine i erotine prekiu parduotuve ir klause pardavejos .. sakykit po kiek pas jus vibratoriai.? PARDAVEJE : 100lt 120lt 150lt BLONDINE: sakykit o tas dydelis raudonas po kiek?...
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So this posh restaurant is looking for a piano player. A friend of the manager, the owner of a nearby jazz club, has a recommendation:
"You should give Stewart Campbell a ring. He's a bit eccentric, mind, but he's a genius."
Well, all artists have a bit of a peculiar side, the manager thinks. And sure enough, he calls him up and the next day Campbell shows up for an interview.
"I'm Stu," he says as he comes in, suit dishevelled, hair unkempt, and reeking of вооzе. "You were looking for a piano player?"
"Err, yes, what do you play?" the manager inquires.
"Anything," says Stu, "Anything at all so long as I wrote it meself."
"All... right -- can you do a little, say, smooth jazz?"
"Not a problem." Stu sits down at this stately old grand piano, and plays this most velvety, intricate but accessible piece.
As the last notes ring out, the manager is noticeably impressed. "That was great! What's it called?"
"'Вuggеr a Sheep While Taking a Dump'," Stu answers.
"Oh... Kay," the confused manager responds. "Well, how about something a bit more uptempo, maybe some crossover?"
And sure enough, without missing a beat he performs the funkiest, sultriest piece of music you ever heard.
"That's perfect!" the manager exclaims. "Does that have a title?"
"Yeah, this one's called 'Incontinent Сrаск Whоrе On a Tuesday Morning'."
Now, the restaurant's manager finds Stu strange indeed, to say the least, but he's just so good, he has to hire him, on the one condition that he won't introduce his works.
And sure enough, the next day he's bringing the house down over dinner and the wait staff is flooded with guests sending him their compliments, when in walks the most beautiful woman, tall and blonde in heels and a little black dress, and sits down at the table right in front of the piano.
Stu is just starting another of his most inspired easy listening compositions, but he struggles to keep playing as he just cannot stop staring at this most attractive lady.
Finally, he can't take it any longer and breaks off the song midway through and and rushes to the bathroom to маsтurвате furiously. Just as hurriedly he rushes back and starts playing again right where he left off.
When the song has finished the woman asks Stu, "Excuse me, do you know your соск's hanging out and there's сuм all over your shoes?"
And Stu responds, "Know it? I f**king WROTE it!"
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