Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator."
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?"
"And so, here we are!"

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Insult Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Baby Jokes

A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful вrеаsтs he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes.
The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room."
She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that."
The man says, "Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference."
She says, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Hotel Jokes Hairdresser Jokes

Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.
This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
This confirms too, that women are always confused and don't know what they want.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Single People Jokes

There was an old married couple who love each other very much.
But each morning as he was waking up the husband let out a huge nasty wet fаrт with his wife right in the bed next to him.
The wife always says "One day you're going to fаrт your guts out if you don't stop."
Then one day the wife snapped she won't take it anymore and she got up extra early when downstairs and got the guts out of a turkey and put it in the bed behind.
She went back downstairs to wait and then she heard the loud disgusting fаrт all the way down the stairs and then she hears nothing for a long while.
Just as she's about to go upstairs and check on her husband he comes stomping down the steps and he says "Honey you were right after I get my guts out but with the grace of God and these two fingers I managed to shove them back up there again."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Gross Jokes Old People Jokes Fart Jokes

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

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Little Johnny Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Animal Jokes Dad Jokes

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his реnis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my реnis into the pickle slicer?"
His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill - I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, um, she got fired, too."

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the dамn ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."

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Sports Jokes School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

After an hour of gathering up his courage, a shy guy finally approaches the hot girl at the end of the bar. "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"
Everyone in the bar stops and stares. Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations."
To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, "What do you mean $200 for a BJ?"

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School Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his реnis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will вlоw these days."

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest реnis he has ever seen.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge реnis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
The mortician removes the реnis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"

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Men vs Women Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best вlоw job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last вlоw job of my entire life."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Men jokes

Whose Раnтiеs Are These?
A wife goes on a retreat for work. When she returns, she finds a pair of раnтiеs in her dresser that do not belong to her.
Furious, she questions her husband. The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from - I don't do the laundry!"
So, the wife goes to the maid and questions her. Indignant, the maid replies, "Madam, how should I know? These раnтiеs don't belong to me. I don't even wear раnтiеs - just ask your husband!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Office and Work Jokes Dirty jokes

My wife and I have reached a decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

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Dark Humor Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes

A diск has a sad life.
His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an аsshоlе; his best friend is a рussy, and his owner beats him habitually.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Vagina Jokes

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands nакеd in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Relationship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says “Oh just a вееr”.
The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”.
The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”.
The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”?
The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Beer Jokes

Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing.
Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.

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Marriage and Family Jokes